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Points of View please.....(long post..)

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Gilly and Jess, Mar 31, 2011.


  1. Gilly and Jess

    Gilly and Jess PetForums Senior

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    Now I know I've not been on here long, but it's for that reason I thought I'd post this and see what people think. None of you know me very well, so I'd be getting unbiased opinions.

    I've been with my partner for 18 months, he's 48, I'm 40. We both have ex partners and children to them. My ex is very much an ex, he beat me, I left 10 years ago. I don't like him but I tolerate him for the sake of my children who wished to still have contact with him. His ex is not such, he didn't want to leave, his wife had affairs, he stood by her every time, she eventually asked him to leave so he did. We met 2 months later through mutual friends and we've been together ever since. He told me from day 1 he still loved her, he hadn't wanted the marriage to end, and I give him full credit for that, he was totally honest, which is the one thing I ask of anyone who breathes the same air space as me.

    He doesn't live in his own house at the moment, he just got it back last year after his tenant moved out and he's generally stayed with me in the meantime. He goes to see the kids regularly, sometimes staying over down there, which I'm not altogether comfortable with but I tolerate. Just.

    He's a good, GOOD man, big hearted, will do anything for me, he is really helpful around the house, DIY wise and other ways. He cooks, he cleans up after himself, the only thing he doesn't do it ironing. He helps me with money when I'm strapped for cash, and doesn't ask for it back, he pays his way groceries wise. Can't fault him there.

    He works for Network Rail on the maintenance side, has done for 20 years. They've recently brought in a lot of new working conditions and he's not happy with it, but he's had to accept them as they've been introduced anyway. It means his shifts could be messed around with and he's had to take an overtime cut which means he loses around £4000 a year or more. It's a case of put up or shut up with it.

    My problem is that the novelty of "us" appears to be wearing off. I get little or no affection, if I didn't go grab a kiss when he gets in from work I don't get one. I give him a cuddle I get one hand on my side as a cuddle back. Can't even recall the last time there was intimacy. Last week my youngest was away in Howtown for the week, golden opportunity for the mice to play.....I attempted to cuddle in on the couch and all he could do was fart on me and laugh. I moved seats in the end, and was invited back to the couch half an hour later, which I declined....."no thanks, I get the message..."

    Sunday gone he went to see the kids after getting up from a nightshift saturday night. He left saying he'd see me in a few hours. A phone call later in the day revealed that he was at the ex's house but there was no one in, so he was "pottering in the garage" because he hasn't got a key to her house and couldn't get in. He didn't come back that night, and didn't let me know he wasn't coming so I sat up like an idiot waiting for him. Again. He stays over down there more times than he's here now, and it's starting to aggravate. That, on top of the lack of interest in us, has made me boil this week and I've told him I don't think he gives a monkeys about us. I got no response to that, that was tuesday. Haven't seen him all week.

    Am I being unreasonable or selfish in asking that he pay some attention to us now and again? Am I being unfair, given that he's got a little bit of "upheaval" at work? I don't know anyone who'd deal with their partner sleeping over at their ex wife's house. I'm always told that I must be a saint to put up with that. I know there isn't anything going on with the ex wife, she and I have met and talked and she isn't interested as far as I can make out, tho I know her to be a good liar. After all, he has a house of his own, and he could get his butt in gear and get it sorted and have his kids up there, which would give the ex wife a break. He's had a year to do it and never bothered....he usually has the kids at my house if he has them, which isn't very often. He tends to go and see them down their house all the time.....

    Points of view please....:smile:
     
  2. Cockerpoo lover

    Cockerpoo lover PetForums VIP

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    The bit I am focussing in on is when you said he told you he still loved her.

    I think he still does and is hanging in there hoping she will take him back.

    I think he cares for you, but he is still connected to his ex.

    Until he decides that she is firmly in the past where a love connection is concerned,( but will always be important as mother to his kids) i think you will always feel second best.

    His drawing away from you could be a sign that he feels guilty in still having feelings for his ex or that they may be stuff going on and he is unsure what to do next.

    All you can do is talk and talk and make sure he is honest with you.

    If he really feels he cannot let go maybe you might have to if you don't feel you are getting the love you deserve.

    Then maybe he may come back to you when the time is right.

    I hope I am wrong just giving honest opinions from what you have said hun.

    But think you do need to sit down and have a heart to heart.

    Big hugs hun because it's not nice feeling unsure about a partner xx
     
  3. Gilly and Jess

    Gilly and Jess PetForums Senior

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    He's been told in no uncertain terms that if he goes back to her and it goes pear shaped he needn't come looking for me, I won't have that. I don't think she wants him, it's him still living in hope I think. You're right.

    Meantime I have to do without on the affection stakes and I'm not prepared to do that. I just don't know if that's selfish and will drive him away, or whether I've just been TOO tolerant of things up til now and I should have said something sooner!?

    Been giving myself a headache all week with it, losing my temper with myself. :mad:
     
  4. MoggyBaby

    MoggyBaby PetForums VIP

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    Firstly, really sorry you are having to put up with this carp!! You are worth better than this and that is the one thing you MUST keep telling yourself.

    I think you need to sit him down (when you next see him..:eek: ) and lay your cards on the table. Tell him EXACTLY what parts or his behaviour you cannot - and are no longer willing - to accept (be specific but do not nit-pick). Tell him exactly how you are feeling and why his behaviour makes you feel the way it does. Ask him if he feels the relationship has changed and in what way - sometimes we ladies can see changes that men are completely oblivous to. Importantly, allow him to have his talking time and let him finish before you respond. If you react too quickly & talk over him, this will cause further grief. Try to establish boundries on BOTH sides - there may be things that you don't realise you are doing which are causing some hiccps too - and then ensure these boundries are stuck to.

    If, however, none of the above is possible then you need to consider your next move. If the thought of NOT having him around makes you breathe a sigh of relief, then you will have your answer. If the same thought makes you feel really sad, then you need to consider if you will be more sad keeping him around than you would be without him.

    In all of this, you must keep in mind that YOU are a WORTHY person & YOU DESERVE RESPECT. It will be HIS loss if he loses you NOT the other way round.

    Good luck hun. I know it won't be easy but remember that you've got a big forum full of chums who'll be here for you at all times.

    Big huggy thingies to you to keep you strong. :)
     
  5. Amethyst

    Amethyst PetForums VIP

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    If you want honesty ... I don't think his heart is or has ever been yours :(
    It seems as though you were a convenient place to stay while he waited for his tenant to move out. He has taken advantage of your kind nature, and you have given him permission to do so.

    He probably does care for you, but it doesn't sound as though he is in love with you. But to be honest, I wouldn't have a guy move in with me when he told me he still loved his wife :eek:

    Personally I'd tell him to take a hike and put him down to experience. As said you deserve better than this, but it's up to you to value yourself, rather than make do.
     
  6. celicababe1986

    celicababe1986 PetForums VIP

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    very good advice from above hope things work out x:eek:
     
  7. Starlite

    Starlite PetForums VIP

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    ^^ agree

    What a Richard :mad: He isnt making you happy and all the effort shouldnt come from one side either!
    Affection is one of the small things that keeps a relationship strong, its important to us girls and at his age must have gotten that into his head?? I woudnt be happy he was crashing at his ex's now an again after admitting he still loved her, I personally couldnt tolerate that at all. My OH goes to his ex's to see his wee girl sometimes but he is civil for his daughters sake and nothing more.

    As Moggybaby advised have him come over and lay your cards on the table, its easy to say walk away but alot harder to do when its you, I know

    good luck hun xxx
     
  8. Lavenderb

    Lavenderb PetForums VIP

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    Totally agree with this
     
  9. Gilly and Jess

    Gilly and Jess PetForums Senior

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    It would seem I'm being fair in what I'm asking then. That was my main concern. I didn't like to think I was splitting hairs and being pedantic with him.

    I'm all for him seeing his kids, I wouldn't have it any other way. They're great kids, they love their dad, they have a whole heap more respect for him than their mother after the way she treated him. Their mother keeps whining to him that they won't do a thing she asks......I've several opinions on that but I try not to voice them.

    I fail to see why he has to stay over there so regularly. She's out at darts tuesday nights so he goes to be there for both kids if they need anything, tho they are 16 and 12, so hardly nippers that are dependant now. But why stay over? They've been left to fend for themselves several times when she goes out of a saturday night and he's working night shift.

    I do know of two attempts by her to have a relationship with someone else and he stuck his big size 10s in on both occasions, which drove me nuts. There was something wrong each time whereby he seemed to give her a hard time and start threatening to take the kids if they "interfered with her life too much". I know that was sour grapes, I told him to stop it, I've even discussed this situation with the ex wife. I told her that as long as I was around I'd be working hard to stop him chewing her and help her to get her life back, even if he and I didn't stay together, she balked at the thought I'd not be around. She was nearly in tears with that, high fived me and said "we're gonna be good friends Gill".

    I'll give him chance to talk, no problem. I've asked for him to, the least I can do is allow it. And I'm no sucker for bull sh*t either, I can smell that a mile off. I've spent plenty of time on my own in the past, the thought of being on my own again doesn't make me turn into a quivering wreck, I'm too independent for my own good sometimes. If the general opinion is I'm being fair in what I'm asking, I'll stick to my guns whilst listening to his point of view.
     
  10. DaisytheTT

    DaisytheTT PetForums Senior

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    I agree with Hawsport. I do think he cares for you but the bit that troubles me is, he said he still loved her. The fact that it wasn't his decision to end the marriage, she asked him to leave, means to me, he is still in love with her which is a massive pull and then the fact he has children with her adds to that pull.

    I think you do need to have a big discussion about this with him and lay all your cards on the table and expect him to do the same.
     
  11. harley bear

    harley bear PetForums VIP

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    Hun, you dont deserve to be picked up when he wants you and dropped like a hot spud when he cant be arsed! You are worth much more than that!
    I would be having words with him and if you feel you are a time filler why he builds bridges with his ex then kick him in to touch and get rid.
    After being in bad relationships before he should be treating you like gold not something he brought in on his shoe!
     
  12. Amethyst

    Amethyst PetForums VIP

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    You don't need the "general opinion" surely you realise that you are being perfectly reasonable, while he, by your account is not!

    What you have explained is not what a good, healthy and loving relationship consists of, far from it, it sounds quite "toxic" and destructive :(

    The only one sitting in clover is the guy living with you ... Sounds like he and his wife deserve each other and are still involved in some strange, dare I say perverse relationship/marriage :frown2:
     
  13. Gilly and Jess

    Gilly and Jess PetForums Senior

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    Thanks! I'll do just that today.

    He didn't move in with me straight away to be honest, he was living in digs with the mutual friend when I met him, he was there for quite some time. But then the owner of that rented house asked them both to leave because he had to sell it, so he stayed at mine for a few weeks til his own became available again and he just seemed to never move out.

    He is a strong minded bloke, and I know that if she had said she wanted him he'd have gone by now. Altho she said at first that she did want him (when I came on the scene!) I think she realised it was a knee jerk reaction. She admitted as much to me, she said she was surprised by how she felt when he told her he was seeing me but that she soon got over it and she could see I make him happy.

    Pity I don't feel that from him isn't it? He's a good bloke, don't get me wrong, he has many a good point, his mother brought him up well, it's just this emotional thing with him. He complained the ex wife never talked about her feelings so that they could sort things out, well he ain't doing such a crash hot job of that himself now is he? :confused: The ex said that to me last night when I talked to her about it.

    I just wanted unbiased opinions on whether I'm being reasonable or not. Thanks folks! :smile:
     
  14. Amethyst

    Amethyst PetForums VIP

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    Good luck and look after yourself, you deserve the best :)
     
  15. Gilly and Jess

    Gilly and Jess PetForums Senior

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    That's so true. Thanks for that. My best mate (who's male!) said that too, he's got the best of both worlds here.

    and what's really annoyed me this week is that he's not broken his neck to prove me wrong in what I feel. I'd have thought that if he wanted me to think other wise he'd have killed himself to get here and say so. When the ex wife had an "attention seeking" episode after her 40th birthday he went scuttling down there to see if she would talk to him so he could find out what was wrong. No such treatment for me, and that speaks volumes to me. I think I know I'm right to do what I'm doing, I just wanted others to tell me I am. I'm a bit funny like that.......I want to know I'm right before I go wading in with the hob nailed boots on!

    Hawksport - HA! I'll bear that in mind! :)
     
    #15 Gilly and Jess, Mar 31, 2011
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2011
  16. Jenny1966

    Jenny1966 PetForums VIP

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    I think you know in your heart that it's time to move on.

    My honest opinion is, as others have said, he is waiting for his ex to have him back, and I think he would go like a shot if she gave him the green light. You are worth far more than that! He probably cares for you in his own way, but is that enough for you?

    Believe me there is someone out there who will love you like you are the only person alive, I was older than you when I found mine :)

    Good luck with everything xx
     
  17. Waterlily

    Waterlily Amused

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    your second best, if that, and you deserve better. He wants her not you, I would get out if I was you.
     
  18. 2lisa2

    2lisa2 PetForums VIP

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    aww good luck hun but i think you know in your heart what you have got to do :)
     
  19. Gilly and Jess

    Gilly and Jess PetForums Senior

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    Well it'll sure be interesting to see what he has to say for himself. I don't know what time he'll finish work today so I'm playing the waiting game. I told him I'd be here, and I will be. Ready and waiting...........bring it on!
     
  20. Gilly and Jess

    Gilly and Jess PetForums Senior

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    And I know that his excuse for lack of communication will be "It's better to say nothing then I cant say the wrong thing, you were pished off, I kept out the way".

    I've rarely lost my blob with him in the last 18 months, he knows I mean business. Perhaps its because he realises I'm finally waking up.....;)
     
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