Welcome to PetForums

Join thousands of other pet owners and pet lovers on the UK's most popular and friendly pet community and discussion forum.

Sign Up

Don't know what to do, advice please?

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by GoldenShadow, Nov 16, 2012.


  1. GoldenShadow

    GoldenShadow PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2009
    Messages:
    17,493
    Likes Received:
    554
    My ex's (from when we were 15-17) Dad died a couple days ago. He was 54 and had suffered with a form of cancer for 12 years.

    Whilst we were quite young we went through rather a lot together and whilst we had a bad break up we are on speaking terms. I moved three hours away a couple years ago (I'm 20 now) and he was in the area so we met up about five weeks ago. I wouldn't turn anyone away if they needed to talk etc and he is not the best at keeping up with friends, what with his Dad he never really went to uni or anything, and has been holding back with his life really when everyone else has gone off.

    Anyway, he has said I am welcome to go to the funeral. It is three hours away, I sent a condolence card and he said he and his Mum would both like me to go.

    I'm just not sure if I should or not? His Dad's parents, sibling, other children etc will be there and I worry it would cause extra stress. But in the same breath I wrote in the card if there is anything you need etc and I feel a bit like I'm copping out if he does want me to go.

    I think his ex gf from after we broke up will also go, I don't want to cause trouble but I don't want him to feel as though I don't care. His Dad was actually quite awful to me when we broke up, but before that he had been more of a parent to me than my own Mum and Dad put together.

    Haven't discussed it with my OH yet, but realistically, despite not liking it I am fairly sure he will support me either way...

    Help? :(
     
  2. MoggyBaby

    MoggyBaby PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2011
    Messages:
    23,958
    Likes Received:
    5,531
    I personally would not do a 6 hr round trip for a funeral unless it was someone that was either a relative or I was very close to.

    You have done your bit by sending the card. The fact that you are asking for our opinion tells me that you are not comfortable with the thought of going so don't go.

    You are not with this bloke now and I think your current OH may struggle to understand why you think you should go.
     
  3. rona

    rona Still missing my boys

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2011
    Messages:
    39,257
    Likes Received:
    24,780
    Stop worrying about how others feel and look inside yourself for the answer
     
  4. GoldenShadow

    GoldenShadow PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2009
    Messages:
    17,493
    Likes Received:
    554
    I think Rona is right, I am thinking I am letting him and his Mum down if I don't go :(

    I have a lot on with uni etc it would be stressful to go with everything I have on.

    I think I'm a bit umming and ahhing because a funeral is so final too. His Dad actually did a lot for me, as did his Mum. A lot a lot a lot, he was hugely supportive and made me feel like there were people who actually cared. When me and the ex broke up I think I was more gutted about not seeing his parents ever again :eek:

    Still a bit :( but leaning towards the don't go side now.
     
  5. MoggyBaby

    MoggyBaby PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2011
    Messages:
    23,958
    Likes Received:
    5,531
    If this man was almost a father to you and you owe much of your current life set-up to him and his support, then that is a different kettle of fish and it would be right for you to attend his funeral if only to say thank you for what he did for you.
     
  6. GoldenShadow

    GoldenShadow PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2009
    Messages:
    17,493
    Likes Received:
    554
    But then I come back to, at the end of the day he's not *really* my Dad and the day should be about his family. I think I feel as though its not particularly appropriate for me to go, a part of me would like to.
     
  7. MoggyBaby

    MoggyBaby PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2011
    Messages:
    23,958
    Likes Received:
    5,531
    A funeral is a time for family AND friends to say their goodbyes. If someone I had helped many years ago, took the time to come to my funeral to show their respects to me, my family would be over the moon that someone thought so highly of me to make that effort. And that my actions had had such an impact on that persons life that they remembered me even after a period of time had passed.

    I think this comes down to exactly how much this man helped you and how grateful you are to him for that help.
     
  8. rona

    rona Still missing my boys

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2011
    Messages:
    39,257
    Likes Received:
    24,780
    All I will say to help you decide as you are still wavering, is they have expressed that they would like you there. They mean it, at times like this, the just being polite usually goes out the window and base feelings come to the fore.
    Do you feel guilt/worry or do you see it as a bit of an inconvenience to travel that far?
     
