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Not being invited - opinions please :)

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by la468, Sep 21, 2013.


  1. la468

    la468 Guest

    A family member of mine is getting married in 2 weeks. It's apparently quite a big "do" and pretty much all my family are going. I've heard all her friends are attending too. The only thing is, me nor OH have been invited (to either the ceremony or the evening reception) :eek: Now I understand that I don't have a right to be invited, however me and her are really close (well, I would say we are more like close mates than family members lol) and I have been there for her throughout some rubbish times in her life, we're the same age and have grown up together, went to the same school, were in the same class etc.

    I just feel really confused and quite hurt that she hasn't even invited me to her big day. :eek: Her hen night was last night and I sent her a message and a congratulations card wishing her a lovely time & a lovely wedding day but had no response.

    I haven't done or said anything to upset her. She called me about a week ago to just chat and we spoke a little about the wedding and she was telling me about her dress but she just seems quiet with me now.

    As I said earlier, I didn't sit around thinking I had a "right" to be invited, but it would have been nice to celebrate the big day with her and her new husband.

    Thoughts please? Am I being dramatic?
     
    #1 la468, Sep 21, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 21, 2013
  2. redroses2106

    redroses2106 PetForums VIP

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    I don't think you are over reacting at all, I would be really upset, are you sure you weren't invited? could your invite of been lost in the post? it really makes no sense that she would invite all her friends and family and leave you out when you haven't had a fall out, have you asked her why you haven't been invited? I would probably ask if I was in your situation tbh, at least then you don't need to sit about wondering why.
     
  3. rose

    rose PetForums VIP

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    I would be hurt and angry as well. She was bridesmaid to you as well? Have you not had a fall out at all? were you friendly when she first got engaged and started plannng, surely if you were that close you would have discussed aspects about the wedding, who were bridesmaids, venue etc and you would have known then if you were likely to be included. You cannot be as close as you were at your wedding. You need to ask her, or her close relatives and see if they know why.
     
  4. la468

    la468 Guest

    Thanks for the replies. :)

    Well I moved away so yes I admit we're not as close anymore because we don't live in the same town however we kept up with keeping in touch.

    From what I know she kept most of the planning of the wedding between her and her sister and mum, when I say it's a big do I don't mean massive, probably about 80 people? I don't know exact figures obviously.

    I am not the only one who's not been invited, 2/3 cousins on my side of the family haven't been either.. I wonder whether it's do with the cost of the wedding or what. I heard they had had issues with the cost of everything but I didn't want to ask her as I feel it's not my place to.

    We definitely haven't fallen out.
     
  5. DoodlesRule

    DoodlesRule PetForums VIP

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    Fully understand your hurt but as you say its probably cost - it would saved any upset if she had explained but probably embarrassed? Maybe write a letter wishing her all the best and understand she can't invite everyone but ask her to reassure you that you haven't done anything wrong - or words to that effect
     
  6. rose

    rose PetForums VIP

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    Weddings are expensive and numbers have to be kept to. I should know, 3 of my children got married in 2011, 2012 and 2013!! If the size meant not everyone could be invited, surely you should have had an explanation as to why you werent included? If she was bridesmaid at your wedding I would have thought you should at least have had an evening invite. Youre never going to know unless you ask.........you havent much to lose.
     
  7. la468

    la468 Guest

    I think I will do this actually, never thought about writing a letter. Thank you. :)
     
  8. Valanita

    Valanita PetForums VIP

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    Yes, ask her why you haven't been invited. You said you are still speaking to each other. So I'd ring her say you hope she has a lovely day, but you wonder why no invite. That's what I'd do in your shoes.
     
  9. DoodlesRule

    DoodlesRule PetForums VIP

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    Glad to have helped :D I just think a letter is less in your face than a phone call, gives her time to think whereas a phone call puts her a bit on the spot.

    I come from a huge family so when I got married just invited close family (brothers, sisters, grandparents and parents obviously) in the day, others to the evening. But I did explain why and any relatives I didn't see or would not even recognise if I passed them in the street didn't invite at all!
     
  10. Summersky

    Summersky PetForums VIP

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    I expect it's a cost thing. But she should have explained.

    You could phone for a chat, and try asking if she has a present list. Keep chatting. See if she says anything.

    Or drop her a line, wishing her the best. Say you hope she keeps in touch, wish her a fantastic day, and say that you'd love to have been there to see her off, and hope you haven't offended her in any way.

    TBH, numbers are often restricted on the big day, for financial reasons, but not sure why you weren't invited to hen do. Do you not get on with anyone in her friend group?
     
  11. Firedog

    Firedog PetForums VIP

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    I know things are meant to be done properly but do you think that you are such a mate to her that you wouldn't need to be invited, it would be a for gone conclusion you would be coming.

    I agree with what Redroses has said. Maybe something has gone astray and a misunderstanding is in process when it needn't be. You really need to ask.
     
  12. Waterlily

    Waterlily Amused

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    You've a right to feel hurt and offended by this, some friend she is aye.
     
  13. lymorelynn

    lymorelynn UN Peacekeeper in training
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    I totally understand if your friend needs to keep the costs down but I think she could have said something - sorry, we couldn't include you because of finances or have to keep numbers down because of the size of the venue - something along those lines. I would be disappointed as you obviously are.
     
  14. piggybaker

    piggybaker PetForums VIP

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    I should just let it go and be a good friend and send a card and a prezzie, just put it down to experience and don't let it gnaw at you.
    It could be cost, it could be something else, if she doesn't speak to you,you will never know. let it go and enjoy your life.. don't let it fester or when she comes back all bouncy and not thinking about what shes done you will have lost a friend.
     
  15. rose

    rose PetForums VIP

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    I agree about letting it go, but is she a real friend??
     
  16. chichi

    chichi Banned

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    I would have been upset too but would have tackled it straight away. Not in an aggressive way but just a polite question, to ask if there was any problem between you that you were unaware of.

    I guess it is down to finances. I wasn't able to have all my cousins at my wedding (literally would have been hundreds of people - huge family) but we all understand and know that it's impossible to invite everybody unless we were to hire a huge function hall - which is not always possible.

    Sometimes in families it is difficult, so blanket rules (as in "no cousins" "no Aunties" etc) have to be applied, as to pick out one or two can cause serious upset.

    Have a friendly chat with her. I am sure it will all make sense. Families can be a pain sometimes:crazy:
     
  17. fierceabby

    fierceabby PetForums VIP

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    I 'didn't invite' a few people to my wedding as they were always going to come - there was an assumption.... I think you need to broach the subject in some way just to double check! Good luck.
     
  18. cinnamontoast

    cinnamontoast Sois pas chiant, chéri.

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    I think if there is no formal invite through the post, I'd assume I wasn't invited. All the weddings I've ever been to have issued proper invitations, even my brother's.

    I'm surprised you've not had an invite to the evening at least if you're good mates. Defo talk to her or you risk becoming cool with each other.
     
  19. sskmick

    sskmick PetForums VIP

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    Our family used to have large weddings, then around the 70s cousins were no longer invited, which seemed to be a trend at that time. Personally I think it was because by this time they too were married with children.

    Don't worry you might get an invite to her next one - oh suits you sir. :D

    Seriously because you have moved away and not "as close" it really could be just an oversight. It could be that your invite got lost in the post. However I would also accept that it could be, whilst they have invited a lot of people they had to draw a line somewhere and its unfortunate you were the wrong side of the line.

    If its a church wedding I would go to the church ceremony. If it were me I would get them a card and a wedding gift wishing them all the best and hand it to them either on the day or a few days previous.
     
  20. Lilylass

    Lilylass PetForums VIP

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    I'd agree with the above - one of my friends got married a few weeks ago.

    We were really, really close for many years until around 6-7 years ago when I moved away.

    We kept in touch, visited etc but it's obviously not the same as being on the doorstep and seeing each other constantly.

    I was invited to the hen do (which I went to even though it's a fair distance to travel) and the evening do (which I didn't as it was only a week later and I'm afraid too long / costly to go 2 weeks running - if there had been a longer gap, I would've gone)

    I was happy with that .... TBH I was surprised to be invited to the evening do BUT if I hadn't been invited to the hen night, I'd have been seriously p'd off!
     
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