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Discussion in 'General Chat' started by crazycrest, Jun 29, 2009.

  1. crazycrest

    crazycrest PetForums VIP

    Feb 13, 2008
    Likes Received:
    If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
    syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below
    will have you laughing out LOUD!

    Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

    Here's what happened:

    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
    "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
    his room.

    "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
    Dad. Can you help?"

    I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him
    into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
    looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do

    "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

    Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

    "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

    I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
    didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

    "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
    inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

    "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
    most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

    "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

    "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
    informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
    I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
    "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle
    of birth."

    "OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

    "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter
    of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do
    think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
    tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

    "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

    "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

    "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

    "Okay, okay. " Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
    next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several
    more times with the same results.

    "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
    could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females
    in my house?)

    Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

    We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

    "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

    "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
    can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
    but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
    little animal through a magnifying glass.

    "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

    "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
    speak to you privately for a moment?"

    I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

    "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

    "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
    fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy. You see,
    Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like
    most male species, they masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
    He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.

    We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just... just... Excited,"
    my wife offered.

    "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More

    Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then
    even laugh loudly.

    "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
    woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
    Tears were now running down her face.

    "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more
    air to bellow in laughter once more.

    "That's enough," I warned.
    We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our
    son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

    "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told

    "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    2 - lizards - $140...
    1 - Cage - $50...
    Trip to the Vet - $30...
    Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker ..... Priceless!
    Rachh, Dozymoo, bexy1989 and 3 others like this.
  2. alyssa_liss

    alyssa_liss PetForums VIP

    May 4, 2009
    Likes Received:
    hahaahahaha rep for you
  3. sequeena

    sequeena PetForums VIP

    Apr 30, 2009
    Likes Received:
    Hahaha :lol: You get rep for that!
  4. colliemerles

    colliemerles PetForums VIP

    Nov 2, 2007
    Likes Received:
  5. ~Tete

    ~Tete PetForums Member

    Jun 27, 2009
    Likes Received:
    Ahh rofl, thats hilarious, im so glad i dont have lizards!!
  6. LouJ69

    LouJ69 PetForums VIP

    Feb 28, 2009
    Likes Received:
    Ha, ha - lovin' it!!!!:D
  7. Baby Bordie

    Baby Bordie PetForums VIP

    Jun 21, 2009
    Likes Received:
    LMAO!! Thats one funny story....
  8. Dozymoo

    Dozymoo PetForums VIP

    Feb 26, 2009
    Likes Received:
    Oh to have been a fly on that wall!!!! Hilarious! :D:D:D:D:D xx
  9. Rachh

    Rachh PetForums Senior

    Jun 24, 2009
    Likes Received:
    LOLLLLLLLLL I can't stop laughing haha thats hilarious :']
    get you!
  10. kenla210

    kenla210 PetForums Senior

    Nov 12, 2008
    Likes Received:
    hilarious!!! :lol: :lol:
  11. Tigerneko

    Tigerneko PetForums VIP

    Jan 2, 2009
    Likes Received:
    LOL nice :laugh:
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