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I need advice (adult maybe)

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by seanmac, Nov 25, 2012.


  1. seanmac

    seanmac PetForums Senior

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    My son is almost 7months old and from the day my partner found out she was pregnant she wont come near me, today we wont out for a good drink and had a great night but still no spark from her, i cant do anything.

    Im about this far from calling it a day, i love her to bits more than life its self but i have never felt so alone in my life, when i tell her this she just get angry, im at a loose end :(
     
  2. hawksport

    hawksport Banned

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    Literally......
     
  3. CharleyRogan

    CharleyRogan PetForums VIP

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    Why don't you go away for a weekend break or something, without your son. Have some alone time together. She is probably tired because she is a relatively new mum, and looking after a baby is hard work and stressful but she needs to understand how you feel and getting angry about it isn't the way to deal with it. You can only do so much, and if you feel that you can't be with her then its better for both of you.
     
  4. MissShelley

    MissShelley PetForums VIP

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    Leave her alone and stop pressuring her.

    Honestly, her life and body have gone through absolute turmoil, her life and her body will not feel like her own anymore. Back off comepletely. Think about what you can do to help her, to ease her burdens.

    You say you love her more than anything, yet your willing to walk away because your not getting your end of way? Great! Mind you don't threaten that though, because you will be finding yourself sleeping on the street, literally.

    She already has one child, she does not need another one.
     
  5. LostGirl

    LostGirl PetForums VIP

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    You love her but want to walk away coz your not getting anything selfish really

    She's carried YOUR child for 9months had her body change, her hormones go through so much!

    Talk to her let her know you love her, don't put any pressure on her or she'll clam up even more

    You come last sadly the baby come a first, then her needs then yours
     
  6. welshjet

    welshjet PetForums VIP

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    Go back to romance - forget nookie

    Go back to the very basics of your relationship - forget pressure and expectations

    Most of all, talk to each other
     
  7. Firedog

    Firedog PetForums VIP

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    I don't know if you work full time or help in the house but the way to worm your way back into her affections is to help around the house and maybe look after the little one so she can get a bath in peace and just other little gestures.If she is not feeling so tired then maybe she will have some time for you.
     
  8. PembrokeMadhouse

    PembrokeMadhouse PetForums VIP

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    I would back off, sounds like she has a bit of post natal depression and just needs time ... and it can, unfortunately for the man involved, take years ... and you'll just have to be patient ... as somebody else says ... unfortunately you're last in the pile of needs ... but that's normal in family life ... it will come good, but 7 months is no time at all ... and when they hit teenagers, it all goes to pot again! :rolleyes:
     
  9. GoldenShadow

    GoldenShadow PetForums VIP

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    You say 'when I tell her this'. What about if you try to discuss it? Maybe she's not the talking type, but maybe if you ask her how she's feeling, and if she is happy, what perhaps you could do to make her even happier, and see what she says.

    I think Miss Shelley's post is bang on, tbh. She doesn't need another child who, because he's not getting what he would like, is considering disappearing. You need to be the other half of her which can hold her up if she needs it and take over for a while when things get tough.

    I don't think I would feel like my OH loved me if I found out he was prepared to walk away. The day he considers walking away is the day he doesn't love me as far as I'm concerned, because if he did there is no way he would walk away from me unless it was what I wanted too.
     
  10. noogsy

    noogsy PetForums VIP

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    when some people become mums they become totally obsorbed and obsessed with said baby.it for some is a primal thing and she wont realise or care you are put out.she is making sure said offspring makes it and is healthy and becomes their full potential.she could have postnatal depression or be still in throws of baby blues which can be hormones all over the place.she may be breat feeding or just stopped feeding.i didnt have a realationship when i was feeding( i had a permenant snarl of my face...lol)does she grow horns, talons and a tail at the mention of being seprerated from the baby.if so she has the whole motherhood has taken over..i was like that till my babies were about 2 years old.AS FOR CALLING IT A DAY.CATCH A GRIP SON.......LOL.if you are really worried about her talk to the dr or health visitor.but i think she is probably fairly normal.her baby is her first and only priority just now and for ever :eek:
     
  11. JAChihuahua

    JAChihuahua PetForums VIP

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    It was almost 18months from the time my first child was born before I was ready to resume regular bedtime relations with my hubby and there were so many reasons for this.


