I had a Chihuahua called Jake. He was my life, my world, my absolute everything. He gave me so much unconditional love. He was my best friend, my shadow. He was a 9yr old neutered male. He was always healthy, he ate premium quality food, always had toys and love, a walk every day sometimes 2. A few months ago I noticed he started to take longer to pee, I didn't think much of it at first but it quickly escalated. One evening I had come home from a meeting and he wasn't himself, I tried to take him for a walk but he couldn't, I noticed he couldn;t pee and rushed him to the emergency vets. They put a catheter in him, drained him and he went back to normal, the vet told me to book an appointment with the normal day time vets as it was unusual. I went to the vets, they at first suspected infection and potentially crystals, so he was put on a special diet and given a round of beytril and metacam. The weeks went on with frequent vet visits. He didn;t improve, it got worse until they decided to do a scan. The scan revealed his prostate was abnormally large, especially given he was neutered. The scan also revealed a large dark spot which looked like a lymph node. The vet said it could be cancer but I shouldn't jump the gun, it could still be a bad infection and they did find some small crystals and sediment. I was sent away with another round of medication but less than 2 days later Jake was in the garden howling, he wasn't himself, couldn't wee. I rushed him back and they took him off me and told me they were going to transfer him to a specialist unit where they would put a catheter in and potentially clear any stones or blockages. The vet reassured me Jake would be sorted out. I left the vets in tears but knowing I'd have my boy back soon meant I got over it. The next day I got a call from the specialist unit in Watford. They told me to go in. I got there and saw Jake, he wagged his tail and had biscuits on his nose. He was panting a lot, apparently from all the pain relief and sedation. I went into the consultation room, the vet looked at me and said I am really sorry. Immediately my heart sank. She said we have found cancer and that his prostate has completely closed his urethra. She told me they couldn't even get a catheter up there and that they had to aspirate directly from his bladder. My heart sank, I felt sick, weak, I couldn't believe this was happening. She offered me 2 options. 1 was to let him go peacefully by putting him to sleep or the other was the operation to remove as much of the cancer as possible. She said if I opted for surgery it would be cruel and he;d have almost no quality of life. She said the cancer would likely return aggresively, and, it had already spread to a lymph node (but nowhere else on his body) She said the operation was high risk, they also diagnosed him with heart murmur and said the chance of death in the op would be around 70%. She said even if he survived, he would be on a lot of medication and would have to have a drain putting in on his bladder for manual emptying. It killed me, I let him go. He went to sleep in my arms. That night, when he left this world, a huge huge part of me went with him. Since I've been lost. I left my home, my partner and kids. I stayed away because of the sheer emotional state I have been in. The night Jake passed I smashed a bottle over my head and gave myself a black eye. I stayed away from home. I've been in the worst state imaginable. I keep crying, having nightmares, I feel lost, so broken hearted, so alone. I've had very little support and I've also learned who my true friends are at a time in my life where I was borderline suicidal. I wouldn't do anything stupid as I am not that selfish, but, doesn't stop me feeling so so so low. It was 2 weeks ago today that he passed. I am in ruin. I miss him. He was 9! 9! that's all! he had at least another 6+ years left. Chihuahua's generally live a long life span. Why was he robbed from me? I don't know where to turn, so very few people understand the bond I had with him. Even my best, closest friends haven't bothered with me which has left me feeling even more alone. Help? anyone?