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I've lost my best friend and soulmate to adenocarcinoma.

Discussion in 'Rainbow Bridge' started by Daniel Carter, Aug 6, 2019.


  1. Daniel Carter

    Daniel Carter PetForums Newbie

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    I joined this forum looking for help. I'm in such a mess. My dog, my best friend, my soulmate, my life had to be put to sleep the weekend just gone and I'm in turmoil.

    Jake was my 9 ye old male Chihuahua. He had been neutered when he was 4.

    A few months ago I started noticing him taking longer to pee.

    It got progreasivpro worse until one evening I had to rush him to the emergency vets. They stuck a catheter in and drained him and explained they were concerned.

    I took him to the vets, we went through rounds of treatment and antiinflammatories. As the weeks went on it got worse again until I took him to the vets for a scan.

    They could see his prostate was massively enlarged and he had some large lymph nodes. I cling on to hope that it's not cancer and we tried a few other treatments

    On Friday last week he was howling in the garden and wandering around in so much discomfort. I rushed him to the vets who said they would transfer him to a specialist unit.

    I get a call the following day telling me to go in. I get there and they give me him for cuddles. There they explain that he has aggressive prostatic cancer and that there isn't anything they can do and that I need to consider letting him go. They were unable to get a catheter in because the urethra was completely blocked and they'd aspirated urine from him via a needle into his bladder.
    One vet said we could have debuilkng surgery to reduce the size of the tumour, but she said it was a high risk procedure with a 70 % chance of death as they also diagnosed him as having a heart murmur. They said the tumour would grow back very quickly and that the cancer had already spread. They said if I opted for surgery he'd be in a lot of pain and would be on a cocktail of drugs and that he wouldn't have much of a quality of life.

    He was put to sleep in my eyes Saturday night.

    Now I'm broken, thought about suicide. I'm in agony absolute agony to the point where I just don't want to have to live through it.

    Did I make the right decision? Why did he get such a rare form of cancer? What's even worse is he was neutered, so why did he get an aggressive prostate cancer?

    Why? Why is life this cruel.

    I'm in ruin, I just want my boy back.
     
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  2. Linda Weasel

    Linda Weasel PetForums VIP

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    We have all been through what you’re suffering now, and know how desperate it feels.

    It does get better with time (it’s a cliche but true). You gave him the best life and the best end to it that any dog could hope for. You were unselfish and did what was best; your friend is free now.

    One day you will be able to think of the good things you did together, and the funny times.

    Grief is hard but you’ll get through it, and probably one day you’ll have another dog that you’ll love; not to take his place but because now you’re one of those who know how amazing is the bond that we can create with these animals.
     
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  3. Lurcherlad

    Lurcherlad PetForums VIP

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    So very sorry for your loss :(

    He sounds like a very loved boy and lucky to have such a devoted owner.

    It’s understandable you are distraught at the moment but give yourself time to grieve and process it all.

    Jake was one of the lucky ones and you saved him from suffering.

    Perhaps a chat with your GP is a good idea if you are feeling so bereft as there is lots of help out there to help us cope with life’s challenges, without feeling alone.

    We’re all animal lovers here so understand how upset you must feel and can offer a friendly, sympathetic outlet for you to vent and share.

    Take care x
     
  4. Daniel Carter

    Daniel Carter PetForums Newbie

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    Jake went peacefully. But he was only 9! 9? why? he was only half way through his life expectancy. I've lost my world, no more cuddles, wet nose, walkies, tiliting head, nothing.

    I just can't fathom a life without him. It's just too painful.

    I left home and went to stay with parents, I can't process anything. I can't eat, breathe, think.

    I just don't see a future now hes gone.

    If he'd been older say 14, 15, 16 I could have coped much easier as we would have fulfilled most of his life.

    9. Too many things undone.
     
  5. Daniel Carter

    Daniel Carter PetForums Newbie

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    My little boy used to love playing boxing with his little paws
     

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  6. Tiggers

    Tiggers PetForums Senior

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    I understand your grief and darkness. Even though you have been brought to this dark place, time will lead you from it back to the light. I've lost many beloved pets and been brought to the same place at the loss of each one. Bless you, and sending you strength xx
     
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  7. koekemakrank@

    [email protected] PetForums Junior

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    So sorry for your loss. No words can lessen your grief. All strength to you during this sad time.
     
  8. Veronica Chapman

    Veronica Chapman PetForums Member

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    Hi Daniel, life can be unfair and cruel. Dave and I are so sorry that you have to put your beloved Jake to sleep.
    Your quick actions have saved him from lingering pain and disabilities Daniel. You have given him all the fight against this aggressive cancer and you did the kindest thing in the end.
    We too have to put our lovely Bengal Benji to sleep 3 months ago. Not one day do we not miss him terribly. The pain is so raw still. But we remember all the great times we enjoyed together, the funny things Benji used to do. He was a talking cat, used to say words like 'oh' with such expressions if he didn't get the attention and we smile.
    Do think of all the lovely things you did with Jake. He is no longer in pain and has gone to a better place. I am weeping with you now, it does get easier a little day by day.
    Keep well.
    Veronica x
     
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  9. Daniel Carter

    Daniel Carter PetForums Newbie

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    I keep reliving the nightmare over and over again in my head. He was taken far too young in such an evil way. I'm finding it hard to even string a sentence together. He died in my arms, went limp, left this world. The pain, the pain, I can't cope and I am going through emotional torture. If I didn't have kids I would have probably looked to leave this world myself. It doesn't matter that I am alive, when Jake died, I died inside and i'm a crumbling shell.

    No counselling can help, the bond I had was beyond any comprehension, he meant more to me than life.

    He was 9, not 14, not 15, he was 9.

    He got an aggresive prostate cancer that closed his Urethra, he couldn't pee and in the last day they were aspirating urine from him via direct injection into the bladder. But why, why did he get a cancer so rare, especially since we was neutered, the prostate should have shrunk away and went. How did he get this cancer, why, why did this have to happen.

    If there is a god / jesus (which there isn't) I wish with all my heart that they'd die of cancer in the most horrible painful circumstances.

    The vets said I did the right thing, but, I read up about dog cancers online and most are treatable. Jake's cancer was relatively contained yet they said surgery wouldn't be worth it? they said he had a heart murmur and had a high risk of dying from the procedure, not only because of the heart murmur but also because the prostate gland has so many blood vessells he would lose a lot of blood during the op.

    I inevitably made the decision to put him to sleep because I put my wants and desperations behind what was right for Jake. But I can't help but feel there could have been other options to try before this? he was taken from me.

    Robbed. I've been robbed. I'm dead inside, I am going through the worst thing I could ever encounter, now I am just going to wait for death because as far as I am concerned **** life, I am done with this bullshit.

    **** Cancer. **** Life.
     
  10. Linda Weasel

    Linda Weasel PetForums VIP

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    Daniel. If this is how you really feel then you need to contact your GP now.

    What you’re feeling is grief and guilt, which is something we all feel very badly when we lose a pet; just distraught.

    However, I think you’re not managing very well at the moment, and PLEASE look for more help than you can get on a forum.
     
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  11. Veronica Chapman

    Veronica Chapman PetForums Member

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    Daniel,
    I agree totally with Linda Weasel above text. Whilst it is usual in the bereavement cycle to feel grief, guilt and anger, I think that you are speaking of taking your own life. There are so many issues to discuss here. There are specialised well trained people out there that can help you Daniel.
    Please go see your GP and or speak to the Samaritans.
    Please call them on the helpline now.
    Veronica, thinking of you and family
     
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  12. Happy Paws2

    Happy Paws2 PetForums VIP

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    Daniel, after losing Dillon in February I do know how you are feeling, they are such a large part of our lives, we feel as if the heart of our house been ripped out. My OH is still devastated and he still cries for him, It's taking such along time to come to terms that Dillon is not here anymore, but as the days go by it has got a little easier although it still hurts like hell.

    If you need help, as the above has said there is help out there don't be afraid to ask.
     
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  13. MrsLB

    MrsLB PetForums Newbie

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    Oh Daniel, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend 4 months ago and devastated was an understatement. Grief like this is a journey no one wants to take, and it’s the price we all pay for loving our furry friends. You loved Jake with every fibre of your being, and in turn, he loved you just as much. You done the absolutely right thing for Jake, and that was the last act of love you could do for him. I promise that in time
    the pain won’t feel so raw. The Blue Cross offer great support with pet bereavement, and if you’re not up for talking with anyone, you can correspond with them via email. I wish you all the very best. Take care x
     
  14. Veronica Chapman

    Veronica Chapman PetForums Member

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    My husband and I are still here reading about your sorrow Daniel. We are feeling your pain and keep reflecting on the whole event of having to "do the best thing for Benji". I keep thinking what if we didn't do the right thing. The sensible part of me could see that our Benji has lost so much weight and having real difficulty with his body functions. I am absolutely certain now that we have done the right thing to stop his sufferings. So have you, Daniel.
    Veronica x
     
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  15. Daniel Carter

    Daniel Carter PetForums Newbie

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    thank you all. I am sorry for those of you that sympathise because you've had to go through something similar. It's been truly horrific. It's the most agonising, soul destroying, life destroying experience. I am on the edge, not just because I've lost my world but also because he lost the chance of so many more years of life, walkies, love, cuddles, treats, playtime.

    I don't know if I'll survive this ordeal. I am just drifting through each day aimlessly.

    I've not been able to work properly, I've only just returned home after staying with my parents for nearly 3 weeks and I'm surrounded by his memory and the environment I took him away from before his passing. I miss him too much and I don't think I can endure the pain of being here.

    I know loss is loss, but to me, Jake passed at 9, not only was that far too young, he was ripped away so suddenly and because of such a cruel thing.

    I'm no longer scared of death, but I am scared to live, scared because day and night I am in so much sorrow.

    I miss my boy. I keep hoping to wake up and that this was just a bad nightmare.

    I just want to wake up and to see him by my side, please please please...........
     
  16. MrsLB

    MrsLB PetForums Newbie

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    It’s still very early days for you Daniel, filled with horrible raw emotions. You’re still very much in shock and disbelief, which is awful. I remember when Lex had just passed, I kept replaying his last moments over and over in my mind, and I couldn’t quite grasp that I would never see him again, watch the way he used to love the wind in his face, play in the snow, and take an attack of the
    zoomies when he though a treat was on offer. Those days were unbearable, and I just didn’t know what to do with myself. Do you have support around you Daniel, as it really is imperative to have someone who will listen. I can’t say when the pain will ease, but it will. I know it doesn’t seem like that just now, but in time, things will get easier. I really wish I could say something to make you feel better Daniel, but all I can say is I understand what you’re going through and you just have to take each day as it comes, feel what you feel and talk about Jake with someone who understands. I’m so very sorry you’re going through this. Stay strong and be kind to yourself. Take care x
     
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  17. Sacremist

    Sacremist Mum to 2 cats and a dog

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    I’m so sorry for your loss. We all ask why, but sadly there is no reason why. It’s just the world in which we live. It’s the horrible part of having pets we love so much. The pain you feel now is horrific, and I know everyone says this, but time really is a great healer. You will never forget your little boy and through your memories of him and your love for him, he will continue to live with you and one day you will be able to think of him still with sadness that he is gone, but not with the pain you feel now.

    I have photos of all my pets on the walls of my living room so even though most have now passed, I can still see them every day. Maybe you should do the same. It helps me to feel like they are still with me.
    A6614F6E-1B0D-4ACD-BB36-84E9E6EB0548.jpeg
     
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  18. Mrs Brown

    Mrs Brown PetForums Junior

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    Pets are no different to humans in that some live to a very old age without illness and others are stricken mid way through their lifespan. It is hurting you so much which is easy to see reading your words. Please keep posting on this forum and let us know how you are as it is affecting you so badly and it is worrying to read some of your comments.

    You are among people here who all have tragic memories of losing pets and my own is a recent one. I know nothing seems to help much with sympathetic words but they are sincere, please do not forget that.
    p1413-animal-loss-sympathy-cards-2.jpg
     
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  19. Daniel Carter

    Daniel Carter PetForums Newbie

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    Here I am, it's been nearly 2 months since I lost Jake. I sit here teetering on the brink. If I didn;t have kids I would have let go of life. But, I have to carry on. However, my mental state is getting worse. I simply cannot cope with the loss. I've lost such a huge part of me I can't see a way out. I went to the doctors and it;'s the usual, didn;t care just fobbed me off with a prescription for anti-depressants, what, a tablet to take away the pain? I;m not mentally ill, just so very very heartbroken.

    Some people cope with loss, some don't, unfortunately, I find myself in the later category.

    I've tried so hard to find ways through, but, here I am at 4:20am, can;t sleep, can't think clearly.

    The last 7 weeks have been hell, just utter hell.

    I've lost interest in everything, I just feel like a shell.

    I'm doing my best to carry on as a Dad, and my kids are my life. But, that aside, I still can't help hurting. I cry and cry. Most people around me don't care, they've seen me sad for this long, they're probably fed up with it by now.

    I feel like I have nowhere to turn, no one to talk to.

    I just want my boy back.............
     
  20. Mrs Brown

    Mrs Brown PetForums Junior

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    Again so sorry for your loss and to read that you are still suffering so strongly. May I ask are any other family members feeling this loss the way you are or do you feel there is little sympathy around you. I still have waves of sadness wash over me months after losing my last pet and while my family have always known I am cat bonkers they never refer to my loss after the first week or so. I accept this. It was my loss alone.

    Life can be cruel in all sorts of ways and losing a pet to some people is trivial in the grand scheme of things but to those of us who are in despair it is just awful.
    If it helps to talk at any time then please share as much as you feel you want to. You have so many listeners here who support you.
     
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