[charlie9009]

I have a sister, from the same parents (my brothers are all half and step brothers). She is just over a year younger than me, I think her birthday is december 1984, athough I'm not 100% sure. My mum gave her up for adoption as she tried, but couldn't cope with two children, being on her own aswell as our real dad moved to France. I know my mum found it the hardest thing she has ever done, and she thinks about her every day. She has always said that she would like me to find her, but I'm not sure if I want to. Does that make me selfish?

My mum would rather me do it as I think she is worried that my sister will hate her for what she did, and this is also one of the reasons why I don't want to find her, it will completely destroy my mum. Also I feel that if she wanted to know us, she would've found us by now, but she could also be feeling the same maybe?

Also I don't want to find her as I think I will be jealous (now this is selfish!). I have always been treated differently to my brothers, and that's not in my imagination, even my step dad says it. I think it's because she was so young when she had me so I stopped her living her life, she also had quite a bit of stick for it as she wasn't married and was a single parent, and because she felt she had to choose which child to keep when she realised she couldn't cope. I suppose I'm worried that I will find my sister and get pushed out more

Has anyone been through anything similar, or have any advice?

 

[Poppy09]

Not really any advise but I dont think you will ever be "pushed" out you will always have that special bond with your mother. Good Luck whatever you decide x

 

[LittleMissSunshine]

I am on the other side of the coin on this one, I want to track down my half sister...
That's a very long story but anyway,

I think you should do what ever you want to do and what ever you feel is appropriate and right for you and your circumstances. I learnt the hard way not to do things to please other people.

If your Mum wants to find her then maybe she needs to do it directly, that said some things are better left alone, but if there is unfinished business then maybe it's best your mum sorted things out with her...

Sorry, I'm not much help am I??:eek6:

 

[Georges Mum]

There is no right or wrong answer but there are three people to be considered in the equation - you your mum and also her feelings. Also perhaps the feelings of her adopted parents. How old would she be?

 

[CreativeLC]

Your not selfish as anyone in your position would have doubts and worries. Your Mum clearly wants and needs to find her so she can say all the things she has probably wanted to say for years.
Obviously you are trying to protect your Mum but also you which isn't a bad thing. What if this sister turns out to be uninterested in you and your Mum. You both will feel bad.
Don't put too much thought into it in case you can't find her and if you did she might not want to see you for some reason.
Just go with your hearts.

 

[mollyismyworld]

I think there are a lot of different issues in this, rather than the initial question of you being selfish.

I'm not sure, but I believe if someone wants to befound, they can register their own details, so maybe your sister is looking for you?

However, unless there is somebody on here trained to give you some very intimate advice, I would recommend you sit down as a family and agree to what you want to do.

You nedd to be prepared for so many raw and hidden feelings...your only real option is to have some sort of counselling to guide you all to a deciasion that doesn't help only one or two of you.

You could be opening a can of worms.

As a last thought, I think it's pretty unfair of your mum to be asking you to do the finding...she needs to be counselled to be ready for either rejection or a daughter she doesn't know.

It's too complex for a non-trained person to advise you on. Good luck. xx

 

[Georges Mum]

I think there are a lot of different issues in this, rather than the initial question of you being selfish.

I'm not sure, but I believe if someone wants to befound, they can register their own details, so maybe your sister is looking for you?

However, unless there is somebody on here trained to give you some very intimate advice, I would recommend you sit down as a family and agree to what you want to do.

You nedd to be prepared for so many raw and hidden feelings...your only real option is to have some sort of counselling to guide you all to a deciasion that doesn't help only one or two of you.

You could be opening a can of worms.

As a last thought, I think it's pretty unfair of your mum to be asking you to do the finding...she needs to be counselled to be ready for either rejection or a daughter she doesn't know.

It's too complex for a non-trained person to advise you on. Good luck. xx

well put - i totally agree

 

[charlie9009]

If your Mum wants to find her then maybe she needs to do it directly, that said some things are better left alone, but if there is unfinished business then maybe it's best your mum sorted things out with her...

Sorry, I'm not much help am I??:eek6:

I don't think there is any unfinished business, she was still only a baby when she was adopted.

There is no right or wrong answer but there are three people to be considered in the equation - you your mum and also her feelings. Also perhaps the feelings of her adopted parents. How old would she be?

