I’m probably one of the few people still up, so didn’t want you to not get a reply, but I should warn you, I suck at this sort of thing!

I do think it’s uncool of your friends to exclude you from playdates. I don’t see why you shouldn’t be invited to playdates or outings that involve the kids. I think that’s something I would bring up with your friends, it may just be a simple miscommunication, but definitely worth discussing with them.

As for the rest, I don’t know how old you are, but I’m guessing youngish since your friends are starting to have kids. (Sorry if this is completely off.)
One of the things that happens as we move from our 20s in to our 30s is that friendships evolve and yup, some do kind of fizzle and die off. It’s a difficult thing, but it’s fairly normal, and would probably happen whether you had kids or not.

But yeah, it’s a sucky feeling, I hear ya. Just know that it’s also completely normal.
Might be worth reaching out to one of those friends and voicing these feelings to them, chances are they’re feeling some of the same things

 

I'm probably one of the few people still up, so didn't want you to not get a reply, but I should warn you, I suck at this sort of thing!

I do think it's uncool of your friends to exclude you from playdates. I don't see why you shouldn't be invited to playdates or outings that involve the kids. I think that's something I would bring up with your friends, it may just be a simple miscommunication, but definitely worth discussing with them.

As for the rest, I don't know how old you are, but I'm guessing youngish since your friends are starting to have kids. (Sorry if this is completely off.)
One of the things that happens as we move from our 20s in to our 30s is that friendships evolve and yup, some do kind of fizzle and die off. It's a difficult thing, but it's fairly normal, and would probably happen whether you had kids or not.

But yeah, it's a sucky feeling, I hear ya. Just know that it's also completely normal.
Might be worth reaching out to one of those friends and voicing these feelings to them, chances are they're feeling some of the same things

I'm early 30's now, so it's that stage where the last few wanting to have children are starting to have them. It seems so simple when somebody says it...just ask to be invited! I guess I needed the perspective, thinking it was selfish of me to want to be included in something that I didn't think I should be.

Thank you for your reply

I get you. I'm childless by choice, and before leaving the UK I felt alot that we were falling behind the social curve because of this... it kind of made it easier to leave to be honest.
I don't know what to suggest to help you out as my move just further isolated myself!! But just know you are not alone in your feelings xx

That's very kind of you to reply. Seriously, this place is a stunning example of the human race sometimes xx

 

I get you. I'm childless by choice, and before leaving the UK I felt alot that we were falling behind the social curve because of this... it kind of made it easier to leave to be honest.
I don't know what to suggest to help you out as my move just further isolated myself!! But just know you are not alone in your feelings xx

 

Hugs.

You're not alone. That is probably the single, most important thing to know and understand. Growing up, I slowly realised that I didn't want kids, and that is a feeling that never left.

The second most important thing to understand, is, this is just a moment - it will pass. (The loneliness, I mean, not being childless by choice).

The worst part for me was always the birth of a new addition. After a few weeks, the feeling of isolation wore off. I tend to have the opposite problem, in that I am invited to events surrounding the kids, but often feel no desire to go, and am left thinking "why would I want to?" My mum asked if I wanted to go to Flamingo Land with the extended family next year - namely her, my brother's 3 kids, my aunt and her 2, possibly her grand-daughter too, and possibly my SIL. I turned it down because, as it happens, we're planning a holiday away just mum and me, and a ladies-only holiday early next year, which is heaven for me, much as I love my nieces and nephew.

However, if you do feel that you want to be included, next time you meet up with your friends, or you hear about a play-date, perhaps ask if it would be OK to come along anyway?

I do think that, if you're feeling like this, you need to talk to your friends. They can't help you fix a problem they aren't aware of.

 

Hugs.

You're not alone. That is probably the single, most important thing to know and understand. Growing up, I slowly realised that I didn't want kids, and that is a feeling that never left.

The second most important thing to understand, is, this is just a moment - it will pass. (The loneliness, I mean, not being childless by choice).

The worst part for me was always the birth of a new addition. After a few weeks, the feeling of isolation wore off. I tend to have the opposite problem, in that I am invited to events surrounding the kids, but often feel no desire to go, and am left thinking "why would I want to?" My mum asked if I wanted to go to Flamingo Land with the extended family next year - namely her, my brother's 3 kids, my aunt and her 2, possibly her grand-daughter too, and possibly my SIL. I turned it down because, as it happens, we're planning a holiday away just mum and me, and a ladies-only holiday early next year, which is heaven for me, much as I love my nieces and nephew.

However, if you do feel that you want to be included, next time you meet up with your friends, or you hear about a play-date, perhaps ask if it would be OK to come along anyway?

I do think that, if you're feeling like this, you need to talk to your friends. They can't help you fix a problem they aren't aware of.

The bold bit...I think you hit the nail on the head. I'm trying to be the cool "I don't want kids, I'm ok with not being involved with stuff" and so they probably think they're doing me a favour by not inviting me. Or, they just don't realise I'm feeling any of this. Because I haven't told them.

A ladies only holiday is my kind of heaven too...or one just me and boyfriend. Just a holiday would be nice right now!

I understand how you're feeling, from a slightly different perspective. I'm childless, mainly because I don't have a partner (although even if I did I'm not convinced I want children). I've also moved to a new area and am now finding it impossible to make friends with people 'my age' because they all have families and I don't fit into that. It's hard when you don't fit into societal norms - I'm both single and childless so basically an outcast.

I can't offer any helpful advice, only to say that you're not alone at feeling alone.

That sounds really hard! I'm lucky because, although I was feeling like this last night, I do still live where I grew up, I have had the same friends for years and also made more from my various paths in life. I hope that you find some people as amazing and awesome as you soon xx

Definitely not alone - I never wanted kids

Most if my friends have them & yes there are many I rarely see now which is sad

I also moved to a new area & like @McKenzie have struggled to find my place here a bit / make friends - most of the people my age have kids & I think they view an approaching middle age woman on her own with suspicion as if 'whats wrong with her?' (of course they prob don't & that's just my imagination working overtime which won't help!)

If you would like to go to the play dates etc - tell your friends they may feel awkward asking & think you won't want to but may feel you have to say yes (iykwim)

I think you're right, I just need to tell them that I'd like to go to playdates sometimes Children have the best toys nowadays!!

I was thinking of my new friendship circle last night...ie what kind of social group I'd fit into now that everyone was becoming a parent (it was late, I was tired, I don't really think that I need to up and completely ditch my friends and find new ones) and I decided that I'd make a circle of dog mummies and daddies, lol! We'd hang out at fields and dog friendly pubs, get matching treat pouches in solidarity of our friendship etc...

 

I understand how you're feeling, from a slightly different perspective. I'm childless, mainly because I don't have a partner (although even if I did I'm not convinced I want children). I've also moved to a new area and am now finding it impossible to make friends with people 'my age' because they all have families and I don't fit into that. It's hard when you don't fit into societal norms - I'm both single and childless so basically an outcast.

I can't offer any helpful advice, only to say that you're not alone at feeling alone.

 

- I'm both single and childless so basically an outcast.

.

Me too!

What I would say, further to what I already have, is that, by not having children of your own, you may find that you can offer an objective viewpoint when the parents complain about unwanted behaviours or concerns they might have.

 

Definitely not alone - I never wanted kids

Most if my friends have them & yes there are many I rarely see now which is sad

I also moved to a new area & like @McKenzie have struggled to find my place here a bit / make friends - most of the people my age have kids & I think they view an approaching middle age woman on her own with suspicion as if 'whats wrong with her?' (of course they prob don't & that's just my imagination working overtime which won't help!)

If you would like to go to the play dates etc - tell your friends they may feel awkward asking & think you won't want to but may feel you have to say yes (iykwim)

 

I would suggest letting your friends know that you would like to be invited to join playdates, etc. because I suspect they think you wouldn't want to go. Especially if you all meet up without the kids on other occasions.

Mums do tend to waffle on about their kids when they are together, so they might think you would be bored

Be proactive and arrange for them all to join you on an outing somewhere that you could all enjoy, maybe?

Above all, be honest with them if you can.

I made the mistake of putting up with certain behaviours from a couple of friends which got me down, and eventually just withdrew from the relationships. Had I told them how it was effecting me, we might still be friends now.

 

I would suggest letting your friends know that you would like to be invited to join playdates, etc. because I suspect they think you wouldn't want to go. Especially if you all meet up without the kids on other occasions.

Mums do tend to waffle on about their kids when they are together, so they might think you would be bored

Be proactive and arrange for them all to join you on an outing somewhere that you could all enjoy, maybe?

Above all, be honest with them if you can.

I made the mistake of putting up with certain behaviours from a couple of friends which got me down, and eventually just withdrew from the relationships. Had I told them how it was effecting me, we might still be friends now.

That's brilliant advice. Ultimately, I love my friends, and I'd be devastated if I lost any of them. Time to be a grown up and tell them what I'm feeling...*gulp*

I get you totally. We are also childless by choice. Nobody gets it, everyone seems to think there is something wrong with you if you don't want to become a mum.
It's not their fault... They have just been programmed into thinking it's the only way to live... Job, mortgage, kids.
I used to feel the same. Now I'm the complete opposite and so is my husband. We just yearn for complete freedom and there's nothing wrong with that... Although there's no end of people who make us feel like there is! Hoping that we will gradually start to meet people who share our mindset! X

I hope you start meeting people who share the same views as you too. I like my life just the way it is, I don't like change, and I like being able to go anywhere or do anything with only the doglets to consider. I'm very lucky that my friends don't question it anymore...the occasional "doesn't this make you broody at all?" comment if I'm holding one of their babies, but that's more a friendly jibe rather than them thinking I'm odd or not normal.

I'm slightly different in that I can't have children, but I'm ok with it. I find it best to be honest. At work everyone knows that I'll not remember everything about their children, but will do about their dogs. As a result we have chats about babies/children but that's only a small part of what we'd talk about. It has also meant that I've have had time to be there for my niece and nephew. We have a great relationship and even though they are now young adults they still spend a lot of time with me. You may find that as your friends children grow up you can also be a part of their lives.

If you like their children, then start by offering to help in some way with the play dates. They might think that you don't want to come; rather than they don't want you to come.

Life is different without children but it is still just as good.

I'm so touched that you've replied I didn't want people to think I was being callous and not respectful of those who can't have children. I'm very comfortable with my decision, and last night I was starting to feel like being excluded was a consequence I was just going to have to accept because of that decision. It's been so lovely to read that, actually, it is ok for me to want to be involved in the "mummy" activities, and that I should let my friends know that it is something I'd like to do.

I'm like you with the dogs...I remember everything about friend's and colleagues dogs! Everything else, not so much...

 

I get you totally. We are also childless by choice. Nobody gets it, everyone seems to think there is something wrong with you if you don't want to become a mum.
It's not their fault... They have just been programmed into thinking it's the only way to live... Job, mortgage, kids.
I used to feel the same. Now I'm the complete opposite and so is my husband. We just yearn for complete freedom and there's nothing wrong with that... Although there's no end of people who make us feel like there is! Hoping that we will gradually start to meet people who share our mindset! X

 

I'm slightly different in that I can't have children, but I'm ok with it. I find it best to be honest. At work everyone knows that I'll not remember everything about their children, but will do about their dogs. As a result we have chats about babies/children but that's only a small part of what we'd talk about. It has also meant that I've have had time to be there for my niece and nephew. We have a great relationship and even though they are now young adults they still spend a lot of time with me. You may find that as your friends children grow up you can also be a part of their lives.

If you like their children, then start by offering to help in some way with the play dates. They might think that you don't want to come; rather than they don't want you to come.

Life is different without children but it is still just as good.

 

Some people who don't have children of their own can be a bit judgemental of others' and their parenting skills. I'm not saying you do, but perhaps your friends feel less "judged" by those around them who are struggling to get it right and making mistakes too

 

And some parents can be judgemental of other parents too. Just because parents have something in common, doesn't automatically make them more sympathetic when one is struggling with an unwanted behaviour.

In fact, i'd go so far as to say some parents are worse than people without children in the judgemental stakes because ego and oneupmanship can come into play.

 

Hey, as the forum all know I'm not by choice but so much of what's been said here resonates with me and I am sorry to hear your woes @Kimmikins. Remove the 'by choice or not by choice' and we have a lot in common with our struggles with friends.

I have let a lot of friendships go over the years for that reason - being excluded - but not because it's malicious. Most friends assumed I wasn't maternal because I didn't say what was happening to me. I'm thinking about some tips that have helped me.

Talking openly about how you feel is a brave thing to do, these are your friends so they should listen to you and I think that might be a good thing to do (on their own without the children to distract them) but have some solutions too. Meeting up with them in smaller groups means a little more one to one, adult conversation. Groups of mums when you are not one is very hard work as the conversation will naturally turn to the thing they have in common. Be the one who they'll hook up to go out drinking with means you'll create your own niche than be the one who has to catch up, let them catch up with you. Perhaps you can arrange a monthly meet up at the pub or a book group - something where you have a distraction (the bar, the food, the book) to talk about to get you back onto other topics. Do you babysit, is that something you feel you could help with? I don't because I struggle with the emotional side coming from a different angle, but that might be a way to become the cool 'auntie' and bond with each friend.

Contrary to what some might assume, I do have many friends who are mums and my best friend is my god daughters mum. But to be as close as we are meant both of us being brutally honest with each other. We were both pregnant together, I miscarried and she did not so we could easily have fallen apart. What binds us is that she is a person with many interests and we have much in common.

I'm trying to think of groups that might help since most of my friends now come from childless not by choice or circumstance these days. These groups aren't necessarily appropriate for those who have chosen to be childless but there is Ageing Without Children who are on Facebook too. For those who are by circumstance then there is the wonderful Gateway Women and they'll be at a conference next week here http://www.wearemanynomos.com/ A lot of what Jody Day talks about, finding new friendships will be interesting no matter what your circumstances.

I hope that helps xx

 

I hate nighttime sometimes. It's when my thoughts will get the better of me, and tonight I'm feeling really quite sad and lonely. Like I need a good cry, but I can't because OH is asleep next to me.

It hit me tonight that I am rapidly becoming the only childless one among my friends. I am childless by choice; I simply don't want kids. I don't have time for them, I have no desire for them and I enjoy life without children in it. I have always been ok with this, and I have always accepted that most, if not all, of my friends don't feel the same way. As we've grown up they've all started families and I have celebrated with them.

I adore the children of my friends. They are all well brought up, and my friends have stayed mostly the same since becoming parents. We still see each other, and do many of the things we used to before. But I'm feeling more and more excluded being the non-parent...they don't do it on purpose...maybe they don't do it at all and it's me doing it. Who knows, but tonight I'm laying in bed feeling genuinely lonely.

They will arrange play dates. And of course I'm not invited because I don't have a child. Why would I expect to be? I don't....but for some reason it still stings. When a small group of us get together inevitably the talk turns to their children; this is only natural, I know, but I always feel like I'm trying to keep a toe in the conversation, still feel relevant and included. I try to "get it" but I feel like they think I can't possibly understand.

It sucks. And it's silly that it sucks. But I had to write it down to try and stop it going over and over and over in my head.

To begin with you are not childless but childfree, there is a subtle but important difference IMO, the former implies you may wish to have them but cannot, the latter that you are childless by choice.

Perhaps if you use this term it may help?

Have you been proactive and offered to baby sit or say go along and be an extra pair of hands on outings where maybe a parent cannot go for one reason or another.

If you have not actively done something to make sure you are included, perhaps you are 50% of the issue?

 

Can I 50% agree with you?

You are right in saying that, unless I've been actively trying to be included, I am also to blame for how I was feeling last night. I have offered to babysit, but being an extra pair of hands is something I'd not considered to offer! Thank you for your reply and your advice

As an aside...does it bother people what word I use to explain it? I never use childless on it's own, I either add "by choice" or I describe myself as not wanting children.

Do you also have any other friends who, like you, have chosen not to have children? I find this helps me as i have a few friends in my life who not only understand the not wanting children, but are easier to make plans with as we are in a similar situatuion.

I also have to say this thread makes me feel a bit more comfortable with my choice as i personally am made to belive that i am the strange one, or that its a phase, all the time!

No, not strange. At least, no more strange than me!

At the moment I can think of nobody else that doesn't want children. I'm sure if I really put my mind to it I could come up with some names, but I think all of my friends who don't have them are waiting to start having them.

Me three!

I do understand about feeling alone sometimes, but for me it's not because I'm single and without children, but due to other issues, I feel very alone sometimes and the feeling to be included is so strong sometimes it hurts, but that feeling comes and goes as I am happier in my own company 99% of the time.

I don't really have anything helpful to add, just wanted to let you know, you are not alone, you have a forum of friends, a OH and your wonderful dogs

Aww, thank you for replying I love my dogs, they are my children and I'm happy with my family the way that it is. I'm sorry that you ever feel alone, I wish I could reach through the inter webs and give you a "you're not alone" hug!

 

Aww, thank you for all the replies. I woke up feeling really silly that I'd posted, and was a bit scared about what I'd find when I logged on...I genuinely didn't expect such lovely responses!

I will try and reply to each one individually, but because there have been so many (seriously, I'm touched) I didn't want people to think I'd posted and bolted!

 

Do you also have any other friends who, like you, have chosen not to have children? I find this helps me as i have a few friends in my life who not only understand the not wanting children, but are easier to make plans with as we are in a similar situatuion.



I also have to say this thread makes me feel a bit more comfortable with my choice as i personally am made to belive that i am the strange one, or that its a phase, all the time!

 

I don't describe myself as child free/child less etc. I'm just me. It's not a conversation I have as I don't see the need. I've rarely been asked. Being an aunt is brill as you get to do all the fun stiff without the responsibility x

 

I do like being able to hand the child back I used to get asked about it fairly frequently, especially when I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years and we have the house, the dogs and all the other "grown up" stuff, so people would assume that children were next. It happens rarely now, more a joke or to see who can make me roll my eyes the loudest!

 

I take it your friends know you are childless by choice? There are several people I know who don't have children and I don't know why, was it by choice or is it because they were unable to, just don't know and would never be able to broach the subject because I'm too worried about upsetting someone.

Perhaps it may help for you to think about this in another way. Say you have a good group of friends with dogs (as well as your friends with children) and you and your doggy friends met regularly for play dates for the dogs. Would you think to ask the dogless (by choice) friends to join you?

 

I haven't anything to add to the other comments that are far more helpful than anything I could say but I just wanted to send you hugs .

 

I have never heard of nomo @MollySmith! Is that used by mums to describe non-mums, or by non-mums to describe themselves? Ooohhh, I can't decide if I like it or not

And I think we should definitely have the curtsy...like a secret handshake only with curtsying

To me, child free came across as if I think that those who have kids are burdened, weighed down...while I'm freeeeee. Isn't it interesting how different people interpret things!

 

It seems to be used by the community themselves, it's an odd one isn't it? There just isn't a term so I'm with @Animallover26, we are all unique and us!

 

I just want to say how inspiring and moving I've found this thread. The support that's been offered, the compassion , empathy and love.
My closest friends were unable to conceive, I met my partner , married him and had a baby all during the time they were undergoing investigations and treatment. I had to tell them I was pregnant at just the time they were told it wasn't going to happen - believe me, it was hard.
I really hope this revelation doesn't hurt anyone, just saying that friends with children can feel awkward in these relationships too.

 

I just want to say how inspiring and moving I've found this thread. The support that's been offered, the compassion , empathy and love.
My closest friends were unable to conceive, I met my partner , married him and had a baby all during the time they were undergoing investigations and treatment. I had to tell them I was pregnant at just the time they were told it wasn't going to happen - believe me, it was hard.
I really hope this revelation doesn't hurt anyone, just saying that friends with children can feel awkward in these relationships too.

Oh completely agree! I think and know that my friends who have children have struggled with knowing what to do with me as I have with them. Even saying I can't sleep is hard because the parent will doubtless wonder why when they have a 6 month old bawling at all hours in the bedroom next door. But I don't sleep for fear and worries and others for different reason as is apparent in @Kimmikins opening thread. It can be a minefield! As I said about my best friend being a mum (I even took a pregnancy test in her bathroom!). It's tough but honest conversations do help.

When I set up www.walkinourshoes.org.uk it was because of my best friend and I, I wanted to share what we had in the hope it would educate both childless/free/nomo etc and those who are parents. Bridge the gap because it can be the biggest divide. It was also inspired by this and I post it again because all women need to read this
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jan/15/having-children-not-define-divide-women

What I would say is that there are many friends of mine who have shared scans on Facebook or text without pausing to understand how it may affect those who aren't mums. It can be devastating. If they are close friends or family, one lesson I'd urge everyone to take on, is visit them to tell them if you have any inkling that they might be struggling to have children. Or tell a close friend or family member to tell them so they don't hear it on the grapevine.

The other lesson I have is, trust your friends who don't have kids with your kids. The single, most hurtful thing I have had said to me (and I hear a lot, inc. 'just adopt') was that I would want to snatch the children. Yes, really! No matter how the circumstances are, we're all humans with feelings and not having trust is painful and hurtful. Being trusted with my god daughters was the most wonderful treasure and lessened the pain so much. I have the eldest here with me today and I'll be driving her home later and it's all lovely but that's down to her mum, my best friend being a honest friend and me being brave enough to say this is what I need.

 

I lost some of my childless friends. Had no time to go out when they felt like it and so on..
Felt excluded too. They talked about jobs, weekend breaks, shopping sprees...none of I could say anything..

Felt grumpy, boring and tired...
While mum brigade understood why we have to be home before 12 ...and sober..
Why cannot just go for fun weekend at spa...

I often envied my carefree friends that...

But one of childless girls is still in touch and now when mine kids are older we have more time for each other..


Try to stay around...hint you would love to be a godmother?
The stage of small kids will pass and your friends would love to have nappy talk free zone...

 

I lost some of my childless friends. Had no time to go out when they felt like it and so on..
Felt excluded too. They talked about jobs, weekend breaks, shopping sprees...none of I could say anything..

Felt grumpy, boring and tired...
While mum brigade understood why we have to be home before 12 ...and sober..
Why cannot just go for fun weekend at spa...

I often envied my carefree friends that...

But one of childless girls is still in touch and now when mine kids are older we have more time for each other..

Try to stay around...hint you would love to be a godmother?
The stage of small kids will pass and your friends would love to have nappy talk free zone...

Nappy talk free zone...I like that

I try to be understanding about the world of parenthood. We've adapted our evening rituals around bath time, bedtime etc, and they will sometimes get a sitter in so we can go out to see a movie or for dinner like we used to. Even when they slip off the radar for a while, I make sure to send the occasional text to keep in touch and let them know I miss them

I think every mummy needs a spa day though

 

People thought you'd want to snatch their kid because you couldn't have one of your own? Really?!

 

It was a relative too. My cousin who was a new grandparent (all his kids have had children almost 9 months after they were 16). They were talking about babysitting and he said 'best not ask my cousin, she'd snatch the baby'. Oh my how we all laughed... not. I don't often lose my temper but he got a ear bashing.

 

@Kimmikins are you feeling a bit better now?

 

Much better today, thank you A lovely walk with Fidgey, and reading all the replies has been lovely. Sat with our neighbours watching Zootropolis and waiting for pizza xx

 

I have a child and sometimes I feel like it's a struggle arranging things with my child free friends. I can't always attend child free outings and they don't want to be stuck with my child or go to child friendly places.

Sometimes it's nice to talk about things other than kids!

As a parent if I'm arranging a play date it's to benefit my son (and me also), if I'm arranging to see someone with no kids it's because I want to spend time with them but it might need to be in a child friendly environment because I need somewhere my 15 month old can be free.

 

.
.
I am childless, but i *did* want children - then discovered that i could love kids not my own just as intensely as if i'd carried them to term, which was quite the revelation.
my other concern was being able to provide - not just barely, but adequately with a bit left over - for myself AND any child i had, which in the USA is not easy. Preg women get the dirty end of the stick in employment, & trying to keep a job as a single mum is dam*ed near impossible. The 1st time the kid runs a temp or has anything contagious & must stay home / be cared for, that's the end of the job, in 90% of cases.
.
So by the time i was 25-YO, i'd decided - since i didn't want to rely on a male partner to help cover costs, nor did i want to try to slog it solo - that i'd *not* have children. I wanted my tubes tied - & THREE different ob/gyns, all BTW male, said i was "too young to make such a decision".
Excuse me?!... which of us is the one with ovaries & a uterus, who's been capable of getting preg since 11-yrs age, U sanctimonious, patronizing, sexist pigs?! --- After 14 yrs of fertility, & 4 yrs as a sexually-active adult, i was perfectly capable of choosing for myself.
As it was, i gave up on a tubal ligation - & went thru 2 more miscarriages, since i was apparently fertile as a rabbit, but couldn't sustain a pregnancy.
.
.
my various relatives have not been supportive nor understanding - my elder sister threw a fit over my decision to abort a 4th pregnancy that would have meant a profoundly-injured child, as i'd been in a car-accident & the fetus was under general-anaesthesia twice in the early 1st trimester [i hadn't even known i was pregnant].
My older sis is infertile, due to a childhood 105'F fever that scarred both Fallopian tubes closed - she insisted she'd have "taken my baby as her own" if i'd had her or him, which is pretty smug on her part, as i needed surgery & any future potential-baby would've had spina-bifida, been profoundly retarded, deaf / blind / both, or otherwise severely handicapped.
I saw no reason to continue an unplanned pregnancy that would end with a child who - if s/he survived - would live with massive congenital injuries.
I'd already explained that to my mother - but as usual, she passed on only the 'highlights' of the convo, namely that i'd aborted a pregnancy, which wasn't the primary message - but that's the one that reached my Big Sis' shell-like ears.
.
As it was, Sis & my BIL adopted a perfectly-healthy 12-WO boy infant - & they still struggled to rear him, as my nephew was extremely athletic, precocious physically, a poor scholar, self-willed, & by the time he was 12-YO, was huffing aerosols in their garage - & toking weed by 14. My BIL, his Dad, is an autocratic bully, & intensely anti-drug - while frequently drinking himself stoopid at various social functions, since --- apparently - "legal drugs" like alcohol don't count as 'DRUGS'. :Muted Hypocrisy, anyone?...
I don't think they'd have fared well, with any hypothetical severely-handicapped child.
.
Fast-forward all these years, & i've spent lots of time with kids - relatives', friends', neighbors', clients'... - & enjoyed it.
I do wish i had lived in a country where having a baby wasn't an obstacle course, but c'est la vie. I still struggle to keep myself fed, clothed, housed, & my bills paid, so i'm under no illusions that having a baby at 22 or even 30 would have "all worked out", & growing up poor - even tho we weren't starving - I'd never want to inflict that on a child.
.
To have a child / children, or not - by choice or by circumstance -- is a tough, highly emotional issue, & 1 in 4 apparently-normal pregnancies ends in a miscarriage - often never acknowledged, let alone mourned, by anyone but the mother-to-be who lost that potential infant.
.
hanging out with mommy-friends is fine, so is time with grands & their grandkids - I enjoy children, especially as students, they are endlessly curious if they haven't been quashed, & great fun. [Not, of course, the rude, crude, mean, or utterly self-centered ones - & we've all met them. ]
.
.
.
.

 

A bit late to the party, but I'm another one who is single, childless and has drifted away from a lot of my friends. I dearly wish that I had spoken to my friends, when they were having their children, and explained that my idea of a good night is to hang out with them at home, not go clubbing etc. One of my friends explained to me, very recently (after I told her how sad I was that I hadn't seen her for about 7 years), that she would have felt guilty, not being able to give me all her attention, and she would worry that I was bored. Oh, for the sake of one conversation, how different things could have been!

I find myself in a rather different situation now, where I gravitated towards other childless people, but now I have moved out of London and settled down with the dogs, so I don't fit into either camp - I don't have children, but I am also not free to go out to the pub, or for last minute weekends away etc., so it really has become rather lonely.

 

That was something I wanted to pick up in response to something I think @cheekyscrip has said. I can't say I've ever had a spa day or shopping spree. Mostly because of Molly and also that in being without children our live become filled with our own commitments that may keep us at home too. Like you, I gravitate to other people without children as I also know that I'm less likely to be hurt in a conversation too.

I know it's not the same but you have us on here

 

Hope you are feeling better today Kim. I don't have much to add because I am in a bit of an odd situation myself (I don't like or ever want children, but my OH has one who had to come to live with us and I struggle greatly with it).

I really would talk to your friends and say that you want to come out with them, they may think that 'you wouldn't want too' but it's a bit like saying that someone wont want to go for a country walk with you 'because they don't have a dog'