Welcome!

Welcome to PetForums, the UK's most popular and friendly pet owners community. Please 'Sign Up' if you'd like to take part and contribute to our forum.

Sign Up

Irritated - need a slight rant

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Jackie C, Dec 30, 2017.


  1. Jackie C

    Jackie C Cat slave

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2016
    Messages:
    1,822
    Likes Received:
    3,233
    I've known my friend since we were both toddlers, but she seems to be making less and less effort in our friendship. She does suffer with depression, is on anti-depressants, so I can appreciate her lack of motivation but it's becoming frustrating. She also has problems with her feet, so she can't be on her feet all day.

    I work 12hr shifts, night & days. Christmas and New Year, as well as Easter etc is just an ordinary working week for me, I work as many hours as any other week. I also work full-time. She works part-time.

    She lives in my home town, 60 miles away, so I'm not exactly next door. Over the years, she's had ups and downs, and I've always been there for her. She's had problems in relationships, and I have always been the shoulder to cry on. There has been times when she's had little money. I've always been happy to "lend" her money, and never asked or expected it back, it's only been £30 or £50 here or there. I'm not rich, I'm on an average income, but I do earn more than her. Not a problem.

    She was recently off sick with her feet and depression, but her partner was working full-time and is earning a good wage. He said he can earn a "grand a week", which is vastly more than I earn. I absolutely do no resent that, in fact I am pleased for her.

    But little things annoy me. Every single year, I always request the weekend off around her birthday, and ask her what she fancies doing for her birthday. It's usually "dunno". She hardly asks me what I'm doing for my birthday, and some years has been doing something else. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect her to put anything on hold for me, but this year, I had organised a night out and told her about it a month before. She said she was free, but then "forgot", and made other plans she couldn't get out of.

    A couple of months ago, she messaged me to say she was broke, and could I lend her money. I lent her £50, and she said she didn't want any more than that, otherwise she "wouldn't have been able to pay me back in one go." I said fine.
    She didn't pay me back. I didn't really mind........but then a couple of weeks after I gave her the money, she went and got a tattoo. Again, it's not the getting of the tattoo, it's that she said she was broke, and she said she would pay me back.

    She has had two weeks off over Xmas, always does have, but I am the one who visits her. I arranged this for the 29th this year, which we arranged several weeks ago. I checked with her the night before - and it's a good job I did, as her father in law was ill, and she was busy. Again, I don't have issue, as her priority is her family, but she didn't let me know. Would she have told me if I hadn't checked? She managed to fit us in for a hour when I said I was staying at a certain hotel, and if she found time, she could pop into the bar there.
    I feel like I am sounding petty, as her FIL being ill was more of a priority, but it's just another thing.

    When we met, I gave her her Xmas present. She said, "Oh, I'm not doing presents this year". She'd not said a word about this previously. We buy each other gifts every year (although she sometimes does "forget" me). I don't give to receive, but again, it's just another thing. She didn't get me a birthday present, either.

    She said she was back at work now, but part-time and I said, "That's good, that'll be better for your health, just a bit sh!tty money-wise, though." She said, quite brightly, "No, we're fine!"
    She's also just got another tattoo.
    She can obviously spend her money on what she likes. (In fact, I'm getting a tattoo myself in a week or so). This does sound like it's all about material things and money, but it's not. I'm not money-motivated or particularly materialistic.

    If there is a concert on, and I want to go, and I think she might like it, I let her know about it. But I often find out she's been somewhere afterwards (say to a concert) that I would have been interested in, but she didn't tell me about it.

    The way I write this, it sounds like I'm selfish and needy, and I want to do everything with her, but this is not the case. But I feel she's making less and less effort. She perhaps visits me once or twice a year (as I say, we live 60 miles apart), but I am there every month or so. I ask her if she fancies a night out here where I live, and she always has an excuse - usually that she's broke, or is busy or doesn't have the time. I used to understand this, but now it's getting tedious.
    If I don't message her for a couple of weeks, she doesn't message me.

    I know it sounds like I should have a talk with her, and I sometimes "joke" about it, and say, "You ought to come to see me" or joke, "Oh, I would have liked to have seen that/them. You'll have to let me know next time."

    We have a laugh when we're together, and get on really well, otherwise. We do love each other, like sisters, but I'm just fed up of her selfishness.
     
