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I'm such a bad mummy, and I hate myself

Discussion in 'Dog Chat' started by Westcoast20, Jan 13, 2020.


  1. Westcoast20

    Westcoast20 PetForums Newbie

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    I posted in the rainbow bridge post a few days ago so the post there explains it better.

    I feel so guilty it's unreal I loved my baby so much, so I just can't get my head around why I said no to her ashes it tearing me apart and I can't do anything to change the situation and I don't think I can carry on with life as the guilt is weighing me down I feel like I'm drowning.
    If you read the other post you will know she was a shared dog both with different views.
    The vet on the day was horrible so pushy trying to rush us made us go and pay for her to be PTS while they took her away to put cannula in how do they expect you to think and make decisions when she's still alive. When my friend signed the papers at the till I know I should have said wait I do want her ashes but I couldn't get the words out I was just staring at the paper.
    When vet brought her back it was so quick and wouldn't let us stay with her for a few minutes after I begged her she agreed but wasn't happy gave about a minute.

    My friend feels comfort in the fact she's no longer suffering and at peace and that the body is just a shell after her passing and the ashes wouldn't given her comfort just freaked her out.

    Why can't I have that peace. Why am having this torture I feel I let her down and that I can't have possibly loved her otherwise I would have said yes. I betrayed her and resting place is an hours drive away from me and she was creamted with other pets at least I think she was we paid for cremation but no ashes returned, the vet didn't even know where she was going as she was locum I have had to chase all this after, I know I should have asked at the desk but felt rude as they was busy on the phone dealing with clients it was a busy morning clinic.

    I bet every single owner has the ashes or brings them home but not me a horrible worthless mummy I don't deserve to ever be happy again
     
  2. Beth78

    Beth78 PetForums VIP

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    Don't be so hard on yourself, just because you said no the ashes it doesn't mean you love your dog any less.
    Try to focus on your happy memories with her and how happy and comfortable her life was because of you.
    Everyone feels guilt when they lose a loved one, it will pass eventually.
    You do deserve to be happy.
     
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  3. Billbailey

    Billbailey Banned

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    Do you have any photos of her? Maybe you could get one of those printed up and framed on your wall so you can look up and see her? I have one of my old dogs as photo on the wall. I didn't want the ashes but the photo is a lovely reminder of him as he was as a loved pet and a missed companion.

    As for guilt, it's always a traumatic experience even when the vet is understanding and gives you time. You didn't do anything wrong. You were in shock and caught up in a situation you had no control over. What happened is no reflection on how much you loved and cared for her. Absolutely none, I promise.
     
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  4. Lurcherlad

    Lurcherlad PetForums VIP

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    I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad about this but having the ashes back really didn’t help me that much in the grieving process tbh.

    The important thing is your beloved pet is not suffering and time really will help you process the feelings and emotions.

    It’s quite normal to feel guilty as we rarely feel we could possibly know what the right decision is in times like these.

    Look back at the happy memories you have and allow yourself time to adjust.

    We never truly get over the loss but we learn to accept it and carry on with our memories of the times we shared.
     
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  5. Torin.

    Torin. PetForums VIP

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    lorilu and Westcoast20 like this.
  6. Westcoast20

    Westcoast20 PetForums Newbie

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    Thank you I have a few nice pictures of her from 2018 I will have printed out and framed, a few from 2019 but she looked so ill in her last year with no fur and a poorly nose which took 8 months of weekly vet trips to finally be believed that it was infection and nothing else tried alsorts it wouldn't get better no vet would believe me then finally an abscess came on her little face gave her antibiotics and her nose finally cleared up after months of suffering.
     
  7. Westcoast20

    Westcoast20 PetForums Newbie

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    Thank you for the kind words
     
  8. Westcoast20

    Westcoast20 PetForums Newbie

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    Thank you for the kind words
     
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  9. Westcoast20

    Westcoast20 PetForums Newbie

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  10. McKenzie

    McKenzie PetForums VIP

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    When my first cat passed away in traumatic circumstances I wasn’t home and my mum took her to the vet and there were no ashes. I made a sort of scrapbook page for her which I then put on the wall, it had some photos of her and her collar stuck on it and some nice words. I actually found the process quite therapeutic. I still have it even thought she died over 15 years ago.

    When my recent cat passed 2 months ago I got her ashes, but it doesn’t make it any easier. The little box is a reminder of her, but it’s not her, she’s gone. Whether I have her ashes or not doesn’t change that and doesn’t change the feelings of loss.
     
  11. Happy Paws2

    Happy Paws2 PetForums VIP

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    I'm sorry you are having such a bad time, losing a pet can be very traumatic and the guilt we feel is only natural, should we have done this, should we have done that, but truth is we all did our best for them.

    Think about planting a rose or small shrub in her favorite place in the garden with a small plaque with your her name on. We have two solar lights in the garden one for Dillon and one for Amber, so at night after a sunny day we have two lights shinning in the garden for them.
     
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  12. Eevee boo

    Eevee boo PetForums Newbie

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    I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much with the guilt that comes with grief.
    My cat had to be put to sleep just before Xmas. We had always said we wanted her home in her own surroundings... but it didn’t work out like that.
    I felt guilty she was all alone, that I didn’t say goodbye, that my husband and children didn’t say goodbye.....that she might have been suffering longer than we knew.... the list goes on.
    It’s a completely natural feeling that comes with the loss of a loved one... but don’t let it get out of hand. Talk to someone from blue cross, they can really help.
    You must have been the best loving mummy ever, because you feel so hurt and bad, so please don’t think otherwise.
     
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  13. Blitz

    Blitz PetForums VIP

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    I have never wanted ashes back. They mean nothing to me, it is the dog and the memories that matter. A few pictures sound a nice idea.
     
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  14. Moonshine1217

    Moonshine1217 PetForums Newbie

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    When I lost my first dog we didn't have much money and couldn't afford at that time to get her individually cremated I have her collar wrapped round a flower pot, with a picture of her next to it. It makes me happy when I look at it reminds me of her as I don't have her ashes with me. Might help you feel a bit closer to her. You will get there it's so hard when you first lose a dog they are your family.
     
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  15. mrs phas

    mrs phas karma is a funny old thing

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    I don't, not one,
    I've had my own dogs from the age of 16 (paid with by myself)
    I've never wanted their ashes, not even of my heart dog, in fact, with all due respect, I've found the thought of having ashes in the house somewhat macabre and it gives me the shudders
    Having their ashes there or not, gives no indication that you are a horrible owner
    Its what you did when the dog was alive and what you did to alleviate any pain and misery she was in, that count
    Life is what counts, death is a full stop to that, you obviously loved your pet dearly, what you do for her now is irrelevant, to her, and, I'm sure she wouldn't want you to be so unhappy, because you did the last good thing any owner can do for their pet
     
  16. puppymadness

    puppymadness PetForums Senior

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    I'm so sorry for your loss, you are not a bad mummy unfortunately guilt is part of the grieving process. For months after losing Bella I thought I should have got a 2nd opinion did I give up to easily but deep down I know it was the right thing it's just the guilt talking.
    Having her ashes is not having her. Honour her in a different way, Bella died Christmas 2018 so on her anniversary we planted a Christmas tree in the garden. Some lovely suggestions here but please don't put so much pressure on yourself at this time x
     
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  17. lorilu

    lorilu PetForums VIP

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    I have never had any interest in keeping the ashes of my cats. They've all gone to the same communal cremation and pet cemetery my vet uses, except three who are actually buried elsewhere. I wish I'd chosen the same for those three, but they are buried together, anyway.

    I'm sorry you had such a traumatic experience, there should be no guilt on your end, if anyone should be feeling shame it should be the vet who showed no compassion or caring or understanding or patience. I've always been given all the time I want or need to say good bye to a pet, including after they had the final shot. Not to mention to make those decisions about ashes and all.

    You will feel better than this, but it will take time. You are still in shock and grieving. Please be gentle with yourself and most importantly, do not compare your reactions to your loss to your friend's reaction. Everyone deals with these things in their own way, there is no right or wrong..
     
  18. Burrowzig

    Burrowzig PetForums VIP

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    I'm another that doesn't want the ashes. I don't see why a pot of grit would help the grieving process. The dog is gone, the love stays with you.
     
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  19. Westcoast20

    Westcoast20 PetForums Newbie

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    Thank you everyone for your kind words of support.
     
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