    Concious I might not be quite the same "down there"
    feeling undesirable as my body had changed so much
    parts of my body had become non-sexual and merely for feeding baby/pushing baby into the world
    I was the person who did most of the night feeds and so was continually exhausted
    for a while I was just "mum" I wasnt me anymore, I wasnt wife or friend either, I was totally focussed on this little pink thing which needed me 24/7, there just didnt seem to be time for "me" let alone "him" and "us".

    After about a year I started slowly socialising again, without baby on my hip. I went back to work (which for me helped and for others doesnt) and started to take up my old hobbies and interests again. It also coincided with my hubby taking over some of the night duty, doing the washing and helping with other cooking and housework duties. We worked as a team and as more of "me" came back then it followed that more of "us" was found with it.

    It was hard, but my god if he had dared to throw a juvenile tantrum about sexual intercourse I would have kicked him in the goolies.

    You have a hand, use it. And in the meantime start romancing your girl and taking some of the pressure of everyday life from her, NOT sulking as you havent dipped your wick in a while.

    Surely you are not with your girl just because of what she has between her legs? If thats the case then I'm sorry she is better off without you. Sex is important I know, but before you get back to sex you need to show each other that the love and trust is still there - even with this new baby who has turned all your lives upside down.
     
    Firedog likes this.
  12. JAChihuahua

    JAChihuahua PetForums VIP

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    I forgot to point out that I had awful post natal depression too, and would take almost any comment right out of context and see it as a personal insult and proof of what a failure I was as mum, wife, lover, career woman and general person.

    Please consider that your girlfriend may also be suffering and your attitude really isnt going to be helping things.
     
  13. seanmac

    seanmac PetForums Senior

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    Its not getting my end away there is nothing cuddles, kisses or holding hands. I dont care about not getting laid just want a cuddle everyonce in a blue moon, i do the night feeds and look after the baby all day every day even on here days off.
     
  14. kodakkuki

    kodakkuki PetForums VIP

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    I'm not a mother, or wife, or even a g.f ( :( ) but had a wee plan...
    Call a sitter- ideally a parent that our wife trusts 110%- to take baby for the night. Cook her dinner, play her fav music, get her fav movie out an just pamper her. Make it clear this is all for her, and you don't want anything in return, and just let her talk... About anything and everything. Ask her how she is Really feeling these days with the baby, and if she does give a slight impression of pnd ask if there is anything you can do to make her feel better; would she like you to go with her to see a doctor for support.

    Most people think of post natal depression as the mother trying to kill the child- that is only >1% of cases. But it os a horrible thing to go through alone, and a lot of women feel that asking for help is admitting failure.
    You need to be the strength she doesn't have at the moment, and if you ask her Exactly what she needs from you, the cuddles will follow.
     
  15. seanmac

    seanmac PetForums Senior

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    If it was not just having sex i would be happy, but there is nothing no emotion from her in a loving manner any more what so ever, i get the odd note saying i love you, but she dont say it to me, she wont hold my hand give me a cuddle.

    Its very sad and depressing, esp when i been battling depression for 5 years now and have huge abandonment fears, i literally feel she is about to walk at some point, i am not sure i could ever handle another person walking out on me again, am really worried. She is a nurse and her colleges would have noticed if she has Post natal depression im sure.

    I tried to talk about it and she says im being silly, but my friends even notice it now.

    Maybe its more being fearful i dunno, maybe i should talk to my team and see if its me.
     
  16. kodakkuki

    kodakkuki PetForums VIP

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    You can't assume that, you just can't. Your her partner, it will be assumed that you are watching out for things like that- if someone at work did suspect they probably wouldn't say because its not their place.
     
  17. LostGirl

    LostGirl PetForums VIP

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    No they wouldnt notice, You become very very good at putting a face on that everything is perfect.


    Honestly hormones are a very very funny thing, You have to realise its not about you anymore your feelings arent the most important thing to her. Write her little notes just to say your there and you love her, that you and her have made an amazing little person e.t.c Your proud of her being the mum of your baby, to be working when hes so little etc

    It takes such a long time to get over giving birth sometimes, everyone is different. You have to give her time if you have made a big deal or commented about sex it might be that everytime you want a cuddle in her head it means sex.
     
  18. PembrokeMadhouse

    PembrokeMadhouse PetForums VIP

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    sounds a lot like PND to me ... and no her friends wouldn't necessarily notice it ... and your friends probably don't understand what's going on in her head ... think we all jumped down your throat to start with, but it sounds like you're doing a fair bit to help ... depression is a funny thing, and I have had it for a long while... it can manifest itself in many different ways and "going into oneself" is one of them, not wanting to be cuddled, touched or even complimented ... how can you be doing a good job when you feel like ****, look like ****, have this thing that demands all your attention 100% of the time ... you just don't want to know ... if she sent you an "I love you" note, send her one back ... put one on the baby's bottle when she's feeding, or just anywhere ... it sounds like she can write her feels but just not say them ...
    I doubt she will abandon you, she has your love and support and your baby ... just hang on in there and try to accept that things might be platonic for a while, but if she does something, reciprocate it (like the notes) ... perhaps try the babysitter route, but don't talk about the relationship, go and do something you liked doing before kids like bowling or cinema ... something "neutral" ... x
     
  19. seanmac

    seanmac PetForums Senior

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    Can i point out i get up at 4,30am everyday do her breakfast before she leaves for work, i do all the housework, i cook every meal every day of the week.

    Only today did she do some tidying as i snapped a bit as she moaned about the mess, and i said well maybe if i got some help (her brother who is 36lives with us) doing the house work i dont only tidy for me, you and the baby i am also clearing up after your brother.

    Lochlan is not a well baby either so i dont sleep at night much due to him being sick and him being unsettled.

    I think il see my shrink this week, as not sure if im just run down and looking at everything wrongly
     
  20. JAChihuahua

    JAChihuahua PetForums VIP

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    I'm sorry I was so harsh on you, your original post came across as you being in a sulk about sex, now that you have posted more its not about sex its about being in a loving relationship. I apologise for getting the wrong end of the stick.

    I too am in the medical profession and not one of my colleagues was aware of my PND until it had almost consumed my life, it wasnt until I couldnt control it interfering with my work life (when I reached rock bottom) that they even thought I might have been suffering. I was very good at hiding it, maybe better than most because of the job that I do.

    PND affects every woman differently, and if she is withdrawing from you its normal, as is allowing you to take over nearly all of the baby care (the opposite is also normal, as I said, every woman is different). PND doesnt only effect women too, but dads aswell. Some studies suggest that dads in the main caregiver roll are also just as likely to suffer PND. Again normal symptoms would include feeling neglected by your OH, and every knockback is felt like a HUGE thing when in reality it might not be. If your friends are seeing mood changes, perhaps you could visit the gp to rule out PND for yourself too. Maybe when she has wanted a hug you have been busy with a feed/nappychange/bathtime and you havent noticed how down she has been about it too.

    I would pack your youngster off to the grandparents for a night, cook a nice meal, and then tell her how unhappy you are. You need to be rational about it, and not place all the blame at her door, as main caregiver for a baby you will have been neglectful (justifiably and unintentionally) of her needs too. Maybe she feels a bit usurped (like many dads do) in your feelings, and is struggling to come to terms that neither of you come first in each others eyes anymore.

    If you think she wont listen, try writing her a letter. Let it be about how its making you feel, not about what you do or dont get/do or dont want. Tell her what your missing but tell her why, and for goodness sake keep telling her how much she means to you and how much you love her.

    Good luck xxx
     
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