    #1 Jackie C, Dec 30, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2017
  2. Rafa

    Rafa PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2012
    Messages:
    12,303
    Likes Received:
    17,581
    I'm sorry but it doesn't sound to me as though this person is keen to spend any time with you.

    The only time she ever contacts you is when she wants money and otherwise, she's 'busy'?

    She doesn't repay money borrowed from you, but you say you don't mind. Well, you should mind. True friends don't behave that way.

    She doesn't sound like a friend to me, rather someone who uses you when she feels the need.

    I would stay away from her.
     
  3. rona

    rona Still missing my boys

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2011
    Messages:
    35,699
    Likes Received:
    17,468
    Stop being a doormat and see if she really is a friend, or if it's just you that feels that.
    You shouldn't be feeling this bad or resentful about a true friendship
     
    MontyMaude, WillowT, Calvine and 5 others like this.
  4. kimthecat

    kimthecat PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2009
    Messages:
    10,592
    Likes Received:
    11,909
    If this were me I would let the relationship tail off. I understand how limiting depression can be but I don't think she should treat you like this.
     
    WillowT, Calvine, Happy Paws and 4 others like this.
  5. Mirandashell

    Mirandashell Banned

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2017
    Messages:
    6,533
    Likes Received:
    7,596
    I agree with Kim. It does sound like she's taking you for granted. Stop making an effort and see if she notices. If she gets upset, then you know she's a friend and she's just let things slip. If she doesn't then.... is she really much of a loss?
     
  6. picaresque

    picaresque Mongrelist

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2009
    Messages:
    4,665
    Likes Received:
    6,874
    Does sounds like the friendship is very one-sided. Depression can cause one to withdraw but the selfish and grabby behaviour is down to her. Sad as it is when you've been friends so long it might be better for you if you keep her at arm's length.
     
  7. CuddleMonster

    CuddleMonster PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2016
    Messages:
    2,903
    Likes Received:
    4,649
    Sorry, but I don't agree. Love isn't selfish. I've been friends with my best friend for nearly 35 years and I can't imagine a situation where either of us would behave like this to the other. One person making all the effort is ok when it's a crisis situation like bereavement, but normally there should be some give and take.

    Depression is a horrible thing, and I know it comes and goes, but look at the facts:

    She is well enough to work part time - but not able to repay the money she borrowed from you.

    She is well enough to go out to events she knows you would like - but not well enough to tell you about them

    She is well enough to get a tattoo done - but not up to buying you a Christmas present...

    It can be hard to let go of childhood friends, but sometimes we have to accept that we have outgrown each other and move on. It sounds as if you are a really good friend...so get out there and find some other people who will appreciate your friendship and not just your bank balance!
     
  8. Kimmikins

    Kimmikins PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2016
    Messages:
    3,321
    Likes Received:
    7,362
    Sometimes you need to dump friends just like you’d dump a partner. If the relationship isn’t bringing you joy, isn’t fulfilling your needs for what a friendship should be, then you should end it.

    You can either confront them about it, or you can let the friendship peter out naturally; if she values you at all she will make an effort.

    It sounds harsh, but sometimes it’s for the best. I’ve broken up with a couple of friends over the years; my motto is that I’d rather spend my effort on a few great friends than on ones who don’t return the favour.
     
  9. Little P

    Little P PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2014
    Messages:
    2,871
    Likes Received:
    3,069
    What precisely are you getting out of this friendship?

    I have a good friend I've known for almost 20 years. We both have very busy and very different lives and don't live close. Over the years we've been to school, college and university together, we've shared houses and we've worked together. We now see each other once or twice a year because of living a reasonable distance apart and having busy schedules. But if she or I need anything, the other would drop everything to move heaven and earth to help the other.
     
    Calvine, Kittynanna and Jackie C like this.
  10. Jackie C

    Jackie C Cat slave

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2016
    Messages:
    1,822
    Likes Received:
    3,233
    It's hard when you've known someone for virtually your entire life, we're both 43. We do have a good time when we're together, and we do think alike in many ways.

    I've talked about it with my OH a few times, and did again over tea today, and he's noticed how selfish she can be. He's told me this a few times. I honestly think she doesn't realise.

    I think, sadly, this is the right thing to do. Whilst I won't completely break off contact or ignore her, I am going to "test the waters". ie: Not ring her, or arrange anything with her. IF she gets in contact to say "Hello", or "How are you?" or asks me out somewhere, I'll reply. But if she doesn't, I know where I am in her life. Simple and obvious.


    TBH, I've kind of known this for a while (a year or two, in all honesty), writing it all down and having a good old rant has made me think and focus, and it all added up the more I wrote. I also think I needed the frank honesty from "strangers" to focus on the plain facts.
    It's just hard, as I don't make friends (I mean real friends) easily. I have lots of "mates", but only very few close friends. So once someone has become a real friend, it's hard to let go.

    Thank you all for your absolute logic and honesty.
     
    ribbon, MontyMaude, Calvine and 8 others like this.
  11. Mirandashell

    Mirandashell Banned

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2017
    Messages:
    6,533
    Likes Received:
    7,596
    It's always tough to let go of a long-established relationship. But I hope we are all wrong and she doesn't realise how much she's taking you for granted and it does make her think about it. Fingers crossed it works out for the best.
     
    ribbon, Kimmikins, LinznMilly and 2 others like this.
  12. SusieRainbow

    SusieRainbow Moderator
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2013
    Messages:
    10,240
    Likes Received:
    13,248
    @Jackie C
    I really feel for you. A few years ago my friend from 40 years and I parted company - we'd met as Pre-nursing students , gone through training together , and continued to meet up once a week for shopping, coffee etc. But we both gradually changed - I was ,still am, happily married, she was single. We both had other friends too. The crux came when I went on holiday with her and 2 of her friends , they all had more money than me which was a big issue as I couldn't really afford all the meals out involved and I was accused of being 'tight'. She'd forgotten the times I'd treated her when she was skint and I felt utterly betrayed.It was hard after all those years and I was full of self doubt for a while , but then rediscovered the pleasure of OH's company and felt a sense of relief that I could be totally myself with no-one to keep up with.
     
    cheekyscrip, Calvine, MrsZee and 4 others like this.
  13. catz4m8z

    catz4m8z PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2008
    Messages:
    20,280
    Likes Received:
    4,714
    Testing the waters sounds like a good idea, you dont want to lose a friend if its all unintentional but you also dont want to keep someone around who is just using you.
    My best friend and I have a similar dynamic but she is the doormat in the relationship!:Shy I never want to go out anywhere (I really hate 'doing things') and it honestly doesnt occur to me to phone her as often as she phones me so I rarely seem to make the effort! Also she would lend you anything, help you out with any situation and much as I love her I actually do try and curb her doormat tendencies for her own good!LOL
    However constantly borrowing money and changing plans/not telling you is either just rude or a passive aggressive way to end the friendship.
     
    rona, LinznMilly and Jackie C like this.
  14. Lurcherlad

    Lurcherlad PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2013
    Messages:
    17,946
    Likes Received:
    21,851
    I've had a couple of "friends" like this - both for 20 odd years.

    The saying "a friend in need, is a friend in deed" certainly rang true and I was definitely a useful and reliable support system for them, but found them somewhat lacking when I needed a bit in return.

    They both seemed to make more effort for people they apparently didn't even like very much than they did for me.

    More and more I felt I was making all the effort and getting very little back and after a couple of things happened I just decided I deserved better and retreated.

    I don't regret it tbh
     
    ribbon, cheekyscrip, Calvine and 2 others like this.
  15. Jackie C

    Jackie C Cat slave

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2016
    Messages:
    1,822
    Likes Received:
    3,233
    I can understand that. I don't always want to "do things", in many ways I am introverted. I like my own company, can happily be in all day on my own, etc.

    Thing is, I don't actually text her a lot, or ring a lot. I don't actually ask her out a lot or visit a lot. If I rang her every week, or text her everyday, or wanted to go out all the time, I could understand this, but I don't. I might post her something funny on FB, or ask her about her tattoo. A couple of weeks ago, her cat died, and I text her a few times, as I wanted to make sure she was okay, but that was more messaging than usual. My Mum is also still in my home town, and I'll just say to my friend "Oh, I'm going to my mum's, I was going to pop round for a quick cuppa if you're in." This might literally be once a month. It's mostly just that, for an hour or even just half an hour. I probably usually text her once or twice a week (apart from times like when her cat died), sometimes a few weeks go by without anything and then we have a short text conversation. Although, TBH, I initiate most of it. Sometimes I ask her if she fancies going out for lunch, or if she fancies going out in an evening. But this is once every few months, maybe 4 times a year?
    Or when she's been feeling low, I've asked her if she fancies "going out, getting drunk and slagging off men." Or if she just fancies a takeaway, a few beers or wine and a Game of Thrones marathon (for example). She seems to have enjoyed these evenings, and appreciated the company. I don't force myself on her, and I've said, "If you don't fancy company, and want to be on your own, no problem."

    I'm not the type of person who would drop everything for her on her whim, I'm not that kind of person, plus my shift pattern dictates A LOT of my social life anyway, as I work a lot of nights and weekends. Also, if I've not fancied something, I will say so. In fact, my OH, and her and her partner have gone places I didn't fancy going. So I don't really see myself as much of a doormat.

    It does sound like she's trying to get rid of me as a friend, but she doesn't completely ignore me, which is what I don't get if she was trying to get rid of me.

    The sad part is, is that she has a 12 year old son, who I love.

    I guess I'll just not contact her, or ask her out or ask what she's up to, and see what happens.
     
    #15 Jackie C, Dec 31, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2017
  16. MrsZee

    MrsZee Guest

    I agree that just talking honestly about how you feel might end up making your friendship better. It is like you said, she never even thought about it, and now she has a chance to do it. Good luck!
     
    Jackie C likes this.
  17. Jackie C

    Jackie C Cat slave

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2016
    Messages:
    1,822
    Likes Received:
    3,233
    I have a week off, second week in January. I told her when we met up on 29th, and said, "If you fancy it, we could do something." It's the week I'm also getting my tattoo done. I might not contact her, and see what happens.
     
  18. steveshanks

    steveshanks PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2015
    Messages:
    3,926
    Likes Received:
    5,508
    It may not be that she is trying to get rid of you, it may be that she's the same with all her friends, some people are takers and some are givers.
     
    LinznMilly and Jackie C like this.
  19. CuddleMonster

    CuddleMonster PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2016
    Messages:
    2,903
    Likes Received:
    4,649
    I really hope it's not this, but how many times does she initiate contact when she doesn't want you to do something for her (e.g. lend money) I can understand you not wanting to lose contact with her son, and you may decide it is worth persevering with the friendship to maintain contact with him, but make sure you are not being treated as your 'friend's' personal piggy bank. You deserve much better.
     
    LinznMilly, KittenKong and Jackie C like this.
  20. Jackie C

    Jackie C Cat slave

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2016
    Messages:
    1,822
    Likes Received:
    3,233
    I have always noticed her to be more of a receiver than a giver, but I've always known her to be like that, it was just her personality. Her parents are selfish people, I remember when I was a kid how selfish they were in comparison to my parents. I never said anything to her, but it's just things I often noticed.
    I was always brought up to share, and (most of the time) I did. She was not. It's just daft stuff, for example, when we went to the seaside, my mum & dad would buy us both an ice-cream. If money was tight, they would either buy two small ones or none. Either all children shared/got one, or none did. No child would have been left out.
    But I do have a memory of going out with her family when I was very little, and them all getting ice-creams. I was asked if I wanted one, and I said, "Yes, please." I was then asked, "Do you have the money then?" I didn't. I didn't get an ice-cream. It could be a long-remembered dream, but TBH it's too detailed & vivid and too long ago to be a dream. I know it's only a little thing, but it is a reflection of their selfishness.

    My friend is kind of self-aware of her potential selfishness, in that she says she really tries not to be like her mother (when it comes to rearing her son), who she said was selfish when she was a kid. And a couple of years ago, I told her the ice-cream story, saying, "I don't think it was a dream." And she said, "I can't remember it, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was true." She also said she loved coming to my house to play, as my mum and dad would always play card games with us, or just have fun with us, or we'd go out. Activities that never involved spending much money, but were fun. She's never directly said, but it's obvious her childhood was not the happiest.

    Despite this, I can't go on allowing our relationship to be one-sided.

    The more I think about it, not that often! (Although I haven't lent her money that often, really.) Thinking about it, the last time she contacted me to ask me when I was next visiting (my home town), it was because she wanted me to sign her son's passport. I said I was busy working, and it would be a few weeks, but I said if she wanted to come through to me, she was quite welcome. She did not, and later said that she got someone else to do it instead. There has been the occasional text message from her initiating something, but nothing of significance. She has very occasionally popped through to me when they have been close by when they've been going elsewhere.
     
    #20 Jackie C, Dec 31, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2017
    KittenKong likes this.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice