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From baby to toddler - a quick guide to becoming an effective parent

Discussion in 'Dog Chat' started by classixuk, Jul 10, 2009.


  1. classixuk

    classixuk PetForums VIP

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    In the 4 weeks we have owned our pup, it never ceases to amaze me just how many people love to 'share' their opinion (whether solicited or not) on how we should be rearing, training and commanding our pup!

    Their tips and advice can vary so much, from one extreme to the other, that I have decided (perhaps wisely, perhaps foolishly), I should consider the results they have achieved with their human babies before following their doggy advice.

    So, in honour of the well meaning folk who feel the desire to inspire (or inflict) their advice onto me every other day, I thought I'd be inspired to write up their methods and supplement my puppy with their toddler to highlight just how shocking some of their "puppy training tips" actually are!

    Hope all the mums and dads enjoy...


    Life with your toddler


    Before we begin this short guide to parenting, we should begin by stating that cots are cruel.

    Many modern mums use cots for their toddlers nowadays, but this is just plain wrong. Humans were not born to live in cots. Would you like to live in a cot? Exactly.

    Your toddler should not ever be put in a cot as it will make him anxious. It's quite obviously cruel. If you do not believe us, just try putting your toddler in a cot and hear him cry. When toddlers are placed in cots, they will think they are being punished.

    Our advice is that you buy a king size double bed and place toddler in that to get him used to it for when he is older, or consider letting your toddler sleep with you every night. Putting him in a cot will damage your relationship forever when your toddler finally becomes an adult.

    So let's move on...

    Potty Training
    Up until now, your baby has been using a nappy that mum was responsible for changing. But now he is getting older, he must learn where the family want him to do his poos, otherwise he will use a nappy when he is 40.

    The best thing to do is make sure your toddler always has to use his potty in the same place.

    When he forgets, and accidentally soils his nappy, you must immediately take his soiled nappy and rub it all over his face...concentrate on smothering his nose and mouth where possible.

    Keep shouting "bad kid, bad kid" and then shove him in the room with his potty and slam the door.

    If he cries in that room; ignore him. He has to learn!

    Feeding
    There are many different foods available in your local supermarket, and the choice can be overwhelming!

    However, we have generally found that most stores nowadays cater for the nutritional needs of toddlers of all ages, and those foods can be found at or near the freezer section in an aisle marked "£1 or less".

    Popular foods for your toddler are frying chips, pizzas, ice lollies and sweets.

    Of the mothers in your child's nursery class, a select few might discuss with you the virtues of fresh fruit, vegetables and fresh meat in your toddler's diet and claim it leads to better health, concentration and development in your toddler.

    Whilst the above certainly will not hurt your child, we are not absolutely convinced that you should consider sacrificing your weekend bottle of vodka and your lambert and butler cigarettes to be able to afford it. After all, if frying chips and pizza were not equally as good for your toddler as these more expensive and supposedly better foods, then it is hardly likely that the food companies would be allowed to produce them; never mind advertise them on national television!

    Our kids have done just fine on ice lollies and chips all their life, so we think we know what we're talking about.

    Play and learning
    The best (and in our opinion, the only) form of play you should engage in with your toddler is rough, rough, rough!

    Games that our toddlers loved to play were things like "watch mummy look angry whilst she moderately slaps you about the mouth and tells you off if you bite her" and "watch mummy laugh in your face after she gives you the remote control for the TV and then grabs it off you as soon as you go to grab it".

    Another fun past time would be to give your toddler an old pair of your high heel shoes and let her try them on, draw on them with her crayons and put them in her toy box. Let her see what fun wearing mummy's shoes can be. However, if you ever catch her having fun with your other high heel shoes, punch her in the nose and tell her "leave my shoes alone you disgusting naughty girl".

    Maybe even throw her in the room with her potty to show you mean business. Kids have to learn!

    Socialising
    Your toddler's socialisation is very important. He needs to meet other toddlers so he can learn to interact and play.

    However, there are 2 problems with this process:
    1) Other, older and bigger toddlers, might bully your toddler or call him names. They might even make him catch a cold. To avoid this, simply pick up and carry your toddler every time you so much as see another toddler or child in the area.
    2) Even worse than the above, is if your toddler is the one who bullies others. In this instance, you obviously have a bad toddler and there is not much you can do about it. He simply does not like other toddlers, and in all probability, might even drift off to sleep dreaming of how he can punch little Jamie from 2 doors away once he arrives at nursery in the morning.

    There are other ways around both of the above, but we have generally found that the easiest solution is to keep your toddlers in the house at all times, because taking your toddler to nursery and dealing with these problems will just be too much hassle. It saves you the walk to the school gates anyway, so will suit you both in the long run.

    When you do have visitors, simply lock your toddler in the room where his potty is and do not allow him to mingle with your guests. Seeing as he is so bad with other toddlers that you have to keep him indoors, you should keep him away from grown-ups too. We cannot see any harm or long-term ill effects of using this technique.

    Health Problems
    Your toddler is going to eventually get sick.

    Rather than take him to your own doctor or hospital and waste your time simply holding his hand and letting him know you are there, or being available to answer all questions that the doctors or nurses might have about small changes in his behavior in order to reach the correct diagnosis, consider trying this...

    Find a friend's cousin who is in receipt of unemployment benefits, or someone else who receives states benefits, and ask them to take your toddler to the "PDST" - a charity hospital for toddlers born to poor people and where all treatments are FREE!! And let's face it, who doesn't like getting free prescriptions for their toddlers?

    Before your friend's cousin goes along and pretneds to be your toddler's dad, teach him your toddler's name and try to explain the illness as best you can. He can probably just blag the rest.

    Small details (like changes in behaviour) probably aren't important. The doctors at the PDST are not real people like you an I; they are psychic and do not need such trivial information like "have you noticed any lethargy lately?" or "has your toddler ever suffered an allergic reaction?" before they inject him with any fluids.

    In any instance, your toddler will feel just as comfortable and behave no differently for the doctor with your friend's cousin holding his hand as he would you, so in our opinion, saving the money on your toddler's prescriptions (= more money for vodka at the weekend) should be the only consideration when your toddler is unwell.

    Finally...
    We hope that this guide comes in useful to you and your child.
    Remember though, spread the word about good parenting to every other mum you see. If they object, or offer alternative methods to any of the above, quickly correct them and warn them that their toddler will never learn if they alter the techniques you are using from this guide. The best time to do this in our opinion, is as you watch their toddler happlily playing with others at the nursery gates, whilst yours is at home alone trying on your brand new high heels and eating her pizza.

    :smilewinkgrin::smilewinkgrin::smilewinkgrin:
     
    charlie9009 likes this.
  2. Sheltielady

    Sheltielady PetForums Junior

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    :eek:hmy: Both funny and yet shocking at the same time! It takes all sorts I guess, but don't you just wish some people would mind their own business! If they want to feed their "toddlers" chips and pizza fine, but you just give what you know is right foryour wee "toddler":biggrin:
     
  3. classixuk

    classixuk PetForums VIP

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    I know what you mean Sheltie.

    Honestly, if I had listened to half of the people who have been giving me advice with our puppy, he would be having his nose rubbed in his own pee and excrement, fed whatever was cheapest, have free run of the house with no rules or boundaries and walked every leap year.

    Hence the original post!

    :yikes:
     
  4. sequeena

    sequeena PetForums VIP

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    Some people I tell you :rolleyes:

    Great post :)
     
  5. goodvic2

    goodvic2 PetForums VIP

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    Very witty, I would love to speak to the people who have given you advice like this!

    x
     
  6. kelly

    kelly PetForums Member

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    sooooooooo true!!!!!!!

    very funny!
     
  7. _Lesley_

    _Lesley_ PetForums Member

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    Brilliant post - sadly so much of it is true :(
    Some people should learn to keep thier opinions to themselves.
     
  8. amanda123

    amanda123 PetForums Member

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    So funny! And very true...:)
     
  9. charlie9009

    charlie9009 PetForums Senior

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    That was a very good post, but unfortunatly very true aswell! I hate how people have to give you there opinions on how to do things when you can see how out of control their dog or child is! (We get both with having a puppy and a toddler! :rolleyes: )
     
  10. katiefranke

    katiefranke PetForums VIP

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    I am glad I am not the only one to keep getting this 'great advice'!! I completely know what you mean...

    xx
     
  11. CheekoAndCo

    CheekoAndCo PetForums VIP

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    I liked it up until the part about the PDSA. I know it's supposed to be a joke but not everyone who goes there gets other people to take their animal for them.. And your also asked for a donation so really it's not free.
     
  12. Birdie Wife

    Birdie Wife PetForums Member

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    I'm glad it's not just me :) my boss has been saying to me a lot recently "I think that pup needs a smack on the nose..." when she's getting excited over anything. Errr... 1. do I tell you how to bring up your kids? 2. would I ever tell you to smack your kids?? Er, no!!
     
  13. Badger's Mum

    Badger's Mum PetForums VIP

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    You wanted to speak to me!!, Sorry couldn't resist:D:D
     
  14. louiseddb

    louiseddb PetForums Junior

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    I see many people raising both dogs and kids this way (the ones that go on jeremy kyle show!!), not suprising the world is going the way it is. Ive done a course in behaviour and have a fair amount of experience in feeding my own dogs, tried and tested alot of foods to see whats the best for them, yet i still get people telling me things like they know better.

    My gran told me to rub my pups nose in her poo when she has an accident in the house, i didnt and she is now housetrained!

    My mum says im stupid for buying treats as they are a waste of money and they dont assist in training whatsoever.

    The same as i dont need to take these treats out on a walk with me to practice recall everyday, but is there a coincidence that my dogs are well behaved and have good recall and that hers dont even look back when she calls there name?

    I dont need to feed my dogs on barf and expensive royal canin, bakers is just fine and her dogs like it. My dog had a gastric torsion from her cheap biscuits and her dogs have sloppy poos on every walk.

    You also dont need to teach your dogs manners as its perfectly fine for them to knock you over barging past you down the stairs or going through a door.

    Telling a puppy to be quiet when shes attention seeking whilst in her crate isnt giving her attention.

    Dogs can eat curry it wont do them any harm.

    And im told to shutup and i dont know what im talking about when i tell them that their 10y.o dog is overweight and their is a risk of diabetes and lameness.:eek:
     
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