UK Pet Forums Forum banner
  • Please post in our Community Feedback thread for help with the new forum software! If you are having trouble logging in, please Contact Us for assistance.

1 - 20 of 27 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,036 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Are yours and if so how do you help them?

My dad is 82 he is still all there mentally, bit of a dodgy hip and back but he is a grand bloke and I adore him. Mum is 6 year younger but early stage dementia so real hard work for dad. She is due to be referred to a "memory" clinic. Thought it would be answer and could get some help, but just watched some depressing programme about care in the home :nonod:

I clean for them at weekends, wash mums hair, do their washing & ironing and send a meal every few days but feel guily I don't do enough. What do you do and do you trust care packages?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,034 Posts
I looked after my Nanna and Grandad for a few years.... My Grandad was 87 when he passed, my Nan died 3 years before him, she was 82 at the time.

My Nan started suffering with early dementia in her late 70s, but care was not an option, my Grandad wouldn't even conceive of the idea... So we muddled through together.

I have to say when my Nan died, whilst my Grandad was completely lost, his own health improved for a while.

I am glad that I was able to care for them both, although with working full time it was hard work. I did similar things to you... I would call in after work 3 times a week to check on them, then on Saturday, I would prepare their meals for the week, freeze them, then take them down on my long Sunday visit where I would do a few more things for them. All they needed to do then was defrost and cook a meal every day and do some boiled potatoes or rice to go with it.

I used to have guilt that I didn't do enough, but looking back now they are both gone I know I did my best for them and know they felt loved, and that to me is the most important thing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,036 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
thank you space chick, suppose at the end of the day no matter what you do you worry its not enough. My dad is the same, he is boss man and I can't do anything without his agreement - proper hard to make him let me do their washing & ironing, often go round and the daft old thing is hand washing :confused:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,506 Posts
Well my dad has just married someone 2 years younger than me so she can deal with him when his older :w00t: After seeing what my dad has to go through with my Nan (Granddad passed last year) it's like a full time job , as she refuses to go to a warden assisted or anything like that :rolleyes: It is depressing :(
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
35,983 Posts
My parents are almost 80. Mum is registered partially sighted with macluar degeneration and Dad has been in and out of hospital this year. He worries that she can't manage when he isn't there. She worries that he is in hospital but doesn't like to visit as she gets panicky in the car because she can't see.
Unfortunately I live almost 200 miles away so can't be much practical help. My sister visits as often as she can - she lives about 10 miles from them - but is working so can't go all that often. We have suggested that Mum goes to stay with her if Dad has to go into hospital but she won't go.
It's very difficult but we just do the best we can. They won't have any outside help. When Dad is well he is fairly capable of doing most things and even though Mum can't see very much she is still active. They still manage to go away on holidays - they cruise a couple of times a year - so I don't feel too guilty about not being able to help out more.
 
G

·
both my parents suffered with dementia/alzheimers related problems , dad were much worse , mum had other complications (heart probs , in remission from cancer , and suffered with parkinsons disease)
i took care of both of them , when they were both alive my days consisted of spending an awful lot of time down their house , including being called out in the early hours if dad was having one of his episodes:(
they had a care package in place which enabled me to go to work , their carers went in 4 times daily , morning , lunchtime , teatime and last visit were their bed time. dad got so bad , he did have to be admitted into a nursing home :( , then mum came to live with me with her care package still in place. the carers were lovely and thought an awful lot of my mum i honestly dont know how i would have managed without them , mum had the very best of care and they were someone i could lean on for support. looking back , i dont think i would have done things any differently it were hard when i lost dad , were very sad :(:( at least he went in the end with peace and i had peace of mind i did my absolute best for him. mum passed a couple of years later she died at home with me sat right beside her surrounded by her sobbing carers and my siblings.
most do a cracking job and i wouldnt like to have to do what they do , so if you need support and help with your parents theres nothing wrong with taking it , i think you'll find you make friends along the way too that completely understand the situation you're in , they see it everyday:( and it does get to them:(:(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,036 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Appreciate it must be awful for genuine carers but thing I watched showed lots with criminal records and not caring at all. Like to think I am a sensible person who takes such stuff with a big pinch of salt but they are my mum and dad and can't bare thinking of putting either of them of at risk.

My sis can't do much as she has a seriously handicapped daughter, brother is bit of a dope so its down to me and I don't know what to do for the best
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,792 Posts
My Mum is 84 and has Parkinson's Disease which has completely affected her movement and speech - her mind is still sharp as a knife. It is so frustrating to hear what she is trying to say as she is unable to move her mouth and also her voice is so quiet. :( My Dad was her main carer and until early last year he looked after her. He is 88.

I went over as much as I could, (I only live 25 mins away) but with a family I could only do so much and despite my suggesting that it would be much better for my Mum to have 24/7 care and have the correct equipment to lift her, my parents wouldn't have it.

You are probably wondering why we didn't have a full time carer - well, they wouldn't do it because there wasn't room for a stairlift as the staircase is too narrow and tight at the top and also there wasn't a properly equipped bathroom. Because my Mum is immobile, she was unable to get upstairs so my brother moved the beds downstairs.

So, after my Dad ended up in hospital twice and me (totally stressed out by then) saying what I thought of them for being so stubborn as well as having a huge argument with my younger brother, my Mum went in to a home, Dad's health improved although he suffers from emphysema and other age related issues, and I am able to spend more time with my family. It had been a really stressful year and I swore to myself that I would/do not want to be a burden to my daughter and hopefully be able to hang on to my faculties as long as I can!!

:eek: Sorry :blushing: This turned out to be a long post!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,673 Posts
My mum is 84 and my dad 90. My dad had a bad time from Christmas, he got Bell's Palsy and then he had a bad back. I suspect the doctor got him hooked on coedine, then told him to stop and he went through withdrawal, although no one has admitted it. He can't walk well and no longer goes out. My mum is probably like someone 15 years younger.

They don't really need regular practical help with anything, but of course we help with jobs and suchlike as and when.

When my dad was ill they had a carer come in. It was brilliant and they really liked the carer, the council also fitted things to the bathroom like handrails etc. I have no complaints over the care he received.

They are both there mentally, my dad is amazing he remembers football scores from last season and things like that.
 
G

·
Appreciate it must be awful for genuine carers but thing I watched showed lots with criminal records and not caring at all. Like to think I am a sensible person who takes such stuff with a big pinch of salt but they are my mum and dad and can't bare thinking of putting either of them of at risk.

My sis can't do much as she has a seriously handicapped daughter, brother is bit of a dope so its down to me and I don't know what to do for the best
i know this sounds really daft , there were times mum were quite lucid though and well aware of what were going on regarding how we lived at home and how she were managed , she never mentioned anything untoward and always seemed very happy , she would often be observed having a laugh and joke with her carers:D some of the things she used to come out with made my toes curl:eek: her carers fair play to them though took it all in their stride and would often giggle about things as they were leaving:D:D
my siblings never had much to do with the care of mum , they were happy living in their own little worlds pretending it werent happening , i really feel for you:(:(:(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,512 Posts
Appreciate it must be awful for genuine carers but thing I watched showed lots with criminal records and not caring at all. Like to think I am a sensible person who takes such stuff with a big pinch of salt but they are my mum and dad and can't bare thinking of putting either of them of at risk.

My sis can't do much as she has a seriously handicapped daughter, brother is bit of a dope so its down to me and I don't know what to do for the best
We always get to hear more about the bad than the good, there are always going to be the not so gold in any profession but I'd like to think they are in the minority.
My mam lives away but my sister is about 20 minutes from her,mams 74 and I noticed the last time she visited her memory is not what it used to be,I had been thinking this for a while but it really is becoming more noticeable, she has other health problems as well as mobility issues. My mam married again after my dad died,he was only 51, she married a man 10 yrs younger so really because of the distance issue it will be down to my sis and her hubby to ensure she gets the help/care she needs
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,161 Posts
My dad is 82 and my mum died 5 years ago.:(

Since she died,mums best friend and dad have kept each other company,it took me a while to accept this,although they don't have an intimate relationship it's just companionship.

I live over 100 miles away,and my brother lives 10 miles away.

At the moment he doesn't need help.he is very fit even though he had a heart attach 23 years ago.His hearing is going though.

I am a bit anxious about him at the moment as he has just given up his hobby,caravanning,this was a huge part of mum and dad's life and I do think he will miss it,although he says it wasn't the same without mum.

I'm not sure what will happen if/when he needs help.:confused:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,036 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
i know this sounds really daft , there were times mum were quite lucid though and well aware of what were going on regarding how we lived at home and how she were managed , she never mentioned anything untoward and always seemed very happy , she would often be observed having a laugh and joke with her carers:D some of the things she used to come out with made my toes curl:eek: her carers fair play to them though took it all in their stride and would often giggle about things as they were leaving:D:D
my siblings never had much to do with the care of mum , they were happy living in their own little worlds pretending it werent happening , i really feel for you:(:(:(
If you didn't know my mum would not know she were a bit potty now bless her, most of the time she is quite lucid & still knows us all its only if you know her you realise most of what she comes out with is really weird and totally made up. My sister is a total sweety and would do more if she could, oh well will just do as best as I can.
 
G

·
If you didn't know my mum would not know she were a bit potty now bless her, most of the time she is quite lucid & still knows us all its only if you know her you realise most of what she comes out with is really weird and totally made up. My sister is a total sweety and would do more if she could, oh well will just do as best as I can.
my mum was very endearing if thats the right word?? :eek: dad used to get violent and awfully muddled which was hard:( thing is i understood whereas others (my siblings) didnt. i understand there is only so much people can do and its great you have the support of your sister :) xx
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,959 Posts
My grandmother passed away several years ago. :(

My grandfather is turning 90 this year. He is doing great and still goes on hikes with me and the dogs. We've hiked up a few mountains too. I hope I'm able to do the same at his age. :) He likes to talk about all the things he did during WWII too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,517 Posts
my mam is 75 and thankfully very healthy. she has a few aches and pains but nothing that stops her busy social life. now i've got my car i'm helping her out by taking her shopping and to any appointments that she has. my dad sadly passed away fifteen years ago, only a year after my mam had stopped being a full time carer to my gran who died of cancer. my sister and nephew live at home with her. she sees my two brothers if they want something :rolleyes:

i'm a full time carer for my fMiL who has dementia. shirley is 72, and physically very fit. my oh has been off work since may and has been helping out more since then, but we get no help from his two sisters. one is a career woman who we have spent time with once this year when we went on holiday to the lake district. the other is a born again christian with four kids who hasn't seen her mam for over a year. her opinion is that shirley's illness is her own fault because she doesn't believe in god :mad: she wasn't happy when we were talking about putting shirely in respite but refused to help out by looking after her. luckily my sister is willing to help out so if my oh and i need a break, she comes and stops to look after shirley and the pets. my mam and a couple of friends also ladysit occasionally for us. now oh has finished work all together, i'm doing more shifts at the arcade and have told my manager i want to come back properly when there is a vacancy.

it's hard work, because shirley is very demanding from the moment she gets up. she's also stubborn when she doesn't want to do something. she's constantly on the move, and needs to know what she is doing next. she's not intrested in the now. she doesn't know what is food/drink and what isn't so we have to lock everything that resembles it away. last week i caught her with the sudacrem oh forgot to take out her bedroom :( i take it one day at a time because i know i can't do it for ever. oh asked me how i felt about the next twenty years :eek: i told him i'm human not a bleeding saint. i might be able to manage a couple more years but i still want time for us to live our life. for that reason, i'd rather we waited until we are iving alone again to get married. at the moment we're focussed on her not us.
 
G

·
my mam is 75 and thankfully very healthy. she has a few aches and pains but nothing that stops her busy social life. now i've got my car i'm helping her out by taking her shopping and to any appointments that she has. my dad sadly passed away fifteen years ago, only a year after my mam had stopped being a full time carer to my gran who died of cancer. my sister and nephew live at home with her. she sees my two brothers if they want something :rolleyes:

i'm a full time carer for my fMiL who has dementia. shirley is 72, and physically very fit. my oh has been off work since may and has been helping out more since then, but we get no help from his two sisters. one is a career woman who we have spent time with once this year when we went on holiday to the lake district. the other is a born again christian with four kids who hasn't seen her mam for over a year. her opinion is that shirley's illness is her own fault because she doesn't believe in god :mad: she wasn't happy when we were talking about putting shirely in respite but refused to help out by looking after her. luckily my sister is willing to help out so if my oh and i need a break, she comes and stops to look after shirley and the pets. my mam and a couple of friends also ladysit occasionally for us. now oh has finished work all together, i'm doing more shifts at the arcade and have told my manager i want to come back properly when there is a vacancy.

it's hard work, because shirley is very demanding from the moment she gets up. she's also stubborn when she doesn't want to do something. she's constantly on the move, and needs to know what she is doing next. she's not intrested in the now. she doesn't know what is food/drink and what isn't so we have to lock everything that resembles it away. last week i caught her with the sudacrem oh forgot to take out her bedroom :( i take it one day at a time because i know i can't do it for ever. oh asked me how i felt about the next twenty years :eek: i told him i'm human not a bleeding saint. i might be able to manage a couple more years but i still want time for us to live our life. for that reason, i'd rather we waited until we are iving alone again to get married. at the moment we're focussed on her not us.
it's very hard looking after someone with dementia:( it's a rotten illness and something i wouldnt wish on my own worst enemy. i know how awful the stress levels can be when trying to do your best by people that suffer this terrible illness. dont ever feel guilty about taking respite if you need it from someone , carers need breaks too! just make sure you look after yourself first because i learnt the hard way after almost seeing myself off with taking care of my parents:( doesnt mean i wouldnt do it all over again for someone close to me though because i would in a heartbeat. xxx
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,627 Posts
After years of persuasion we finally got my grandparents to agree to move into warden controlled housing. At first they hated the idea but now they've been there a year they really like it there. They live together independently yet there's a social room where they can interact with other residents and someone's always baking cakes.

My nan's 80yrs now and is all there but suffers lots of aches and pains. My grandad is 83yrs and has Parkinson's and tinnitus so although he's all there he's become extremely withdrawn and finds it hard to follow a conversation. We had a right job getting him to sell his car as he felt it was his last bit of independence but frankly it was scary being in a car with him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,233 Posts
My parents both died in their late 80's. Both frail but mentally alert. My aunt, my only other relation apart from my daughter, is 99, lives alone, looks after herself very well. She has a trolly on wheels she uses as her legs are getting dodgy now.
I take her shopping and to the bank etc but she insists on going to do a bit of shopping in the village by herself.
She is so independent she worries me but gets upset if I "fuss" to much.

I suppose I come into the catergory of elderly now i will soon be 72. Most of the time I feelabout 27
 
1 - 20 of 27 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top