  9. seanmac

    seanmac PetForums Senior

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2012
    Messages:
    436
    Likes Received:
    10
    My Dad is not really my Dad but he was the man that showed me the rights and wrongs in life and pointed me in the right direction.

    Just as there not your birth parents does not mean he cant be a dad, he sounds like he means alot to you otherwise there wouldn't be this thread
     
  10. dukey

    dukey PetForums Senior

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2012
    Messages:
    452
    Likes Received:
    7
    It sounds as though you really would rather not go.

    Maybe talk it through with your OH, see what he thinks or could you discuss it with your friends?

    If you decide you dont want to go then maybe you could send another card just saying your very sorry you cant go but you will be thinking of them? Just to sort of show that you are thinking of them and arent just running away so to speak
     
  11. ginge2804

    ginge2804 PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2011
    Messages:
    2,288
    Likes Received:
    14
    I personally wouldn't go to an exs funeral, but then, I don't have contact with any of mine, and was never that close to their parents :lol:

    But only you really know whether it is right to go or not.. Just do what your heart tells you :)
    If you think you would feel uncomfortable, then I personally wouldn't go. But its your choice at the end of the day, no one elses :D
     
  12. MCWillow

    MCWillow PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2011
    Messages:
    12,965
    Likes Received:
    2,671
    I can't advise you what to do - you have to do what you feel is right for you, and you alone.

    Don't go because you don't want to let others down if you stay away.

    Don't not go because you may upset your bf, or anyone else.

    Can you look inside yourself and say you will regret it if you don't go?

    You are the one that needs to be happy with your decision - no-one else should come into it. Think about what you want, and go with your heart.
     
  13. Tigerneko

    Tigerneko PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2009
    Messages:
    16,350
    Likes Received:
    561
    This is pretty much what I was going to say.

    Will you regret it if you don't go? If you think you'll regret it for even one minute then please try and make the effort to go. I know it's totally different but when my grandma died when I was 16, I was asked if I wanted to do a reading of the 'Do not stand by my grave and weep' poem. At the time I was too shy to stand up in front of a congregation and speak, but now I wish to God i'd have done it. Especially since the girl that ended up reading it wasn't even a relative - I felt really angry sat in the church watching someone that wasn't even related to my lovely grandma stand and do that reading and that is one thing that I will regret for the rest of my life. As you say, funerals are final and it's only gonna happen once, so if you feel as though you might regret not attending then just go. As has been said, if his family have said that you'd be welcome then they really do mean it.
     
  14. MCWillow

    MCWillow PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2011
    Messages:
    12,965
    Likes Received:
    2,671
    Actually Tigerneko made me think more on regrets.

    My nan wanted the six grandchildren to be pallbearers of my grandads coffins - me, my brother, and our 4 male cousins.

    It was immediately agreed that I could bow out (being a girl) and let my son do it in my place.

    I thought long and hard about it. I knew it was going to be very difficult, hell it was going to be one of the hardest days of my life, so far, anyway.

    But I got to thinking about my grandad - how he always stood up for the 'underdog'. how he was passionate about equal rights, how he was my grandad, and I was his only grandaughter - and the relationship we had.

    I carried my grandads coffin on my shoulder, next to my brother, and my four male cousins.

    I was very proud (and heartbroken) that day - but I know he was looking down on me and beaming from ear to ear.

    I almost didn't do it (and my son really wanted to, in my place) - but I looked inside, and I asked myself if I would regret it if I didn't. And the answer was 'yes' - my son was disappointed, but it wasn't about him - it was about me and what I needed to feel right within myself.

    You might have to look deep, and ask yourself questions - but at the end of it you will arrive at the answer that is right for you.
     
  15. 912142

    912142 PetForums VIP

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2011
    Messages:
    4,615
    Likes Received:
    45
    He is in the past - leave him there! You have sent your condolences, doesn't sound to me as if you are really over this lad and you will only sow the seed of doubt with your OH.
     
  16. newfiesmum

    newfiesmum Banned

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2010
    Messages:
    19,251
    Likes Received:
    1,726
    There are very few people who would mean enough for me to travel three hours to their funeral and the father on an ex boyfriend would not be one of them. I not only think it is too much, I think it would be disrupting your own life with your own partner.

    I also think that this ex could end up expecting more from such a major effort on your part.

    Send flowers, and a card, and leave it at that. No point in worrying about what they think; they are history now.
     
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice