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not very happy...having a rant!

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by ballybee, Mar 31, 2011.


  1. ballybee

    ballybee PetForums VIP

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    Oh where to begin....i'm not so much angry as extremely hurt and fed up. I live with my OH and his parents and 4 brothers, 1 older 3 younger. It's been like this for over a year now and i'm desperate to move out. Due to finances it's not currently something i can do but hopefully i have my student bursary sorted out and as a result with the OH's wages we could possibly move out.

    The problem is my OH. Some days he's agreeing and saying we should move out then within a day he'll come back up with some reason for not moving out....this time it's the car costs too much (roughly £450 a month for payments, insurance and petrol) and theres no way we could support ourselves....i've worked out on my bursary and his wages we could afford to rent a place for upto £390 a month(thats how much we'd had left from bills, food, dogs and car) and theres places that are rented out for that much but then the OH comes up with "i don't want to leave my family", but then a few days later the whole cycle comes up again.

    Now one of the reasons this happens is because the OH's parents are alcoholics and keep taking as much money of the OH as possible for their beer. He feels if he left then his brothers would suffer as his parents would still spend the same amount on beer every day(roughly £25-30 a day), at least i think he feels like that...i'm not allowed to speak to him about any problems within his family as its not my business. His parents also runs up phone bills well into the hundreds a month and expect OH to pay them(sky goes through his account coz the parents owe them money from a different address) which he can't afford, they never have any food or essential items in and still expect us to be able to pay them rent(£75 a month each).

    Both his parents are on jobseekers, his dad gets money for being mentally ill(he gets depressed due to no money....stop drinking!) his parents get disability money for his youngest brother and in total they recieve about £1500 a month...the rent on the house is £500...yet they're always skint and pressuring OH for money, they used to do this to his older sister until she snapped and told them where to go. They make no effort to find any kind of job which makes me angry as i don't qualify for jobseekers(even before being a student i couldn't) and yet i'm always looking for jobs and they constantly fight when drunk, usually with my OH or one of his brothers(ages 20,17,14 and 11) about stupid little things. They make out they don't have any problems and the whole worlds against them and it drives me mental!!!!!

    Sorry....just really needed a rant as i'm sick and tired of living here!
     
  2. candysmum

    candysmum PetForums VIP

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    if they feel they haven't got a problem then thats the forst hurdle they have to see that they do have a problem until then there isn't much you can do. Move out on your own if you need too.

    I wouldn't live like that myself after so long i would up sticks and walk and let OH know he can come over ot yours anytime etc etc
     
  3. ballybee

    ballybee PetForums VIP

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    I know, i grew up with a very aggressive alcoholic uncle and he never admitted he had a problem. The thing is when they're pretty drunk they do recognise it....or at least they claim they do! His dads actually been in a mental hospital...he lasted 2 weeks alcohol free once he was out :mad: and refuses to go back in.

    Believe me i'm seriously considering moving out on my own, i'd move back to my parents if i thought for one second i could handle living with them again!!!

    If i coud find a job somewhere local i'd literally begin the moving process as soon as the first paycheck came through, unfortunately every job i've applied for is either too far away to be viable without OH and his car or have rejected me :( my lucks seriously awful this year
     
  4. xxwelshcrazyxx

    xxwelshcrazyxx PetForums VIP

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    Your OH needs to start thinking about you and him NOT his parents and their drinking, he cant be responsible for his brothers as much as he loves them and dont want any harm to come to them, but he cant keep living like this it is NOT fair on him or you. You will probably find you can afford a place as he wont have to pay for his parents bills etc, not that he should be paying them anyway with the amount of money they have coming into the house. They ran the bills up then they should pay for them. Cant you not find a house close to his parents but not to close that you are on top of each other, if you are too close then he will be popping in and out there all the time checking all the time and prob bailing them out with bills again. I think you two need to have a nice romantic meal out and then sometime during the night try to bring it up in conversation with out a heated argument (if you can). tell him how much you love him and you understand how much his family means to him, but he have to now think about your future together, The longer he is still living at home the harder it will be for him to leave. I dont know what else to suggest to you but I hope it works out soon. xxxxxx
     
  5. ballybee

    ballybee PetForums VIP

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    Thanks welshcrazy, i feel a bit like that as well but don't know how to bring it up without sounding selfish :( Theres a house on the farmfor £400 a month could probably get it lower seeing as the farmer knows us but i'm also worried he'll still bail them out! We can't afford to go out at the moment until Oh is working full time and my bursary is sorted. the thing is we lived away from both our families for almost 2 years so we can do it!!! but it was him missing his family and huge problems finding work that took us back to them!!!
     
  6. xxwelshcrazyxx

    xxwelshcrazyxx PetForums VIP

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    Sounds like a hard one there, what about a nice home cooked romantic meal to set the mood,???? This sounds like it could be a long term burden to you both and wont go away, so need to sort something out soon, you cant go on living like this it is not fair on you. Maybe? if he knows you will both have bills of your own to pay when you do move, then he may think a bit differen it and curb it abit knowing you wont be able to afford to help them out aswell and the upkeep on your own place. (easier said than done by the sounds of it though). You need to get him on his own and in a good mood so you can sit down and talk, if you can? I hope you find a solution soon, other wise I would suggest you move into your own place, he will soon see you are settled and coping and prob want to come and move in with you, you never know. But you defo cant go on like this. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  7. ballybee

    ballybee PetForums VIP

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    Lol forgot another thing....his dad refuses to let anyone else cook or clean then moans that he's the only one who does it(shame really as both me, OH and his older brother can all cook and bake to a good level(OH is a butcher, his brother is a trainee chef and i have the blood). So not unless his family left for the night. He says we can't move out as we won't have much money after paying all expenses which is very true but if i had my own place i really wouldn't care!!! He knows i'm not happy and i would say he knows why as i was the one who brought up the topic seeing as this wasn't meant to be a long term plan but he just doesn't want to move out, why would he when he gets his food cooked for him, i clean our room and look after Tummel and he can go out shooting whenever he feels like it, i'm not going to lie it feels to me like he's being selfish...i think he feels that as long as he's happy then so should i be. He said to me last week i shouldn't be down as i had a roof over my head...i want my own roof! This is what i've worked out roughly. We would have £1280 a month between us.

    Car payments - 90
    Insurance - 150
    Petrol - 250

    Bills - 150
    Dog(this is for when we have 2) - 50
    food - 250

    which leaves 340 for rent...but to be realistic we won't need 250 for food and for tummel at the moment it's 23 a month, plus bills won't always be 150, petrol won't always be 250 etc so we would have money spare but he won't listen.

    I posted on a different thread about how Tummel means i have to get up when i'm feeling down...this is the reason i feel so unhappy but OH doesn't seem to acknowledge it.
     
    #7 ballybee, Mar 31, 2011
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2011
  8. xxwelshcrazyxx

    xxwelshcrazyxx PetForums VIP

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    He have got it too easy, everything done for him so why would he want to leave, its a cheap way to live, BUT he is not thinking about you and what you want in life and how you want your relationship to go. Sounds like he will never want to leave and is now in a lovely routine FOR HIM. If you had your own place and paid all your bills, etc etc..........if you dont have MUCH left over then it is better than having NOTHING left over. Money helps and pays the bills etc, but it isnt everything, he must realise he have a job, you have yours, you will have a house and be together, as long as you have that then you dont need loads of money left over. If you know what I mean.
    If he wont budge and you still feel you arent getting anywere and he wont meet you half way, then move into your own little place hun, he wont have your money there to help them out then so he defo wont have much left over. xxxxxxxxxx
     
  9. ballybee

    ballybee PetForums VIP

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    I think moving out by myself is the only option, i just have to find a job(not easy at the moment).

    I know he's got it made but i also know he knows i'm not happy...but i have no idea how to tell him why and make it sound non accusatory and selfish. Theres plenty of places for under £400 a month but they're all in places neither of us would like to live, quite frankly as long as we can afford a car and a place to live i would be happy, he says he wants to have money left over so we can do things together....he won't do anything with me now i can't even get him to come with me to walk the dog! I had to tell him straight on Sunday as he was moaning about taking me to my parents for dinner, i pointed out he sees his everyday so why is it too much for me to see mine for a few hours every week. I asked if he wanted to go camping as i have 2.5 weeks holiday coming up and he said no, my dad gave us a full camping set but OH doesn't want to go "in case it's cold"....you'd think i was the man i this relationship!!!

    Even when we lived away from our families his dad used to come up every couple of weeks and ask for money...he must owe OH over £3000 just since we moved in last March and OH knows he'll never see that money again...yet still gives him more :mad:

    Basically my options are to either stay here and go mad/sink into depression
    -convince OH to move out somewhere cheap
    -get a job and move out myself
    -get a job and convince OH to move somewhere nearby but slightly pricey so we don't have money to share
     
  10. DaisytheTT

    DaisytheTT PetForums Senior

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    What do you mean you are not allowed to speak to him about any problems with his family as it is not your business? Of course it is your business, you currently live with them! and it is affecting your relationship. How would your OH like it if he needed to talk to you about his family situation and you took the stance, "I'm not listening, they're not my family - non of my business" I think he would soon think you an uncaring and insensitive partner! I understand your OH feeling responsible for his brothers but he also has to think of you and your future together. His parents are alcoholics, until they themselves realise the situation they are in and hold their hands up and say "this is my fault I am an alcoholic and I need to get help" they are going to continually rely on your OH for handouts. I know it's hard but you really do need to have a frank converstion with your OH.
     
  11. vickie1985

    vickie1985 PetForums VIP

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    sounds like hes worried about his brothers more than anything, but most likely wont admit that.

    sell the car! £450 is a lot a month! he could get something a lot cheaper!

    i fully understand your rant, hes putting your needs last but he is probably not even thinking about that. lay down the law and say you NEED to talk to him or your going to have more problems than his alcoholic parents :(
     
  12. xxsarahpopsxx

    xxsarahpopsxx PetForums VIP

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    this may sound daft, but worth an idea.

    His predominant worry is his brothers. would you mind them staying at yours and them chipping in with rent if possible. that really would give his parents a kick up the backside as then they would have no money whatsoever coming in, plus your oh would still be with his family technically.

    Failing that, how about writing him a letter stating how you feel. or even show him this thread. it may make him think seriously and realise how close he is coming to pushing you so far away that he is going to lose you.

    Failing that. move out on your own, even if it means being further away from him so that you can get a job. He would then realise how much support you give him and how much he needs you. He needs to stop being so selfish. I would be mean and stop cleaning up for him, doing anything for him or his family because seemingly its his business, not yours. :)
     
  13. Patterdale_lover

    Patterdale_lover PetForums VIP

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    I thought your OH left you? :confused:
     
  14. Bandy

    Bandy Banned

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    Jeez. I'm sorry to hear you're in that situation.
    I can empathize with the trials and tribulations of living with alcoholics...you never know what will set them off or when the next rant will come.
    Sit your OH down. Tell him you're at wits end and you need to have your own place.

    The sad part is if it escalates to the point where you and he are coming to odds with one another.

    Communication is the key. Lack of it, or being told its none of you business isn't helping any.

    Being made felt like you aren't part of any solution that involves the both of you is just something that eats at a person.
     
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