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Need some advice regarding friend

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by la468, Sep 1, 2013.


  1. la468

    la468 Guest

    I'm in a bit of a situation regarding a friend of mine. Basically she lives about 10 miles away (but has a car) and well recently she's been randomly turning up at my house unexpectedly, wanting to come in for a cup of tea/a chat. There's nothing bothering her, she just wants to chat about random stuff and will stay for a good hour (maybe two) or so. I hope I don't sound awful saying this but I really don't like the way she just turns up without even asking if she can come over - it always seems to be at really inconvenient times too, i.e I'm eating or just settling down for the evening.

    I've tried to have a word with her about it but she then text me a day later giving me about 15 minutes notice of her coming over. :eek: I must admit the past couple of times I have hid upstairs and looked out the window incase it's the postman and have purposely not answered the door if it is her but I really don't want to live like that lol! I feel awful for doing so but she's popping over at least 3 or 4 times a week.

    She's not lonely at all and has quite a few friends... so I am guessing she's not lonely and just wants a chat, however I need to say something to her. I just don't know how to put it lol. Am I being horrible for feeling like this??
     
  2. jon bda

    jon bda Guest

    Is she a good friend? You don't think she may have a problem and is trying to pluck up the courage to ask you something?
    :)
     
  3. la468

    la468 Guest

    Yeah she's a good friend, we wouldn't class ourselves as close but we've known each other for a few years. I've recently moved up to near where she is living so I think she just might be too over-excited to be able to have a face to face cup of tea with me instead of a phone call.

    I've asked her if anything is wrong and she assures me she's fine. I'll be totally honest though, I would say I'm not the first person she'd go to if anything was wrong.
     
  4. jon bda

    jon bda Guest

    Can you start calling round to hers every other day then...drop the hint a little...
    :D
     
  5. tinktinktinkerbell

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    No you are not being horrible, I hate people just turning up

    If we hear a knock on the door and we aren't expecting anyone/thing it doesn't get answered
     
  6. chissy 15

    chissy 15 PetForums VIP

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    Maybe she likes the fact that your now nearer to her and she can pop over whenever. I know this is perhaps annoying to you. Have you tried calling in on her without much notice, maybe if you visit her as well she might not come over to yours so much? Another suggestion is arrange a time to meet up together say for a coffee in town and make this a regular thing. Can't think of anything else to suggest without you actually talking to her about it and telling her how you feel as she might not realise she is annoying you with her frequent visits, hope you sort it out with her :)
     
  7. la468

    la468 Guest

    Thanks, yes I hate being confrontational however I think it will end up me explaining how annoying it is getting.
     
  8. la468

    la468 Guest

    Same, I really appreciate it if someone actually asks if they can come over, or at least lets me know in advance. I generally don't answer the door anyway unless it's parcel/postman.
     
  9. lostbear

    lostbear Bear right at Newcastle . . .

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    No - you are not being horrible - you just want some personal 'chill' time and you are entitled to have it, but it's a really awkward situation.

    Firstly - are you sure she isn't lonely or troubled? It may be that something awful is happening in her life that she can't bring herself to mention, but having company helps her not to brood on it, and gives her an escape.

    Secondly - you say she has lots of friends - why does she choose to land on you all the time? (yeah, okay, your looks, charm, personality, biscuits etc might have something to do with it . . .), but seriously, there must be a reason why she comes to you. Have the others told her not to come round as often? Are there fewer others than you think? Is she in an unhappy relationship, and she doesn't want to go home? Is she gay, and attracted to you? Are you the only person who makes her feel welcome?

    Thirdly - do you want to keep her friendship? If you aren't bothered, then it's easy. Just say to her "Look, I really value your friendship, but I need to have time to myself to do things in the house, and just to veg. I am one of those people who needs time on their own. What about we meet/you come round/we alternate between each other's houses once a week or so, and have a coffee and a catch-up?" If you do want to stay friends, say the same but you can 'fluff' it up a bit. She can then decide whether to get in a huff with you, or to fall in with what you suggest.

    If you really don't want to risk losing her as a friend, maybe you can bring the conversation round to personal problems and see if anything emerges that you can help with (in the sense of letting her unload her feelings - DON'T give advice - unless it's to point her to the CAB or the Samaritans who can help her explore her options), and DON'T lend her money (unless you are prepared to give it to her, because you might not get it back).

    Has this just recently started happening? She obviously enjoys your company and is pretty thick-skinned (if anyone had told me not to drop in unannounced, I would have been mortified, not just giving a 15 minute warning!).

    if the worst comes to the worst, you could start fibbing - Oh' I can't tonight I've started macrame classes' but be careful as she might want to come with you. You could be ill (just a couple of times as you can't have a migraine/gastro-enteritis/flu every time. you could not answer the phone or re-mail, and then not answer the door when she arrives. When you next see her and she mentions it say 'Oh - I went to XXXXX I'd had tickets for ages.' Or answer her calls/texts and just say "Sorry, not tonight - very busy/not convenient" Don't give an excuse, because this gives her an opportunity to try to find reasons to come anyway (e.g. 'I'm rolling up all my carpets so I can decorate' "Oh, I'll help you'. And then you'll have to roll up all your carpets.)

