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Long, but opinions wanted please :)

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by charlie9009, Jul 24, 2009.


  1. charlie9009

    charlie9009 PetForums Senior

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    Ok, this will probably be long, so anyone that is willing to read the whole thing, thank you! :D

    I found out two days ago that my youngest brother (I'll call R), 18, and his girlfriend (I'll call T), just 18, are expecting a baby. They have only been together 6 months at the very most, and both still live with their parents. T's mum has told her that if she keeps it she will throw her out (her parents like things done properly, and she has only just left school, they think it's too soon). My mum has said to my other brother (I'll call J) that if T is thrown out she will let her move in there. This has annoyed me, alot! In my opinion they are both too young and immature for kids, but it is their decision, so if they choose to have the baby they should find their own place, not rely on mum to look after it for them, which is what will happen if they live there. It has also annoyed me as there are sooo many people desperate for kids that can't have them, and because of their stupidness their now expecting one when they have no clue what it will really be like, and have had no lives themselves. They are always arguing, and falling out too.

    T has no idea about the real world. She has everything paid for by her parents, even her car insurance and petrol! Because of this she has no respect for anything, and will get the latest thing in fashion, and change it when it's out of date. How will she cope with a baby? Well if she's living at mum's she won't have too, as mum will look after it when she's not at work.

    R has a bit more of an idea about the real world, he has always had to pay for his own stuff. He has said before that he doesn't want kids while he's so young, he wants to have a life first.

    My step dad has said he doesn't want a baby in the house full time, but if mum decides she can move in then that's what will happen.

    What should I do? I'm not supposed to know about the baby yet, so can't talk to R or T about it. If I talk to my mum I feel we will fall out, as alot of things will probably come out, but if I don't talk to her about it then we will fall out too as I always have been treated different to my brothers, and I feel their baby will get treated differently to my little boy too which I will not put up with. Or am I just being an interfering fool, and should just keep out of it???
     
  2. thedogsmother

    thedogsmother PetForums VIP

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    I think that until you officially know about it there is nothing you can say or do:(. When you do know you can offer your opinion but it sounds like they are both very immature and very selfish. Having a child already yourself you will know just how hard it is lo look after another living person 24/7 and I only hope they surprise everyone and become good parents but I wouldn't hold my breath. Unfortunately apart from giving the benefit of your experience there is nothing else you can do, they will make their own choices (right or wrong) and will have to live with the consequences, hopefully they won't take advantage of your mum too much.
    Oh and just to add, my sister has always been favoured by my mum, when my son was born he was doted on by her then my daughter was too but now that my sister has a son my two are barely acknowledged, I have had huge rows with my mum about this and she says I am imagining it, my mum looks after my nephew every few weeks but hasn't had my two for over a year, even my kids have asked why grandma loves their cousin more than them, this breaks my heart to hear, but I don't know how to change her so I sincerely hope this doesn't happen to you.
     
    #2 thedogsmother, Jul 24, 2009
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2009
  3. owieprone

    owieprone PetForums VIP

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    another way of looking at it is.. it will either bring T down to earth with a bump or she will go postal.. either way it their decision and whoever decides that she and the baby can stay in the house as to how it is handled.

    on the upside.. having a baby when quite young means that they can get the boring baby bits out of the way.. have a REALLY good think about what they want to do in their future for work etc, have about 2 years to figure it out (including gestation time). They will then by the time the kid is 1 have a really good idea of what they want to do.. cos lets face it how many of us at 18 knew exactly what they wanted to do and had the skills, experience and ability to do it?
    Also having a kid early means that they have had it.. possibly won't have more and when they are on the up in their chosen field they won't have 'need a baby before it's too late' on the brain and it won't mess up their promotion and change of career possiblities, due to time off work for maternity/paternity leave. it could work in their favour.. it certainy did for 2 friends of mine, both her kids were complete accidents.. she died of a cancer that would have made her sterile if she'd survived.. another is now a very good NHS manager which if she'dhad her kids later on would have missed out on that due to having to take time off during school holidays.. her kids are now old enough to look after themselves during that time. neither of them at the time had the know how or money to really supports kids but then who does first time round?
    accidents happen.. think positively it might turn out to be a great mistake.
     
  4. missyme

    missyme PetForums VIP

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    i fell pregnant with my 1st child at 19 i was still living at home getting my washing done ect and working full time my o/h was unemployed and not much older than me we got a house and had nothing when we moved in but with support from both our parents we managed i worked as long as i could my o/h got a job a week before our baby was born im not saying it was easy it was hard work i was housed 30 miles away from my folks and had a hard time getting used to them not being there but 19 yrs later me and my o/h are still together married now though.
    i wish your brother and his g/f luck they will need it if i could change anything i would have had my 1st child a good few years later i had my 2nd at 25 and felt much more ready for it all although i have a great relationship with my 16yr old now it was hard when he was young
     
  5. suzy93074

    suzy93074 PetForums VIP

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    Its a tough one charlie but I think until you are told u may just have to bite your tongue ,,,It also infuriates me how silly young kids are today and dont always think about the consequences of their actions.....normally its always the child that suffers:( Having said that there are a lot of young people who have kids early and are brilliant parents it depends on what they are like and how mature they are really.

    They could as previously said have the baby and it change them for the better but again this is not a guarantee, I hope for the sake of the child they can pull together - but if your brother has already said he is not ready for a child yet it may go pearshaped - only time will tell - have a word with your mum and tell her how u feel.

    Take care
    Suzy xxxx
     
    #5 suzy93074, Jul 24, 2009
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2009
  6. MADCAT

    MADCAT PetForums VIP

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    I agree Suzy, i know a girl who had 4 children before she was 20 and shouldnt have been allowed to have 1 child, i also know a girl who had a baby at 16 and she is a brilliant mum. xxx
     
  7. charlie9009

    charlie9009 PetForums Senior

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    Thank you for your opinions. I know there isn't much I can say untill I'm told (although I can talk to my mum as she knows I know). I think they will probably keep it, which is there choice, but I really do hope they realise how hard it is. When they eventually tell me, which I don't think will be for a long time as R knows what I will say, I will tell them that I think they need to live in their own place and sort themselves out. They will have to learn that they go with out most things, just so the baby will get what it needs.

    I know that having a baby at a young age can be a good thing, and if they'd been together longer, got on most of the time and didn't rely on their parents for everything (T more than R) then I don't think it would be such a problem, although I still feel they should lead their lives abit first.

    My mum will leave Reece out a bit, I know that, and if she does then we will be having serious words. It is one thing treating me differently (which I would like to say I think is because she had me so young and could never have a "proper" life like all her friends so resented me slightly), but there is no way I want her upsetting Reece!

    I really hope that things work out and they suprise us all, although I don't think they will :(
     
  8. SemolinaPilchard

    SemolinaPilchard PetForums Member

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    I guess there's not really much anyone can do AFTER the fact. A baby is on the way and it's natural for close family involved to rally round and be supportive. It's going to be difficult enough if your brother feels he's not ready to be a father yet (though he should have thought of this and made sure that their protection was adequate) and the mother to be is young and immature and without her own family support.

    Only time will tell how all this pans out but fingers crossed it works itself out and her parents take a difference stance and offer their help, she will need it. I think it's admirable that your mum is willing to be there.

    As hard as it may seem to you, the choice really is your mum's but you should express how you feel once it's all out in the open.

    Good luck!
     
  9. cassie01

    cassie01 PetForums VIP

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    same thing in my family, although my dad is the favourite his mom has always prefered my aunties daughter and now her two kids. me and my sisters all know it and even now i dont feel as comfortable around them as i do my moms dad. if your worried that your mom will spend more time with and treat this kid differently to yours then you should tell her now or at least when you officially know about i. I know more then others how holding information in puts a huge strain on a relationship.
     
  10. sequeena

    sequeena PetForums VIP

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    Stupidest thing I've ever heard! (not your post the situation :p)

    But what can you do? It's not your problem so you should stay out of it. It's hard because I don't even know them and I want to bang their heads together :mad:
     
    charlie9009 likes this.
  11. charlie9009

    charlie9009 PetForums Senior

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    Lol, thank you, that post made me laugh! :D

    I have just been told by my step dad that R has said he won't tell me or my OH because he knows we will lecture him. It's their choice, and I won't lecture him,we've done that about unprotected sex, and that obviously didn't work :rolleyes: but we will both tell him how it is. We won't pussy foot around like everyone else will. I am the same with anyone that tells me something, or asksmy opinion, and I will be the same with him. If they want kids, they will have to put up with comments from people, better they hear things from their own family.

    I do hope that T's parents will re think and give her support, I know she will need it, and I will gve them support too in any way I can. The baby is here now (well, will be!) but I will be telling them both they need to grow up, quickly!

    As for my mum, we are going to be having a "talk" tonight about some things, although I won't mention about treating Reece any different, she might suprise me and treat them the same so I'll wait and see. She has always treated me differently although she can't see it, we have talked about it before, everyone else can see it though. My step dad treats me better than all my brothers, because he says he feels he needs to compensate for the way she treated me compared to them. Although, I did joke the other day that if it was J that was having a baby he would have his own house by now! lol, he's the favourite, she thinks the sun shines from his... well, you get the idea! :smilewinkgrin:
     
  12. sequeena

    sequeena PetForums VIP

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    Haha you'll be like some sort of supernanny for adults! :001_tt2:

    Well I'm glad one of you has sense at least!
     
  13. suzy93074

    suzy93074 PetForums VIP

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    Hope you manage to have a good conversation with your mum charlie and remember we are always here if you need to let off steam!;):D
     
  14. charlie9009

    charlie9009 PetForums Senior

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    Thank you Suzy. If I'm on tonight then the conversation with my mum didn't go to well! lol

    Ooooo, now there's a new career idea! I don't think I'd get too much work though, most people don't like to hear things how they are, they like the pink fluffy cloud versions of the truth! lol

    I think I do have sense, I had too much too young due to problems in my life, all of which I've had to deal with mainly on my own (OH has helped me now), my mums not good at offering me support, but that's a whole other thread! ;)
     
  15. sequeena

    sequeena PetForums VIP

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    Become a chef then! Female Gorndon Ramsay :yikes:

    I think you and I are a lot alike!! Been through a lot of things myself and am only 20. My english lit/lang lecturer always told me I was one of the few with common sense on this planet :D If you ever need to talk you can always PM me! :)
     
  16. HighlandQuine

    HighlandQuine PetForums Senior

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    Sex, it has a lot of answer for with the situations it puts people in.

    Anyway, I think you need to just let them go for it and see how things work out, hopefully it will be the making of them.

    I can relate big style to being treated differently by your parents. This is still happening to me and I'm nealry 42!! My brother was always introduced to people as the son they thought they'd never have, well that kind of paints the picture really.

    All these years on and he's got kids now and I don't, well, you can guess the rest... :rolleyes:

    Good luck with the chat with your mum, let us know how you get on. xx :)
     
  17. bichonsrus

    bichonsrus PetForums Senior

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    I think its great that your mum is supporting them no matter what - think about it if everyone was against them they could be a homeless couple wondering the streets wondering if they gonna eat that day, if they feel t hey have made the right decision they wont budge on it just cos everyone going against them, they would sleep on friends sofa's etc not practical for a pregnant teen and im sure you wouldnt want to see that too would you. At the end of the day that unborn child will be part of your family so smile, offer support and be there if and when needed :)

    I had my first kid at 19, was single and i dont regret a thing, i grew up extremely quickly!!!!
     
  18. charlie9009

    charlie9009 PetForums Senior

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    An update for anyone that's interested. We had a talk with them and they had decided to keep the baby. We told them that they've got to sort themselves out somewhere to live, if they think they can have the baby then they need to take responsability for it and themselves, which they did agree to, and said they understood everything we were on about and they knew why some people have a problem with it, but they were willing to prove everyone wrong. :)

    Unfortunatly though at the weekend T had a miscarrage. :( They seem to be dealing with it quite well, and they both said that they won't try for another, they would rather wait.

    What happened is not something I would wish on anyone. When T told her mum that she thinks she might've had a miscarrage her mum said "hopefully" :eek: I know it is probably for the best, but why would you say that to your daughter when she's upset? I think that is very cruel. Needless to say, she now isn't talking to her mum, and I think she wants to move out of home now anyway, and I don't blame her.
     
  19. sequeena

    sequeena PetForums VIP

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    :nonod: I am so sorry, to suffer a miscarriage is horrendous. I'm still trying to get over mine. I hope they're okay x

    The mother is DISGUSTING :mad:
     
  20. suzy93074

    suzy93074 PetForums VIP

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    :(
    Awww poor girl:( Suffering a miscarraige is horrible - I had one many years ago....I hope she is ok - hope you are ok tooxxxx
     
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