Welcome!

Welcome to PetForums, the UK's most popular and friendly pet owners community. Please 'Sign Up' if you'd like to take part and contribute to our forum.

Sign Up

It is me or the cat

Discussion in 'Cat Chat' started by Marie Hurd, Dec 28, 2017.


?

If this was you, would you get rid of this cat?

  1. Yes, I would.

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. No, I would not.

    100.0%
  3. Yes, I would with an ultimatum.

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  4. No, I would not but I would have him get rid of the cat.

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. Marie Hurd

    Marie Hurd PetForums Newbie

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2017
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    11
    Hi all,
    I am needing some good advice of this issue in my home with my husband's cat. I found this forum as a last resort and hope to find some answers to this dilemma.

    We all have heard of this statement, "It is me or the cat" somewhere and from people struggling with a cat in their home belonging to a beloved family member or close friend. I believe "It is me or the cat" is an actual TV show. I may belong to that percentage struggling with an estranged cat so here is my story:

    My husband and I are recent newly weds. This coming March 2018 will be our second yr. married. Like most pet owners, he is an owner of a dog ( a sweetheart Whippet mix) and an owner of HIS beloved cat. This cat hates everyone except for him. It takes 5 staff members at the vet just to pin her down for shots.

    For the last 2 years I have had to put up with his cat. The hissing never ends and I have tried everything: playing with her, talking to her, singing to her, working in some catnip, even feeding her. But there is one circumstance that I can not tolerate is her urinating and defecating on my belongings. I believe she seeks to find items that only belong to me and not my husbands. We even took her to the vet recently to find that her urinating is behavioral and nothing else. Unfortunately for me, she is one 12 year old healthy cat. To add to gas to the fire, our vet also informed us that his dog has a health problem having two more years of life.

    I am at a loss. I really do not know what to do. Is it wrong of me to think about getting rid of this cat when my husband is about to lose his best friend? If this was you, what would you do?

    Please advice,
    - In Agony
     
  2. Summercat

    Summercat PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2017
    Messages:
    4,139
    Likes Received:
    8,581
    I wouldn’t have him get rid of his pet.
    Cats do not do things to bother people, if they are exhibiting a behavior it is best to find the root cause.
    Have you considered a cat behaviorist?
    I have read, that a cat urinating on belongings is scent marking. They do it when a member of their social group is away or otherwise to mix scent and feel more connected. I had this happen to me twice before when visiting people with cats, I was new and I suppose they were marking their territory or mingling scent.

    What is the background with the cat, how old was she when she was first homed?
     
    Saf, spotty cats, Jackie C and 8 others like this.
  3. Mirandashell

    Mirandashell Banned

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2017
    Messages:
    6,533
    Likes Received:
    7,596
    I would stop trying so hard to be friends with the cat and just leave her alone. Cats are not like dogs. Humans are not the centre of their universe and the cat is usually the one to decide the limits of any relationship. So just leave the cat alone from now on and see what happens.
     
    Saf, Forester, Jackie C and 11 others like this.
  4. Babyshoes

    Babyshoes PetForums Senior

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2016
    Messages:
    659
    Likes Received:
    872
    I think you should find a local animal behaviorist. There will be a reason for this behavior which you can address, as well as ways to prevent it, like putting your things in a closed cupboard.
     
  5. Jonescat

    Jonescat Don't do nothing. Do something.

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2012
    Messages:
    6,731
    Likes Received:
    5,445
    I would change vets for starters, it should not take 5 people to pin down a cat for shots. That is only reinforcing her belief that she needs to protect herself and that everyone except your husband is horrible!

    I agree a behaviourist might help, and so might this thread - have a read and see if anything strikes a chord with you
    https://www.petforums.co.uk/threads...ouse-this-is-the-house-soiling-thread.371806/
     
    Saf, spotty cats, Forester and 13 others like this.
  6. urbantigers

    urbantigers PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2014
    Messages:
    1,522
    Likes Received:
    3,173
    Cats don't urinate on belongings to be spiteful but because they are trying to mark their territory. It sounds to me as though the cat is insecure and desperately trying to make sense of the change in her world. She's trying to make your things smell more like her in order to feel more secure. Have you tried any calming measures such as feliway diffusers in your home? Given how long the behaviour seems to have been going on, I think a behaviourist would be a good idea also to try and find a way in which you can all live together harmoniously. You and the cat may never have a close relationship but hopefully steps can be taken to make the cat feel more comfortable in her surroundings and to make you feel happier with the situation.
     
    Saf, spotty cats, Jackie C and 16 others like this.
  7. kittih

    kittih PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2014
    Messages:
    4,822
    Likes Received:
    6,779
    Cats are very aware and sensitive to whether someone does or doesn't like them. They also can dislike people attempting to pet them , interact with them, come into their space or look at them.

    The cat will sense your unease or dislike and this will cause her to be anxious - she doesn't know she is the cause of your feelings, just that there is something in the home that you are unhappy with.

    One way cats try to get rid of a threat is to increase their families scent profile. In nature a cat would hold a territory and scent mark either with urine, faeces or via glands on the paws, chin, cheeks and base of tail or a combination areas at cat nose height or on the ground at boundaries to their territory or over markings made by interlopers.

    When living with humans in a territory where there are no perceived threats cats will scent mark owners by head and tail rubbing and also mark prominent points inside the home with rubbing and scratching (furnishings, cat post etc). This builds up the family smell, mixing human and cat (and dog) scents to create a unique family odour.

    When there is a perceived threat the cats first defence against the assailant is to increase the scent signals in the house. This reinforces the loud and clear message that this cat and her family live here and interlopers best keep away. To make the scent keep away message the cat will often urinate on strongly scented areas of her family members eg dirty laundry, favourite chair, dog basket and quite commonly the human bed. They may also spray at boundaries to the home eg by the front and back door.

    This all makes sense when the interloper is another cat but when the perceived danger is intangible it doesn't seem a sensible approach to us.

    So the cat knows something is not right. One of the humans in her life is upset and anxious especially when she the cat is around. That human makes the cat anxious because perhaps they are approaching the cat. looking at the cat or interacting too much so, without knowing what the actual "threat" is the cat will urinate to increase the go away things that are making me anxious signal.

    One of my cats once peed in my sisters travel bag when she visited. Not because he didn't like her or was feeling malicious but because that bag smelled of other cats as well as my sister. The other cat smell was a threat. To make that threat go away he tried to combine his scent with that of my sisters. Not logical to us humans but it makes sense to cats.

    I agree with others about getting a behaviourist in. Look up Vicky Halls website for some hints and tips.

    Also the cat is really anxious so firstly stop trying to be friends and interact. In fact pretend she is not there. Ignore her, don't look at her, don't speak to her. To ignore a cat is to say I am no threat (its why people who hate cats are cat magnets as they ignore them :) )

    Get some feliway diffusers which give off calming pheromones. You can also try zylkene, a natural milk protein and beaphar spot on calming drops both of which are completely harmless but have a natural calming effect. Zylkene can take a few days to work but if it does will help a lot and also with vets visits.

    Keep the cat away from items of yours that have lots of scent for now. Once the cat is less anxious you can start interacting at arms length. Throw some pieces of chicken towards her whilst ignoring her. If she is comfortable with that interaction you can try playing with a fishing rod toy or flying frenzy. Again ignore her as much as possible. Gradually through positive interaction she should accept you and her and your unhappiness will decrease.

    For advice on cat interactions look at Jackson Galaxy on youtube.
     
  8. Saf

    Saf Banned

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2016
    Messages:
    316
    Likes Received:
    286
    If a girlfriend said to me "It's me or the cat," I'd tell her not to bang the door on the way out, as it might upset the cat.
     
  9. Marie Hurd

    Marie Hurd PetForums Newbie

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2017
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    11
    Hi there, What I know is the cat is a Calico and he adopted her when she was a kitten and spayed at the correct time, and has been declawed from her front paws. He had shared with me that his cat was as sweet and cute as a button. He is not sure what may have caused her defiance to the world and that this behavior started years before I came into the picture. I do know that he has moved multiple times in the last 10 yrs. and added new pets to the family: my dog and my cat including. My cat is the sweetest and minds her own business from his cat although there have been some instances of spontaneous agression from his cat to my cat.
     
  10. Calvine

    Calvine PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2012
    Messages:
    7,077
    Likes Received:
    7,268
    Absolutely not; there wouldn't be a space for all of them to stand . . . and which part of her body would each person hold? I too would be thinking of changing vets. Having FIVE? people surrounding and touching her would terrify the poor animal for a start.
     
  11. cava14 una

    cava14 una Anne two black and white boys and a Nortie Tortie

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2008
    Messages:
    1,190
    Likes Received:
    1,209
    Keep trying to type but. words fail me. Poor cat!
     
  12. Vanessa131

    Vanessa131 PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Nov 16, 2014
    Messages:
    2,943
    Likes Received:
    4,557
    Poor cat has had its claws ripped out, moved several times and it seems various animals introduced to the house with no thought of how the cat will cope. No wonder the cat is so stressed.
     
    claire8234, Saf, spotty cats and 18 others like this.
  13. LostSoul

    LostSoul PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2012
    Messages:
    1,854
    Likes Received:
    1,690
    Declawing a cat can have terrible consequences including behavioral issues, hence why it is illegal in most places, including here in the uk,
    Personally i would leave the cat alone, it sounds very stressed and not happy at all, cats like their own space, give her plenty of room to do what she needs to do to feel safe. One of my cats is very scared of everything, including at times myself and my husband, we give her places to hide, things to climb up on to get out of our way, she's 14 and has always been that way, i wouldnt change her for the world. ..and i ended up needing medical treatment after taking my other female cat to the vets.

    I can say with all honesty if my husband ( of 23 years) said to me, its me or the cats, i would tell him to leave, luckily i know he wouldn't because i never would have married a man who doesnt love animals as much as i do...and i just asked him what he would say to me if i told him it's me or our cats and he said don't let the door hit your a*se on the way out...so the feeling is mutual.

    Despite their reputation cats are not spiteful, she will not be doing things simply to annoy you, she is trying to show you that something is wrong and she will be picking up on your emotions and anxieties...have you tried calming sprays like feliway?

    I know youre at the end of your tether and im sorry but for you to say unfortunately for me she is a healthy cat, i think is simply out of order....
     
    LinznMilly, Jackie C, Ali71 and 12 others like this.
  14. Rufus15

    Rufus15 PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2015
    Messages:
    2,794
    Likes Received:
    4,077
    Ohh dear, this poor baby. In agony with every step, moved from pillar to post, new pets that she doesn't know and hasn't had time to get used to, and a human all up in her space. No wonder she's stressed and defecating, poor thing doesn't know if she's coming or going.

    You've had good advice as to leaving her alone, and consulting a specialist.

    Personally I think both cats are best off away from owners who are cruel enough to mutilate them
     
  15. moggie14

    moggie14 PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2013
    Messages:
    9,957
    Likes Received:
    8,219
    :Rage Declawed?? I guess you are in the USA, this barbaric procedure is illegal pretty much everywhere else. You have answered your own question, the poor cat is probably in constant pain.
     
  16. moggie14

    moggie14 PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2013
    Messages:
    9,957
    Likes Received:
    8,219
    Sorry I have cross posted with others but you get the picture. Perhaps read up on what Jackson Galaxy thinks about declawing to help you understand why we all feel this way.
    I understand the USA are making progress banning this vile procedure but not soon enough for your poor cat :(
     
  17. AmsMam

    AmsMam belongs to the crazy cat

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2014
    Messages:
    557
    Likes Received:
    1,024
    I can't tell from your post so will ask: Are both cats declawed or just your husband's cat?
     
  18. jill3

    jill3 PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2009
    Messages:
    6,594
    Likes Received:
    1,230
    I think good advice already given.
    Sometimes it takes a lot of time and effort to find out what is causing these problems but if you love your Hubby then it is well worth the effort of trying to find a solution.
    I would look at it this way. What if it was your cat and you loved your cat very much?
     
  19. Bertie'sMum

    Bertie'sMum PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2017
    Messages:
    2,075
    Likes Received:
    4,679
    I wonder if the original poster realises that declawing a cat actually involves amputating their toes and that the animal will be in constant pain for the rest of it's life ?
     
  20. SbanR

    SbanR PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2017
    Messages:
    3,997
    Likes Received:
    8,574
    I agree with all the replies you've had so far. I would also add, can you give this poor cat a 'safe' room that is just hers i.e. no other animal allowed to enter. It would help to decrease her insecurity somewhat
     
    Saf, Jackie C, SpringDance and 9 others like this.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice