Welcome!

Welcome to PetForums, the UK's most popular and friendly pet owners community. Please 'Sign Up' if you'd like to take part and contribute to our forum.

Sign Up

I couldn’t be there to watch my boy pass , and now will never forgive myself

Discussion in 'Rainbow Bridge' started by Boocat73, Jun 28, 2018.


  1. Boocat73

    Boocat73 PetForums Junior

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2014
    Messages:
    65
    Likes Received:
    6
    Dear all,
    Firstly I’m so sorry for all your loses .. the pain is so raw as we lost our beloved 16 year old bengal boy yesterday after 4 years of illness and finally after 3 very bad last months where he was diagnosed with lymphoma. It was a dreadful time and we now wish we had chosen to put him out if his misery before we began leukaran etc . I’m afraid I was so emotional at the vets that I asked them to take him from me and sat in the car . The vet nurses know him well and phoned later to say he died in one of my favourite ones arms . Now I feel I let him utterly down and feel I should never own an animal again. He was in a very bad way but I owed him that dignity .
    Please please , if anyone else has done the same I would be so grateful to hear .. I don’t deserve to feel better But really would appreciate your views .

    My love to you all at this oh so painful time .
     
  2. Linda Weasel

    Linda Weasel PetForums Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2014
    Messages:
    359
    Likes Received:
    134
    You did your best for him, which is what counts.

    If you were very distraught he would have been upset himself, which wouldn't have helped him.

    Please don't beat yourself up over this. We all think back over these situations and feel bad/guilty about something else we would have, could have, should have done. I think it's part of the grief.

    Sorry for your loss, we don't forget them but it gets better when you can focus on the good memories and not the final few.
     
  3. Boocat73

    Boocat73 PetForums Junior

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2014
    Messages:
    65
    Likes Received:
    6
     
  4. Boocat73

    Boocat73 PetForums Junior

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2014
    Messages:
    65
    Likes Received:
    6
    Thank you so very much for your kind reply . I hope I can move on and remember him as the strong youthful boy he was and not what he had become . He made our lives so much better and now a light has gone out forever x

    I will try to forgive myself but it will be hard . Your words are truly a comfort though , thank you x
     
  5. Teddy-dog

    Teddy-dog PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2017
    Messages:
    1,525
    Likes Received:
    2,793
    I'm so sorry for you loss. Please try not to beat yourself up about it, you did what was best for him and that's all he could have asked for. If you had been distressed in the vets then this would have fed onto him, animals are very sensitive to our emotions, so perhaps it was best to let him go peacefully in the arms of the vet nurse, they loved him too and will have been calm and kind with him xx

    Not exactly the same, but our old Border collie passed away in the vets. I was away, but he had gone down hill very quickly over a weekend and my parents took him to the vet, he had an abscess on his liver and needed surgery straight away. My parents went home and the vet rang that night to say that he was still recovering from the surgery and hadn't fully come round yet but seemed to be doing OK and did they want to come and see him, though the nurse stressed he wasn't fully aware so probably wouldn't know they were there. It was late at night and my mum decided it was best to let him recover in peace and go down in the morning. Unfortunately he died overnight and my mum always feels guilty she never went to see him. I always tell her that he wouldn't have known if she had gone, as he wasn't aware, and he had a good life and he knew he was loved.

    You always feel 'what if', it's hard but it gets better. Be kind to yourself xx
     
  6. CristineL92

    CristineL92 PetForums Newbie

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2018
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    I am terribly sorry for your loss. Today I suffered the loss of my best friend and also couldn't be present. Know that you did not let him down. Sometimes it's best for some people to sit outside. Animals can sense emotions, seeing you in a distressed state could have made him stressed too. Look at the long and loving life you have given him. You're grieving as am I, I kept tossing and turning trying to find a source of blame. I blamed myself, blamed other people and got moments of pure anger all in the same moment. Grief is a powerful thing. People like you should 100% have animals, why? because you love them and there are so many animals waiting for loving homes. If you ever do decide, know that you aren't betraying your boy. You gave him a wonderful life, what happened isn't your fault and you did all that you could to help him.

    Much love,
     
  7. Bertie'sMum

    Bertie'sMum PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2017
    Messages:
    1,787
    Likes Received:
    3,916
    "Weep not for me though I am gone into that gentle night. Grieve if you will, but not for long upon my soul's sweet flight. I am at peace, my soul is at rest, and there is no need for tears. For with your love I was so blessed for all those many years. There is no pain; I suffer not, the fear now all is gone. Put now these things out of your thoughts, in your memory I live on. Remember not my fight for breath Remember not the strife. Please do not dwell upon my death, but celebrate my life."
     
  8. Lurcherlad

    Lurcherlad PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2013
    Messages:
    17,084
    Likes Received:
    20,155
    You absolutely did not let him down. You made the very difficult decision to save him from suffering and I’m sure he felt safe and secure with the nurse. Ours are lovely and really care about the animals.

