Hi I lost my fur baby 4 weeks ago and I am really struggling to cope with it and the guilt. I feel guilty for so many things. Let me give you the back story. I had my little Yorkie 13 and half years I knew her since she was in her mom's tummy, she came home at 8 weeks old and I instantly fell in love with her. She was the naughtiest dog I had ever had all through her 13 and half years never really slept was constantly hyper. But also so funny and unique. Around 6 months old she started with servre skin allergies and seemed she was allergic to life, her face would also swell up the vets put her on steroids after a few trys to wean her off them it came apparent she would be dependent on it was then we was told that she probably wouldn't live past 7 years because the steroids would ruin her organs. When she was 11 and half the vets said her liver function test was bad at best had just a few months, she managed to be ok for another 2 years before her liver failed which lead to her to be PTS. The bit I am really struggling with is I didn't have her ashes, she was a shared dog my friend didn't want them as she wanted to remember how she was and also finds stuff like ashes spooky, we had talked about it previously and she knew my wishes but would say stuff to me to make me wonder if it would be right for me to have them, on the day when the vet asked my friend said it's up to you I said no as I knew her feelings, I regret it so much why did I say no I should have said yes. I feel I let my baby down and that I'm a bad mum for not having them how could I have loved her if I said the words no. I am not eating hardly anything or drinking much I have lost weight everyone is commenting on how I look and that Milly wouldn't want me to be sad. I feel no one understands. My friend said she has found comfort knowing she had 13 and half amazing years filled with love and fun, and that's she's now at peace. She says what was most important her life while she was alive not afterwards her body was just a shell and she's at peace. Why can't I feel that comfort. I did chase her up to find out they had took her and I was too late as she had been cemented, to make it even worse I found out it was no longer the a local one where my other friends dog went but miles away down south so I now can't even visit. The vets reasurred me it was beautiful gardens where they scatter the ashes. I feel numb and so alone.