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Not sure who to believe (it's a long one but I need advice)

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by RabbitMonster, Nov 18, 2012.


  1. RabbitMonster

    RabbitMonster Banned

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    So very long story short, I haven't seen my dad since I was 9 when I told him I hated him.

    My parents don't get along at all, but growing up I was always told it was my choice whether or not to see him.

    A few years ago, I got in contact with my sister and the past got dragged up again. She told me with absolute clarity that both her, my brother and my dad had sent me birthday cards, letters and presents every year. I've never received any gift off them, but I do remember getting 2 cards for I think it was my 12th birthday. We didn't know who they were off until I opened them, and then my Mom realised the envelopes were written by my brother and sister's mother (we're half-siblings).

    After the argument, me and my sister didn't talk, we blocked each other on Facebook, MSN, etc. During the summer I spoke to my cousin who's very close to my sister and she said my sister needed me, she was going through a really bad time as her best friend had died recently. I was unsure, but added her on Facebook.

    Tonight we Skyped and of course the past came up again. This time I was able to read her body language when she told me about the letters, cards and presents, and it was clear she was telling the truth. I asked to speak to my dad and he seemed genuinely pleased to see me. It was a tough conversation and has left me rather emotional and confused.

    What's puzzling me the most are the letters, cards and presents. Why have I never received them, bar those 2 cards? I know one of my parents is lying, I just don't know who. I have no proof my mom hid them, in the same way I have no proof my dad sent them. Add into the mix that my dad didn't fight to see me when I was younger and I'm really stumped.

    I know it's not much info to go on, it would take forever to type out all the ins and outs, but what do you lot think? Is someone lying to me or has there been a genuine mistake?
     
  2. Sussexplumber

    Sussexplumber Banned

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    I can guess! But Ill let someone else go first!
     
  3. dorrit

    dorrit PetForums VIP

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    Let this be a lesson to anyone getting divorced... Never use your children as pawns. It will come back and bite you....


    I think you know who is lying esp after the two cards that slipped through...


    Now its you who will have to decide if you can let go of the conditioning you have had and accept your family.

    You will need to accept that each side has their reasons for what they did or didnt do.. But to move forward you have to accept you cant change the past.

    What happens next is largely up to you.
     
  4. rona

    rona Still missing my boys

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    This will tear you apart.

    Both your parents seem to love you, your sister and brother too.

    Whoever it was who made the mistake, it probably regretting it terribly and knows what they have done.

    Have you told your mother you now have contact with your father and if so, what was her reaction?

    They didn't necessarily use you as a pawn but may have felt to break contact was the best for you.

    Can I ask what caused you to tell your dad you hated him at 9 years old?
     
  5. CavalierOwner

    CavalierOwner PetForums VIP

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    I think you know which parent has been lying but probably don't want to believe it because I wouldn't either! To me, it's obvious.

    I didn't see my dad or his family at all for a decade when I was a kid, mum and dad split up, we moved and it all went tits up basically and we lost contact. I managed to find them myself as a teen and now we all have a great relationship! I see my family often and me and my auntie text almost everyday! I didn't hold any grudges, the past is the past, I don't blame my parents because they were only teens when I was born, it's just nice having a whole family again. :D
     
  6. Lavenderb

    Lavenderb PetForums VIP

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    This will be hard RM but in order to move on you need to let the past go. You can't change what happened. My ex used my 3 older children against me at every chance he has had, but one day they will realise the truth. You know why you didn't get the cards its obvious but maybe that person was trying to do the right thing or maybe it was a silly game, but you don't have to be drawn into it anymore. Free your mind of the manipulative games of other s and live your own life.
     
  7. Chillicat

    Chillicat PetForums VIP

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    I agree with what everyone has said. Don't let the past get in the way of the future.
    You are very lucky to be able to get the second chance with your family.
    I no longer have that chance. My Dad left when I was 10 & I last spoke to him on my 18th Birthday then 15 years later my oldest brother let us know that my Dad has terminal cancer & it was up to me & my other brother if we wanted to see him. I agonized for days about the decision & ended up deciding to not go & see him, it was a very hard decision & he died 11 days after I first found out I was a mess for the first 3 months tortured by wondering if I had made the right decision & finally came to the conclusion that for me it was right it may not be for others though, my brother no longer speaks to us. :(
     
    #7 Chillicat, Nov 18, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2012
  8. ginge2804

    ginge2804 PetForums VIP

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    I agree with everyone else..

    Its obvious to me who is to blame for the cards etc.. But im sure they had there reasons.
    Don't let your past get in the way of your future :)
     
  9. Rolacolacube

    Rolacolacube Owned by 4 cats :)

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    I agree with everyone else. I think it is clear who isn't telling the truth but they will have had their reasons for it. Try and start a fresh with your Dad, brother and sister and leave the past in the past. Life's too short so enjoy your new relationships with your family xx
     
  10. SandyR

    SandyR PetForums Senior

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    Being lied to by someone you love is extreamly hard. In my experience when it's one persons word against the other they never give in and tell you the truth.

    You need to take the positives from this situation that your dad and siblings did and do care about you and you were never forgotten. Your mum would of had her reasons even if they were selfish ones. Your mum loves you so much she was scared maybe of losing you and pressing her for the truth will probably not get you anywhere.

    Your an adult now and it's your choice who you have a relationship with. Judge for yourself if your dads a good guy and let the past go.
     
  11. MoggyBaby

    MoggyBaby PetForums VIP

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    Something obviously occured when you were 9yrs old that caused you to tell your dad you hated him. It is possible that you may not even be able to remember what it was. The outcome could have been however, that you told your mum you never wanted to speak, see or hear from him again and this resulted in her withholding his cards & gifts to you. Whether she was right or wrong to do so is something only you and she can decide on after you have spoken. If she has taken this decision to protect you, then it would be unfair to hold it against her.

    Now that you are an adult, you can make your own choices. You have spoken to your dad and it would appear that it was not an unpleasant experience. You can now choose how far you want this relationship to develop.

    The next time you speak to your mum tell her you are now in contact with your dad. HOWEVER....... I would not bring up the subject of the gifts with her until you come home for Christmas and you can do it face to face. As you have already seen with your sister, you can read a lot from body language and it is not a discussion for over the phone. I would be very surprised if your mum has not got all the gifts & cards stashed away, ready to give to you when she felt the time was right. Maybe she has been waiting for a right time but it never came along..... I would suggest also that you try to plan what you say beforehand. Try not to sound as though you are accusing your mum as this will make her defensive and angry. When all is said and done, she was only ever looking out for you and trying to love you the best that she could.

    My mum and dad divorced when I was 5 and I grew up with my mum sullying his name at almost every opportunity. That didn't stop her dragging me off to see him, however, when I had been naughty and needed spanking! :rolleyes: As I grew older, I developed my own relationship with him and we get on well now. Geography means I haven't actually seen him, unfortunately, for over 20+ years.

    The irony is that I now no longer talk to my mum but do with my dad. :eek:

    I hope that helps a bit.

    ETA: Just re-read your post and saw the bit about your dad not fighting to see you - how do you know? You were only 9yrs old. Adults and parents hide a lot from their kids and there is no way you could know what was said between your parents. Maybe whatever caused you to tell him you hated him upset you so much that your mum said she would rather there was no contact and your dad agreed because he didn't want to see you sad and upset. After all, he obviously cared enough to send you gifts and cards. The fact you didn't receive them was outside of his control. Don't risk your new relationship with him by dwelling on this point. Accept that it all happened 12yrs ago, time has passed. You are no longer a child but an adult and now your are ready to make a NEW start with your dad.
     
    #11 MoggyBaby, Nov 18, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2012
    Luz and Firedog like this.
  12. RabbitMonster

    RabbitMonster Banned

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    Thanks for all your replies guys, great advice as always.

    I think I will continue to talk to my dad and see how it goes. I can't say at this stage what will happen, whether I'll be comfortable with letting him back into my life but I'll give him a chance.

    As a test to see how genuine they all are, I've given my sister my uni address (therefore away from my mom) and have asked her and my dad to send me a letter. I've asked my dad to write in his letter his side of what happened when I was little, why he didn't get to see me, etc.

    The reason I told him to leave me alone when I was 9 is because he kept messing me around - he would say he was gonna ring and then he didn't, and then he wouldn't contact me for months on end and then would suddenly pop up. It wasn't consistent and it was messing up my head, I wasn't able to concentrate at school, I had abandonment issues (still do really) and it just wasn't a happy time for me.

    I'm unsure about telling my mom. She will go mental. I asked her about the letters a couple of years ago when everything kicked off and she flat out denied it. If she has taken, I don't think she'll ever admit to it, she can never admit when she's wrong. Me and mom also don't have a great relationship, and haven't since I was about 14.

    I'm unsure how to move forward with this now. I think I'll wait and see how my dad explains himself, see what I can piece together from what everyone's told me and what I remember. It's just that now I'm second-guessing myself, trying to look at my memories from an adult perspective to see if there was anything that I missed as a child that I wouldn't miss as an adult.

    It's quite hard to deal with the fact that everything you grew up thinking was a lie. Whoever it was, someone in my immediate family has been lying to me for over a decade, and that's hard to get my head around.
     
    #12 RabbitMonster, Nov 18, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2012
  13. DoodlesRule

    DoodlesRule PetForums VIP

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    I appreciate it is difficult but you will find life much easier if you forget about the past, recriminations on who was to blame for what and start afresh with your Dad. You can't bring back the relationship you should have had as a child but you can have a new one with you as an adult

    People generally are flawed, parents are unfortunately no different and make wrong decisions you can't change what happened but you can make your own decisions now.

    Good luck
     
    Luz likes this.
  14. RabbitMonster

    RabbitMonster Banned

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    So is the general consensus to forget about the letters? I do understand what you're all saying, but my issue is the lying. If someone's being lying to me for so long, how can I trust them?
     
  15. Lavenderb

    Lavenderb PetForums VIP

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    You will learn much more about your family as you grow older hun , trust me.;)
     
  16. RabbitMonster

    RabbitMonster Banned

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    I've learnt enough as it is, I don't want to know any more. They're all liars and they're all effed up.
     
  17. DoodlesRule

    DoodlesRule PetForums VIP

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    Personally thats what I would do yes forget about them - no good will come of dwelling on it and it could result in falling out with another parent. Start afresh.

    My son has had little regular contact with his dad - he always had birthday and christmas cards/presents though but his father just never bothered seeing him. Now that he is an adult I think he just views him as a relative he's never seen much of
     
  18. MoggyBaby

    MoggyBaby PetForums VIP

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    Many parents will lie to protect their children from what they think will hurt them. You say you asked your mum about the letters etc after speaking to your sister a few years back. I will hazard a guess that you were upset and emotional at the time and your mum felt it would be the better option not to admit to them at that time.

    Maybe a softer and more considered approach, making it clear that no blame is being laid on her, will get a different result.

    I can't see why your father would lie to you when he is so keen to re-establish your relationship. He knows that if you found out he was, he would lose you forever.

    Do you still have a gran on your mothers side who you could talk to and who can fill in some of the information for you?
     
  19. MoggyBaby

    MoggyBaby PetForums VIP

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    RM - When you find out after 36 yrs that your mother put you in a childrens home because her boyfriend didn't want you around but let you grow up thinking that YOU had been the problem because it made her look better - then you have good reason to feel you have been lied to!!! :mad:

    Right now, you have a dad who wants to be your Dad. You're old enough now to be able to tell if he lies to you again so decide if you are prepared to give him the chance without recrimination.
     
  20. 912142

    912142 PetForums VIP

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    I think you need to draw a line under the past and start afresh and just be grateful that you still have a mother and father on this side.

    If you get yourself involved in who said this and who did that you will regret it big time. Give them the benefit of the doubt and start off on the footing you wish to continue on.
     
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