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Sorry for the downer...

Discussion in 'Cat Chat' started by dharma66, Nov 18, 2012.


  1. dharma66

    dharma66 PetForums Senior

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    But I'm really struggling with the loss of my boys.

    It's so difficult. Pat and I are on two different wavelengths. She needs to get rid of everything, so the house is starting to look like they never existed, and I'm just not ready for that.

    I'm still crying for them every day, and I need to have their things around me. The only thing left now is their cat tree, which I've put off removing. But we're having a handy man in next week, Pat has asked him to take it away.

    Then they will be gone. The house will look exactly as it did three years ago, before they arrived. The only thing I'll have is the brown bootlace they brought with them from the breeder, and which remained their favourite toy till the end - no matter what we bought them.

    Pat teaches night school three nights a week, and coming into the empty house is just awful. Someone said "I love my cats because I love my home, and slowly, over time, cats become the its visible soul."

    I feel like my home has died. I can barely stand to be here on my own. It's soulless and empty.

    I love them so much. Why did they have to go so young.
     
  2. Chillicat

    Chillicat PetForums VIP

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    There is nothing I can say to help I don't have the right words, but I didn't want to read and run. So sorry for your loss. :crying:
     
  3. dagny0823

    dagny0823 PetForums VIP

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    I'm so sorry and my heart truly breaks for you. People deal with grief in different ways and it sounds as though your partner has exactly the opposite way of dealing from you. I would hide that little bootlace, so you have it. And I hope you have a lot of pictures. Those will help. Perhaps you can even get a little shadow box and put it in there with some favorite pictures. I don't want to sound harsh or make any trouble, but Pat needs to understand your perspective as well and if you need to have reminders of them to be okay, then she has to meet you halfway. This can't all be one person's way of grieving and nothing for the other----otherwise, you will never get over it and you will resent her.

    And I'm not trying to plant seeds of dissent or anything, but I have a strong suspicion that you would come to terms with this better by having a new pet around--just something to fill the hole in your heart and to love. Not to replace them, but just something--even a bird if a cat seems too much like the boys. When we lost first our tiny foundling kittens, then Pippin quite suddenly, even though we had other pets, there was a giant gaping hole, and some of the cats weren't getting over their loss. I didn't feel right until we brought Blake and Chaucer home. They were so like Pippin, but each in different ways, that it was comforting in a strange way. And Jezebel stopped wandering the house crying for her friend. Do I think my way of coping is the only right one? Absolutely not. But I hear in what you're writing that you miss your boys and you have a similar gaping hole inside that needs to have something to love.

    Big hugs from across the pond--I hope you find a way to get through this and to make Pat understand your point of view.

    (((((((()))))))))))
     
  4. egyptianreggae

    egyptianreggae PetForums VIP

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    I'm so sorry for your loss, you expect cats to be around forever and it's awful having them taken away from you, especially in such tragic circumstances. Do please keep talking to us, if it helps. when mine went, it was such a comfort to share funny stories about them with other people. Hopefully some day you will be able to consider sharing your home with cats again, as it's obvious how much love you have to give, as well as a fantastic home. Take care of yourselves.
     
  5. ellsbells0123

    ellsbells0123 PetForums VIP

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    I totally agree with dagny, we lost Suzie in June and now have bentley and he has helped so much. I miss Suzie like made, but I have Amber and Bentley to help me.
     
  6. tincan

    tincan PetForums VIP

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    I too am at a loss for words , but listen maybe this is Pat's way of dealing with loss/grief , if it is any consolation i did exactly the same with my beloved "mink" in March .

    I could not bear to keep her things around , her bed ,toys,bowl went in the bin ...... Harsh maybe but it was my reaction to losing my 16yr old girl , She will be forever in my heart and i love her dearly even now ,she will never be forgotten . We all deal with things differently :)
     
  7. sarahecp

    sarahecp Crazy Cat Lady of Bucks

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    I too agree with Dagny. When I lost my Tim, the house was so empty, so lonley, my heart had a hole that needed to be filled, I then adopted Frankie, he wasn't to replace Tim and never will, though I love him just as much and he helped me so much.

    It's so, so hard when we lose our beloved pets, I still have my Tim's things in my wardrobe, on a shelf just for him together with his ashes, I will never ever part with them.

    Pat sounds just like my OH, but we all grieve in different ways, I don't think losing a pet is any way different to losing a human family member, because that's what they are, a part of the family, my Dad died 16 years ago and my Mum still has all his things.

    Talk to Pat and let her know how you feel.

    ((((hugs)))) xx
     
  8. Oscars mam

    Oscars mam PetForums VIP

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    I have no words other than what's been said! I'm so sorry you're still hurting so badly :'( (((hugs)))
     
  9. lymorelynn

    lymorelynn UN Peacekeeper in training
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    It's so hard when two people deal with their loss in very different ways :(:( I really think you need to explain to Pat how devastated you will feel once every thing has gone and how empty you feel when you are home on your own.
    Perhaps another kitten is the answer. Don't look at it as replacing your beloved Eric and Ernie - just as an outlet for all the love you have left to give.
     
  10. Treaclesmum

    Treaclesmum PetForums VIP

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    Poor you :( I would think about getting a rescue cat, you can always rescue a BSH (I just have!!!) :) I really think it would be good for you to get an older cat who is known to prefer the indoor life and can't come to any harm when you're not there. That's what I would try to do in your situation, I really hope that you and Pat can help each other come to terms with your tragic losses xxx
     
  11. jill3

    jill3 PetForums VIP

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    I totally agree with Treaclemum.
    I think for you personally another kitty or two will help you.
    You will never forget your other two babies.
    I lost two myself this year and I adopted Archie very soon after.
    He has helped us all so much.
    I think you need to sit Pat down and tell her how you feel. Maybe you cry when she's not there and hide your emotions.
    Also Pat my be scared of falling in love with another cat.
    If you are left on your own a lot in the evenings I would tell her that soon you would like your house to be a home again and you are going to get a cat for company, you could say it will be mine and I will look after him.
    Turning on the tears in front of her might make her realise how much this means to you.
    As for the cat tree I would ring the workman up and tell him not to take it.
    Hide it somewhere in the garage or at a friends house.
     
  12. Alaskacat

    Alaskacat PetForums Senior

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    I'm glad to see you back on here, please stay in touch with us. You suffered such a tragic loss and need to grieve for your boys, but please, in time, do consider giving a home to a rescue cat, not in any way to replace them but because you have a roof that could go over some unwanted kitties head. Don't even set out to love them, cats have a way of invading our hearts whether we want them to or not. Alternatively breeders sometimes have queens who retire from breeding and need a loving indoor home away from other hormonal queens and young kittens.

    My heart is with you in your grief and I hope the pain fades soon so you can remember the good times.
     
  13. dharma66

    dharma66 PetForums Senior

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    Thenk you all so much for your kind words.

    It is Pats way of grieving, and I try hard to put her needs before mine. I will cope eventually.

    I would start the rescue process today if it was up to me. Or perhaps make contact with a couple of breeders. Not BSH though, neither of us could cope with that.

    We've come by some money, and I'd use some of it to have the garden modified and this time have the cat proofing done professionally with something like catzecure put in place.

    But Pat isn't ready for more cats yet. She wants to wait a year or so and then decide if she changes her mind. Its because she's worried we'd not be a safe place, and she is worried about having to go through the trauma again.

    Neither of us want indoor cats. I don't really want to get into the indoor/outdoor debate, and fully respect those who keep cats indoors - especially after what happened - but we could never be comfortable sitting in our garden in the summer with kitties looking at us accusingly through the windows.

    The nights Pat is out are the hardest. We used to play for hours. They used to take it in turns. I'd have Da Bird going, and Ernie would chase it whilst Eric watched from the sofa, then Ernie would jump up to the windowsill and watch as Eric took over. The bootlace was the only thing that that would compell them both to play at once. Not counting spiders...
     
  14. Jiskefet

    Jiskefet Slave to the Hairy Hikers

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    Keep that bootlace with you at all times, maybe wear it as a bracelet...
    It is YOUR private link to them.

    I admire you for trying to put Pats needs before yours, but you need to talk to her, tell her how YOU feel, what YOUR needs are..... It's no good bottling it all up, it will only make you ill. Couples split up over things like that, because they shut each other out and drift apart in their grief. Don't let that happen to you.

    She may not be ready to love another cat, but if she really understands how deeply you long for the warmth and love of a cat, not to replace tehm, but to have an outlet for your love as well as your grief, she might reconsider a rescue cat. A cat that really, REALLY needs caring people like you to give it a good and safe home.

    When Jiskefet died, I didn't want any other cat to take his place, but Jiskefet had other ideas. When I buried him I 'heard' this voice in my head telling me to go to a certain rescue the next morning. Name of the rescue (one I'd never been to, before), time and all. I arrived at the right time, which turned out to be opening time of the rescue, and found a cat waiting for me, following me around everywhere and even going into the carrier of his own accord.
    I could not feel any bonding at first, he wasn't 'my cat', just a lovely cat that needed a home. But he needed a loving home, which I could provide, and he gave me the love and comfort I needed. But he grew on me, and vry soon I grew from just being protective to loving him dearly.
    To this day, I believe that Jiskefet, himself, chose him for me to help me cope with my overwhelming grief, and I consider Ricky to be his parting gift to me.

    Jiskefet knew my heart was big enough to find a new place in it for every cat that came my way, without taking away any love from him or the other cats in my life, even when I did not understand.
    He made me understand by sending Ricky to me, by entrusting him into my care.

    You say you have the money to properly catproof the garden, so that shouldn't be a problem.

    Just explain to her how you feel, how deep your need to give your love to some lovong cat is......
     
  15. Treaclesmum

    Treaclesmum PetForums VIP

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    I can totally understand you not wanting to keep a cat confined, however some cats really do prefer to be indoors. Some cats are even put up for adoption because they won't go outside!! I saw a lovely little black and white moggy kitten on a rescue site once, she had been returned just because she didn't like the outdoors!!! The owners didn't want to continue to have a litter tray :rolleyes: so that's why they returned her!!! :(

    If you found a cat like that, I'm sure it would be quite happy to stay in :)

    And even with a more secure garden, maybe a laid back cat like a Persian would be good as they're not inclined to try climbing out or wander off? You could just let them out when you're there if there's no escape routes :)
     
  16. tylow

    tylow PetForums VIP

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    Sorry for your loss and the pain you are experiencing. I can fully appreciate what you are saying about the emptiness around the home with the loss of your furry family. Our cats are strictly houses cats with access to small outdoor runs in the summer but I have to say there is only one who prefers the outdoor run to indoors. As someone else mentioned there are often breeders rehoming ex breeding cats that are sometimes quite young and have never been outdoors or allowed to free roam and make wonderful house pets.
     
  17. welshjet

    welshjet PetForums VIP

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    When Suki died my mum did this as she lived with her.

    All i really had were photos and memories. Both of which set me off all the time .

    I love cats, but Suki was 'mine', she was my best friend

    I argued with myself every weekend, and even made myself ill through getting upset

    1 i was missing her dreadfully
    2 i wanted another cat

    We ended up getting another two.

    My mum absolutely adores our two and i know that she would love another one and has told me as much, but even though they are retired, i know my mum will never have another.

    You really need to talk to Pat, if only to tell her that your not ready to fully let go and that you just need more time. Perhaps suggest that you will remove things when your ready, but in the meantime, you want to keep them all and put them in one area.

    Id definately keep the lace though however you go about it.

    Have you got a nice picture of them, perhaps get one professionally drawn of them and frame it. There was someone on the forum who did drawings - just a thought xxx
     
  18. Treaclesmum

    Treaclesmum PetForums VIP

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    My mum said she couldn't face the idea of another cat after we lost Panda - and this was a surprise to me because she has had cats all her life, and her own mum was a breeder in the 1950s - but I managed to talk her round!! I know she doesn't regret it! :)
     
  19. Gemmaa

    Gemmaa PetForums VIP

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    #19 Gemmaa, Nov 19, 2012
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2018
  20. merlin12

    merlin12 PetForums VIP

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    You both have very different needs and she needs to know how you feel so as to avoid any form of resentment.
     
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