I think she's about 24. She should know that she is adopted as I think legally you have to be told now (although I'm not 100% sure on that either)

Your not selfish as anyone in your position would have doubts and worries. Your Mum clearly wants and needs to find her so she can say all the things she has probably wanted to say for years.
Obviously you are trying to protect your Mum but also you which isn't a bad thing. What if this sister turns out to be uninterested in you and your Mum. You both will feel bad.
Don't put too much thought into it in case you can't find her and if you did she might not want to see you for some reason.
Just go with your hearts.

I am worried that she will hate my mum for giving her up, and maybe hate me aswell as she kept me.

And what if she's had a really bad life, she may hold that against my mum too.

 

[Poppy09]

If you dont look for her you will always have these unanswered questions but you dont know her reaction so I think you need sit down as a family as Mollyismyworld said and prepare yourselves for all possibilities if you are going to do it...

 

[Georges Mum]

i think you need to speak to a specialist councillor - if you go to cab or your gp they might be able to direct you.

 

[Lily's Mum]

Not read the whole of this thread so forgive me if I repeat or talk out of turn.


Firstly, the most important person out of all of this is your adopted sister -she may not even know she is adopted. You could be opening a whole can of worms.

Now I am not an expert on Adoption but I do not think the birth family get the rights to look at the adopted persons file, whereas when reaching the age of 18 the adopted person can.

You could look at hiring a private detective and maybe contacting the adopted parents first to see how the land lies.

The Salvation Army (I think) are good for help in these cases.

Good luck.

 

[Georges Mum]

can i just say though that it is also a personal thing too - i was made to feel it was off bounderies to find my father in the states by my family. I kissed him goodbye when i was 9 and i was very close to him but family pressure got the better of me. I looked him up September 2007 and found him but did not have the courage to call him. I had a notification of his death in January 2008. It took me a long time to get over my cowardness and still i sometimes beat myself up about it.

You need to find out exactly who wants to relocate her and go from there. It could be quite ugly or it could be fine but you need to be fully prepared.

 

[turkeylad]

İf your going to do this - do it for you and NOT your mum...also. get professional support before you start.

Adoption UK www.adoptionuk.org supporting adoptive families before during and after adoption.

 

[sequeena]

Don't feel selfish, it's only natural that you want to find your sister

I can't really offer any advice. I've had experience with adoption (6 of my nieces and nephews were given up for adoption) but I have never been adopted myself.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, pm me if you want to, I have a strong shoulder to lean on

 

[charlie9009]

Thank you all for the advice, and thank you turkeylad for the link, I will take a look in a bit.

I know I could cope with whatever the outcome would be, my OH is very supportive, and has helped me through worse things. It is more my mum I am concerned about. If there was some way I could do it with out her knowing, then that way it might work out better, but I don't even know where to start looking for some one if I do decide I want to!

 

[sequeena]

Thank you all for the advice, and thank you turkeylad for the link, I will take a look in a bit.

I know I could cope with whatever the outcome would be, my OH is very supportive, and has helped me through worse things. It is more my mum I am concerned about. If there was some way I could do it with out her knowing, then that way it might work out better, but I don't even know where to start looking for some one if I do decide I want to!

I think it would hurt your mum even more if she were to find out and you hadn't told her. Just sit down with her and explain, she's still going to love you either way x

I couldn't really help you hun, I'm not sure if social services still have a record?

 

[turkeylad]

Thank you all for the advice, and thank you turkeylad for the link, I will take a look in a bit.

I know I could cope with whatever the outcome would be, my OH is very supportive, and has helped me through worse things. It is more my mum I am concerned about. If there was some way I could do it with out her knowing, then that way it might work out better, but I don't even know where to start looking for some one if I do decide I want to!

There are a whole range of services who will help you look one of the most professional is the Salvation Army - but with this service if your sister decided she was not interested they would decline to give you any information -

 

[Sampuppy]

There is some excellent advice from people on here and I agree with them that you should seek professional help before embarking on your 'mission'. I would certainly go ahead and seek advice even if you don't end up trying to find your sister, it will help you to make your choice.

I was in a position where I didn't know what to do about a similar thing and took the advice of someone who just said 'don't bother - he will find you if he wants to'. I now live to regret the fact that I took that advice and wish that I had been given the sort of advice that you are now been given. Good luck and I hope you let us know how you get on. xx

 

[Sampuppy]

There are a whole range of services who will help you look one of the most professional is the Salvation Army - but with this service if your sister decided she was not interested they would decline to give you any information -

I agree - the Salvation Army are excellent!!!! I wish i'd used them in the first place instead of taking one person's advice!!!!