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New Kitten seems to like me more than Girlfriend, she's a little sad.

Discussion in 'Cat Chat' started by mrlemonds, Apr 15, 2019.


  1. mrlemonds

    mrlemonds PetForums Junior

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    Recently my GF got a cat. I already have a cat and he has lived with other cats his whole life. I moved out of an apartment that I had been living in since he was a kitten with two other cats and he has seemed lonely and bored. Me and my GF have been talking about getting a kitten and she decided to get one. She spent a long time finding the right one and then took a week off work to stay home and try and form a bond with it.

    The kitten is really skidish but has started to warm up to her but for some reason has really taken to me. I think a big part of it is the kitten see's how affectionate my own cat is towards me and mimics that, or seeing that makes the kitten more comfortable approaching me if my cat is. Regardless the kitten has really taken to me, will rub up against me, last night I woke up to her asleep next to me. All this stuff that the kitten won't do with my GF. I think part of it is I'm just good at reading animals and their boundaries, my GF likes to pick up and cuddle the kitten when it's pretty obvious that makes her nervous, while I let her approach me or slowing approach her.

    My GF is a little jealous and I feel very bad. She said she was worried the cat will like me more and she doesn't even feel like it's hers. She loves the little kitten don't get me wrong but I honestly see where she's coming from. I don't get it, I will call the cat and she will come but not to my GF. She was pretty sad all week saying that the cat likes me more, which honestly it seems like it does. I work days and she's home all day with the cat and I'm not even home that much, animals just love me and I can't help it and don't know why.

    I don't know what to do, I try to not pay much attention to the kitten and let them bond and just pay attention to my own cat but the kitten keeps approaching me and rubbing against me even if I'm not paying attention. My GF realizes what she is upset about is petty and that she's being a little unreasonable being upset. She hasn't gotten angry or upset at me at all but she's obviously a little sad. I want to make her feel better and I want to stop making her jealous.

    I really don't know what to do here or how to go about making it right. She's not upset at me but I hate seeing her sad. This is a weird situation I know.
     
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  2. NFC slave

    NFC slave PetForums Senior

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    You have already stated what the problem is, gf keeps picking the kitten up whether she wants to be picked up or not. Tell her to stop trying to force the issue and let kitten come to her. Don't try to deter kitten from coming to you, if it genuinely doesn't want to go to your gf and you push him/her away then who has he got to turn to? Its not a contest as to who kitten loves most, given time it will sort itself out
     
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  3. Willow_Warren

    Willow_Warren PetForums Senior

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    Cats will be cats!

    Few years back when I lived with my BF and we had Willow (as little tabby), she preferred him, if given the choice Willow would always choose his lap to sit on! He hardly ever fed her, didn't really do many strokes or cuddles... but that's the ways it was! I only got any attention when he wasn't around... Willow sadly is in kitty heaven now.

    Not wanting the same to happen with Lola I ditched the boyfriend so it's just me and her... (ok... only joking, not really the reason ;)).

    I'm not sure what you can do about it but both show the kitten love and what will be will be.

    H
     
  4. mrlemonds

    mrlemonds PetForums Junior

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    For sure, I'm not ignoring her when she comes up to me but trying to not approach her as much so my GF can. The kitten is bonding really good with my cat though so she has a friend and company. The kitten also slept all curled up under my arm to me last night so she's not getting ignored haha
     
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  5. mrlemonds

    mrlemonds PetForums Junior

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    Yeah that's kind of whats happening here, she's even feeding both of them to try and win the love but they are both attached to me like magnets. Animals love me and I don't know why.
     
  6. Summercat

    Summercat PetForums VIP

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    Maybe have a toy only your girlfriend plays with her. Da Bird or Pursuit wands are great :cool:

    I agree, ask your girlfriend to stop picking her up if she is not keen.
     
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  7. cheekyscrip

    cheekyscrip Pitchfork blaster

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    Cats are cats, Garfield the wretch only really let’s my dd to carry him around like a baby... I can do it rarely and my men not at all.
    We ladies can smooch his tummy... my OH much less and my sons hardly at all.

    Not too happy with it but the Cat rules, as he wishes...
    She can bribe the kitten with treats...
     
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  8. kittih

    kittih PetForums VIP

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    The reason why people who dislike cats tend to attract them is that they exhibit all the behaviours that are polite in cat society. They look away, ignore the cat, generally move slowly and speak quietly and generally try with their body language not to be noticed by the cat or avoid them. In cat language the averted gaze, quiet body language and tone of voice is a polite way of saying i am no threat and i will be nice to you if you are nice to me.

    Conversely in cat society a direct gaze especially if it is intense or prolonged, excitable body language and touching or moving towards the cat are rude and intimidating behaviours and can be percieved as threatening. Cat lovers who dont understand cats will often gaze directly and adoringly at the cat, encourage it over, try and pet or hug it or otherwise engage. Confident cats who understand that some humans are weird this way may put up with the rudeness and even seek out thee humans for a fuss but less confident cats will interpret such actions as a threat and keep away.

    You and your girlfriend are perfectly demonstrating how following or not following cat etiquette has a direct influence on the cats behaviour. Your ignoring actions are saying to the cat. Hi i am no threat and can be trusted to be friendly. Your girfriends actions are being translated as hi. I like to get in your space stare threateningly at you and touch you whenever i can. So of course the cat chooses you and avoids your girlfriend.

    I know your girlfriend isnt intending to send out these messages but she is. The main issue is that primates (humans) and mostother mammals (eg cats) have very different ways of communicating.

    In humans a long gaze with soft eyes shows trust and friendship as do hugs and touches though hard stares and unexpected touches from a stranger can be threatening. With most other mammals an verted gaze or very soft squinty slow blinking eyes or looking from the corner of the eyes is polite and trustworthy and touch is only permitted in certain areas and only by the most trusted people. Hugs at least initially are a definite no no.

    Have your girlfriend watch jackson galaxy on you tube especially the video on how to greet cats.

    She needs to follow your lead and ignore the kitten. Wand toys with long string so that long distance play is possible are great. As is tossing tasty bits of food the kittens way (not directly at it) but otherwise ignoring it.

    If yhe kitten approaches no not stroke hug or touch. If the kitten is curious just stick out two fingers and let the kitten self stroke. Once it is more comfortable with your gf then the places it chooses to allow the fingers to touch are those yiu can start stroking but only for a few seconds. Then stop and extend the finders again. If it wants more then it will self sroke again. If not then it willwander off. The fastest way the kitten will love yiir girlfriend is for her to be as hands off as much as possible yet be the giver of all good things like treats food and wand toy play.
    Before she knows it se will have a lap cat. But let the kitten dictate the pace not her.
     
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  9. Quartermass

    Quartermass PetForums Senior

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    The feeding may make a difference over time. When I was ill and my dad was coming round to feed my cat for me he grew quite affectionate towards him.
     
  10. HappyKitty

    HappyKitty PetForums Member

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    Many cats don't like being picked up. You often have to give them time to get used to you and their new surroundings. This can take time, but gentle play is a great way of interacting. Also, it's my experience that cats are often attracted to the main food provider, so if she gives the kitten some space and is the only food feeder (for now), I'm sure she'll win her over.
     
  11. Amberzum

    Amberzum PetForums Junior

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    I had this with my fiance. We mainly got our second cat so he could have the chance to have a little buddy, as our first cat bonded firmly with me and though she will cuddle up with him if I'm not there, would always choose me. She would also only ever 'chat' to me and stayed mostly silent if I wasn't around.

    Guess who ended up with two little shadows when the new kitten settled in?:rolleyes:

    They both love him, but they favour me. We share the care equally so he does feed, groom, play and scoop litter as much as I do.

    He wants to hold them constantly, play with them like dogs, rub their tummies, then act hurt when they bite. I think what he really wanted was a puppy he never had to walk!

    I have since taught him how to speak cat, and they have been so much more accepting, miaowing for him, sitting on his lap, he even received a precious face bump from our big girl the other week! :D
     
  12. SuboJvR

    SuboJvR Joey’s Mummy

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    The key difference between you seems to be that you interact when the cat wants to, whilst your girlfriend expects the cat to interact when SHE wants to.

    It’s a total mindset shift but this is one of the reasons people think of cats as independently minded I suppose. They’re incredibly social creatures though so that’s not a fair judgement but, the fact is, the cats train US. You sound like you are a little further along in your slave training ;)

    Your GF should try to ease off a bit and let kitty come to her - patience is so so important. The kitten may come to associate her with things he doesn’t want (being picked up, strokes when he doesn’t want them etc) and so would shy away a bit more. Don’t despair, there’s plenty of time to fix it!

    As you have seen already this kitten is friendly and loves human interaction so long as he is instigating it :)

    My brother is the same with his shy rescue cats - he adores them, but he can’t leave them alone! As a result they are the least likely to approach him. Every time I visit (2-6 weeks between trips) I expect them to have forgotten me and that I’ll need to start over but it’s the exact opposite, they’re always pleased to see me because I say hello and then let them come to me, or approach slowly and see if they’re in the mood etc.

    As for my own cat? Joey plays mum off dad, he’s a terror for it! He changes his favourite every week!
     
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  13. cheekyscrip

    cheekyscrip Pitchfork blaster

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    Cats love attention and adoration but same like us in reasonable doses.
    We greet each other with a hug or a kiss but if someone insisted to carry on and on with it we will feel truly uncomfortable.
    Cats like being noticed but respected.
     
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  14. Rufus15

    Rufus15 ~ Orrono Maine Coons ~

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    Fantastic advice in this thread, it's very true that cats like things on their own terms. As a cognitive adult, your gf has to meet the needs of the kitten and not the other way around.
     
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  15. MissMiloKitty

    MissMiloKitty PetForums VIP

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    Cats will be cats and they often choose one human over another and it isn't always the feeder. I often hear that female cats have a preference for male humans.
    It could also be that your girlfriend is paying too much attention to the kitten. A lot of cats don't like being picked up, it makes them feel vulnerable. Cats need to feel in control. Your girlfriend should back off a little, cats often pay more attention to the person who pays them the least attention.
     
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  16. Julie Crowther

    Julie Crowther PetForums Newbie

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    Whatv
     
  17. Julie Crowther

    Julie Crowther PetForums Newbie

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    Well I was going to give advise but kittih has said it all totally agree with her comments! Have had cats together with dogs all my life but can honestly say the advise she has given is the best
     
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