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REALLY interesting!!! Your other half has an affair...do you forgive them? Honestly?

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by classixuk, Jun 16, 2010.


  1. classixuk

    classixuk PetForums VIP

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    I've just read a REALLY interesting story by a woman who forgave her husband's affair. Here's the link:

    Why I'm forgiving my husband for falling in love with another woman | Mail Online

    It's a long column (totally worth the read), but just incase you're not in the mood for it, here's the jist:

    Husband becomes transfixed with Facebook, meets an old crush and begins an affair, wife finds out, husband reckons he ALWAYS loved his new mistress all of his life...what should the wife do after more than 20 years of marriage?

    Her story is really interesting.

    What would you have done? If you don't mind, could you also put which generation you are from in your post if you reply? It will be interesting to see if it's an age thing.

    I'm a child of the late 1970s (born 77) and I fully support what she did. She fought for everything that was dear to her and looked at what she could do differently to keep her marriage and family from failing.
     
  2. lizzyboo

    lizzyboo PetForums VIP

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    if it was a full blown affair, i dont think i could forgive hubby......... i am all for fighting for what you have but if he admitted he had always been in love with his mistress, arnt you fighting a losing battle? there is only so much you can fight... and it would be in the back of my mind always.... so no, i dont think i would forgive an affair.

    i am also a 70's child, born 1974 x
     
  3. Clare7435

    Clare7435 PetForums VIP

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    I did...and although we have since parted it wasnt over that, I was born in 74
     
  4. Savahl

    Savahl Guest

    My hubby actually left me to go and live with a girl ten years his junior, so it went from affair to actually leaving me for someone else. 8months on and he has shown his face again, and to be honest, I would probably try again. I still love him really, i gave him all of my adult life in reality (from 15 to 24).

    So, yeah, i have forgiven him. Its up to him if he wants to try again.

    Born in 1984.
     
  5. RAINYBOW

    RAINYBOW PetForums VIP

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    I am with you Classix. **** happens, people aren't robots and sometimes life gets in the way of even the strongest partnerships, i would work damn hard to sort it out and try and put my marriage back on track.


    I could definately forgive and forget for the sake of my kids

    I am mid 30s

    A close friend of mine has just spent the last 3 years fighting for her marriage though and sadly they just cant make it work, sometimes things just cant be got over :frown: It's very sad for them, even they aren't sure why they can't sort it out, they both want to, have kids and a great life but despite councelling, living apart, living back together etc etc they have had to admit defeat. I truly admire my friend for trying so hard.
     
  6. Cleo38

    Cleo38 PetForums VIP

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    I know you can't comment on other people realtionships but I find it difficult to understand how she could be willing to try & resolve this when at no point during the article does she mention that her husband has been remoresful for the hurt he has caused her & for ignoring & upsetting his children.
    It also seems as if it's the wife who is working at saving the relationship although she says that he 'makes an effort to spend more time' with his children.... he should be doing that anyway, he's their father!
    I couldn't forgive my OH for a full blown affair - if he'd looked me in the face & lied to me like that then I would never be able to trust him again.
     
  7. billyboysmammy

    billyboysmammy PetForums VIP

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    I did, time and time again.... until i couldnt take it anymore when he brought his facebook woman over from south america.

    My story was slightly different though in that he wasnt "in love" with these women, was always full of remorse, and was just a serial cheater.

    I'm afraid that as much as i would love to say i would try to work at a relationship where the above happened, my past experiences mean i just couldnt. I would not be made a fool of ever ever again.
     
  8. classixuk

    classixuk PetForums VIP

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    Cleo...can I just clarify which generation you're from?

    Also, what about the fact that she did actually win? She stopped the other woman from getting her husband, and maintained her home and marriage at the same time? Does that make her a stronger or a weaker woman in your opinion?

    What if she'd let him go without a fight? What if he'd settled down and she ended up with nobody?
     
  9. AmberNero

    AmberNero PetForums VIP

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    I've told my partner that I wouldn't forgive him if he ever cheated, and he said he wouldn't forgive me if I ever cheated- but I think I would in reality. We haven't had any children yet, and we haven't been together for 20 + years, and these things make a difference to your relationship, so in a decade or so I might have a different answer, but at this point in our lives I would forgive him and do everything I could to make our relationship work. I'm in my mid-20's.
     
  10. GoldenShadow

    GoldenShadow PetForums VIP

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    I'd tell myself its a mid life crisis, lots of men have this happen and change at that point in their lives :scared:

    On a personal level I don't think I could ever trust someone again if they had an affair. If you'd been married 20 years and had kids etc, for me it'd depend how old the kids were as to what I did. If they were younger (than 16-18) and it was going to be more difficult to split of course I wouldn't do it if possible and would try harder, but if it wasn't working I wouldn't hesitate to split. My parents 'pretended' for mine and my siblings sake for years and I can tell you now it gave me a worse childhood for that.

    If I had kids I'd probably try harder to get things back on track, but if he wasn't willing or it just wasn't going as it should I wouldn't hesitate to get out (seeing as my parents just hung around hoping it would get better for years). I doubt I could ever trust again anyway if he went and had a fully fledged affair so I think I would leave him and not give him another chance, just kids may slow the process down...

    I can't and wont trust again if people break my trust. My ex is an example of that no matter what I tried I couldn't forgive him, it was just the end of an era and time to move on.

    I was born in 1992.
     
  11. tashi

    tashi PetForums VIP

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    As one who is on her second marriage all I can say is TG I let him go and met my present OH what a better life I have had all through, he is the father of my two girls, puts up with my love of animals (he always said 1 dog only :eek:) if I had still been with my first hubbie I wouldnt have had nor felt the love I do now, nor my two girls :thumbup:

    I am an old un :lol:

    think in the end you have to do what you feel is right for you, I fought with the first one in fact it ended up literally in the end - he has now ended up a very sad person on his own. Do I regret it NO not at all :D
     
  12. Cleo38

    Cleo38 PetForums VIP

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    I'm a 70's child as well. My Mum had a similar situation with my dad when I was growing up. He had this infatuation with another woman which he built up into some romantic affair :rolleyes:. My mum put up with alot & was also the one trying to make things work which tbh made me pity her but also angry at how she didn't appear to value her needs. As I got older I could see that she was doing what she thought was right for her children & keeping the family together but I still think she ended up with such low self esteem by letting him call the shots. It also made me despise my dad (there was alot of other reasons aswell!) as I saw how he was acting & the effect it had on my mum (even though she tried to keep it from us).
    Whilst I can understand that if you have children things are different but at the same time I can't see anywahere in this article how much the husband values his family.
    I don't think the wife has 'won', even though it's early days she is still worrying about his whereabouts, how long can you live like that?
    As I said i would be more understand if she had mentioned that her husband had expressed remorse at the upset he caused everyone but she hasn't.
    I can understand her fighting for her marriage but what sort of marriage can she now have? Just a man living in the same house who doesn't really love her? Who's lied to her, cheated on her?
    Maybe some people can rebuild things & I hope they can but I couldn't. I can't bear people who can consistently lie, maybe that's left over from my childhood.... I unerstand that no one is perfect & we all make massive mistakes in life but some things just can't be undone
     
  13. GoldenShadow

    GoldenShadow PetForums VIP

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    Agree with you, my parents were very similar too x
     
  14. vickie1985

    vickie1985 PetForums VIP

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    im actually not too sure, i think its something that would have to happen to me to know how it feels to actually decide what i would do.

    I would like to hope that things could be sorted out, but after something ad big as this, could you actually trust that person not to do it again? What if he still loves this other woman? in a few years time when his marriage has settled would there be a chance of it happening again?
     
  15. kittykat

    kittykat PetForums VIP

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    No, end of.
     
  16. RAINYBOW

    RAINYBOW PetForums VIP

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    LOL just remembered my parents situation. They divorced when i was 8 due to an affair (mum with dads best mate :scared:) I am 37 now and have a 24 year old brother who they had after they got re married :thumbup:

    I don't think anyone "fought" in that situation they just realised they wanted to be together again and my Dad had to bury ALOT of stuff :)

    I do think your attitude changes as you invest more in a marriage/relationship, have kids etc. In my late teens/early 20s i would have answered this very differently.

    I have what i consider to be a very strong marriage but i would hate to be complacent about it. There have been times when the kids were babies that aside from forgiving an affair i would have completely understood why one had occurred.

    Having said that my hubby is not a flippant person and if he had an affair i think our own relationship would probably be over as he just wouldn't do it unless he had very strong feelings for the other person.

    I had lots of relationships with serial cheaters before i got married and whilst they were "interesting" i made a definate decision not to marry "that sort of man"
     
  17. lymorelynn

    lymorelynn UN Peacekeeper in training
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    You could be me :lol: except I have two boys :D The same with my ex. He had a couple of affairs but we split up because he was 'in love' with my sister. They are now divorced and he has no contact with our daughter or his daughter from his marriage to my sister (my neice) He is just a sad lonely old man. I saw him a few weeks ago and he looked awful. I know where I am better off :thumbup:
     
    tashi likes this.
  18. Mese

    Mese PetForums VIP

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    Its a bit of a standing joke, after a discussion years ago between us about cheating , that if I ever caught my OH in an affair id cut his balls off and superglue glittery woollen pom-poms in their place

    In reality id dump him in a heartbeat , I despise liars
    I was married to a serial cheater , so now its a case of no second chances , leopards rarely change their spots

    I was born 1965
     
  19. tashi

    tashi PetForums VIP

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    loving the pom poms lol

    In fact I have gone so far to tell mine when he complains about the dogs (not often I may add) that he can pack his bags as the dogs are more reliable than any man :lol: :lol:
     
  20. smudgiesmummy

    smudgiesmummy PetForums VIP

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    my ex fiancee cheated on me yet he said he didnt, while i know he did since they got together within days of us splitting.... will i forgive him NO
     
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