    There is no easy answer. I suspect that she really enjoys a natter with you, and thinks that you feel the same way (who knows - maybe she feels sorry for you because you are always in on your own, not realising that you enjoy your own company and go out when and with whom you choose.) It's hard, because you don't want to be unkind or hurt her feelings, but you need to be able to live your life the way that's best for you, and if chilling in front of the TV with a kneeful of dogs/cats/rabbits, a cup of tea and a good book after a day at work is how you relax and re-charge your batteries, then that is what you need and want.

    It's important to protect your own space.

    EDIT - Int he time it took me to compose this "War-and-Peace" of a post there have been several replies that have ansewered some of the questions I asked, or offered similar comments. I apologise for repetition.
     
    #9 lostbear, Sep 1, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2013
  10. la468

    la468 Guest

    Thank you for your post.

    To answer a couple of your questions:

    - She's not gay, she has a fiancé although they don't live together. She lives with flatmates. Her relationship with her fiancé seems fine (they are getting married in a few months and she's really excited about it, her wedding comes up a lot when she's over).

    - The reason she comes to mine is because I'm the closest to her in terms of distance (I think this is the main reason anyway).

    I think I'm going to be honest with her next time she comes around, obviously I won't be abrupt about it, but I'll explain to her I need my own space. I don't live alone so I love to have an hour or so every evening just on my own, so I can watch TV, read a book, without any disruptions.
     
  11. Tanji

    Tanji PetForums Member

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    Are you alone when she randomly comes round?

    Horses for courses of course, but we had a friendship with a husband and wife and that went in a similar direction with them both just turning up, or the female part of the relationship just turning up when I was at work. It sometimes became a bit of a nuisance and we (she who is obeyed) and I talked about it and ways to stop it, we decided in the end to not mention it and moved some 18 months later, we both miss these pals and would love for them to "pop" round again. I feel the person who suggested this lady may well want to open up to you may well be right, but that is obviously judging it from just the posts written.
     
  12. lostbear

    lostbear Bear right at Newcastle . . .

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    I think this is a good idea - personal space is very important - many of us need a bit of down time in our lives; others live to interact and can't bear to be alone - silence is very threatening to them. It sounds like you come into the first category and she is in the second. I'm sure you'll do it well, and minimise the hurt to her. Hope you can develop a friendly relationship that suits you both.
     
  13. witchyone

    witchyone PetForums VIP

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    i had a friend that used to do this sort of thing. If she saw that my back door was open she would just open the gate and walk in, I hated it. Other times she would knock on the door and if I opened it she would just walk in regardless I might be busy. In the end I had to distance myself from her and just not open the door. On one occasion I even resorted to sitting in the dark for fear of her coming over. Its a difficult situation because if you say something to them they will be hurt and you will end up feeling guilty and you shouldn't have to.

    Personally I would never just turn up on someones doorstep uninvited, a call or text first is polite. people have lives and arnt sitting there waiting for a visitor.
     
  14. Summersky

    Summersky PetForums VIP

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    She sounds needy, and I expect that there is something troubling her, or she is lonely? Perhaps she's having second thoughts about her wedding?

    When she pops in the next tme, why not enjoy her company that time - but before she leaves, say you are really busy with X, Y and Z - and arrange the next time you will meet - perhaps at yours, perhaps at hers. That way, you might get meeting up on a more predicitable routine. Then you will still stay friends.
     
  15. cinnamontoast

    cinnamontoast Sois pas chiant, chéri.

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    I like this, then you get to control when you see her. If she doesn't stick to the arrangement and still pops round, then get serious and tell her no.
     
  16. newfiesmum

    newfiesmum Banned

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    My nephew and his wife and kids very often just turn up if they happen to be in the area. I quite like it, but then they are not doing it three or four times a week. Years ago the mother of my daughter's schoolfriend split with her husband and was on my doorstep every single morning when I got home from taking the kids to school. Drove me nuts, but she wasn't a friend and just wanted to moan about her situation.

    I think you need to just ask her over at a particular time, then ask if you can make it a regular thing, once a week. She possibly thinks you have moved nearer to have more contact and she thinks you want this.
     
  17. Waterlily

    Waterlily Amused

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    My friends/family learnt the hard way that I just dont bother opening my garage door (the only way to the front door :D ) If I dont get a phone call first. I dont do it and I find it rude when others do it.
     
  18. harley bear

    harley bear PetForums VIP

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    Im sorry but i had to laugh at your original post.

    We had a similar problem a last year with a friend of ours who would 'pop' round every night and nit leave till near midnight.
    We told her that we were tired etc etc but she didnt get the hint and would always turn up just when we were sitting down to eat.

    Now when she turns up she just lets herself in :lol:

    Shes a good friend and even though she can be a pain in the back side she is always there when we need her...maybe because shes just always here :lol:

    I think you just have to be honest and tell her that she has to give you a couple of hours notice if she is planning on popping in..maybe go out more often so shes had a wasted journey.
     
  19. Waterlily

    Waterlily Amused

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    Lmfao thats hilarious...... I dunno how you can put up with that, does she pay a percentage of rent? :D
     
  20. la468

    la468 Guest

    Thanks for all your replies. :D I'm definitely going to say something next time she's around. I don't think she realises how annoying it can be.
     
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