    He won’t have had any idea what was actually happening anyway.

    So sorry for your loss :(
     
  9. Boocat73

    Boocat73 PetForums Junior

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2014
    Messages:
    65
    Likes Received:
    6
    Oh my goodness how blessed I am to read all your kind and loving replies . Cristinel , my thoughts and prayers are going out to you tonight . You are so incredibly right.. thoughts of anger, extreme emotions are raging through my husband and I . Could we have saved him all this pain and stopped the drugs months ago .. will I have betrayed him not being their when he passed. Like you say , Lucherlad, our nurses are extremely loving and he knew them all . Hindsight is a powerful emotion right now .. to turn back the clock and chnage so many things .
    Teddy dog.. how awful for your poor parents night , and for you not being able to be home . How we all harbour these regrets when while our beloved animals live in the moment with no awareness of guilt or sadness .

    I thank you all with all my heart . If I hadn’t read your replies I don’t think I could have forgiven myself . You took the time out of your day and Cristinel I hope you will be alright tonight . I agree .. there are so many animals who need our care and love and I have learnt what never to do again x

    Love to you all
     
  10. SpencerK

    SpencerK PetForums Member

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2012
    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    47
    I did the same - one vet said its time, another vet said "we can do this" - even though my boy Barns was 16 and riddled with cancer - he was skinny and in pain. So I put him through two weeks of hell. I felt so bad - he was the most loving animal anyone could wish to meet. My other boy, Smeags, died last Thursday, this time I could make sure it was quick and painless. Three days before he went in, he was on his back in the garden. They found "accidentally" a giant tumour in his chest. He was losing weight, his breathing was getting bad - i just thought it was his teeth and old age; but when his purr changed I knew something worse was happening. He's purr sounded like Barnses. The loss is devastating, and the pain is always there. BUT, you have to give another cat a loving home. Do not do it for you, do it for the cat - when thinking of it like that, it makes it easier. And next time, you will make the right decision for you. x
     
  11. Boocat73

    Boocat73 PetForums Junior

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2014
    Messages:
    65
    Likes Received:
    6
     
  12. Boocat73

    Boocat73 PetForums Junior

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2014
    Messages:
    65
    Likes Received:
    6
    I am so very sorry for both your losses , especially as you too had to go through watching them suffer , but only through the want of you trying to make them better . It must be so dreadful to have both boys gone but am sure they had the most wonderful life with you . I too have another cat, a Russian girl who was like a sister to our boy and sadly she has suddenly gone down hill with stage 3/4 kidney disease . So a week after our beloved Bengals passing we are now getting ready to potentially go down the same route with her ..but like you with darling Smeags, this time I won’t let her suffer through countless vet trips and stays as she’s very sensitive .
    Thank you for your kind words and having had these few weeks to recover from feeling so incredibly guilty (I never fully will forgive myself ) we of course will one day get more darling pets .

    I so hope you can too do the same . Both Barns and Smeags sounded such adored and lovely boys . Xxxx
     
  13. SpencerK

    SpencerK PetForums Member

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2012
    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    47

    Thanks for the kind wishes. I can't stop thinking about him at the moment, its so awful. Even the vet saw how upset I was, and out of her own thoughts sent us a card saying we did the best thing, which does make me feel a bit better - but its just the loss, his lovely hair, his face - sleeping with him next to me. I will feel so alone now. This is a big price to pay for keeping cats, I know. But, I just find it too hard to except that something that can provide so much love and happiness can just be gone from your life in an instant. My best wishes for other cat.

    Spence
    xx
     
  14. Charity

    Charity Endangered Species

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2013
    Messages:
    17,221
    Likes Received:
    33,747
    I am so sorry for your loss and the situation with your other puss. A similar situation arose with our Siamese three years ago who had lymphoma. We went back and forth to the vets for eight months trying to find out what was wrong with our sick and ailing boy and it wasn't until he went to a specialist vet about 30 miles away they diagnosed cancer. I have lost many cats over the years but this was one of the worst. I agreed to an operation I wish now I hadn't as he suffered more and had I known before exactly what was wrong with him, I would have let him go earlier. He did die in my arms thankfully but he knew what was happening and didn't want to go and that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I just wish with all my heart things could have been different but they weren't so I try not to beat myself up about it or dwell on the details. He's at peace now which is really all that matters.

    it isn't your fault what happened at the end, if he was that close to dying, he wouldn't probably have been aware. It is the price we pay for loving our pets you're right and, sadly, we have to bear the pain which goes with loving an animal so much. But try to concentrate on all the precious wonderful days you spent together and how lucky you were to have him in your life. I made a photo book the days after and a memorial which kept him my boy alive to me.

    I also lost my two other cats that same year which caused me a lot of grief but time does lessen the pain. Thinking of you.
     
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice