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Difficult situation

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Team_Trouble, Apr 23, 2017.


  1. Team_Trouble

    Team_Trouble PetForums VIP

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    A man has just moved into a flat downstairs in my building. I live in supported accommodation, so everyone who lives here has some kind of mental health problem, physical, neurological difference or learning difficulty.

    I came home one day when he was moving in, and was friendly and said hello etc etc. Ever since then he has been overly familiar, it makes me feel uncomfortable and is creepy. He often asks if he's making me uncomfortable and I always say no because I hate upsetting people or any kind of confrontation.

    I explained that I do not want any kind of romantic relationship, but agreed to be a friend. He does not seem able to stick to these boundaries. He often just happens to be hanging around the garden or hallway when I come home, flirts with me (I don't always notice as I sometimes have difficulty understanding people's motives), accused me of flirting with him (I was chewing my bottle cap, which is a habit I do all the time, he said it looked like I was flirting and wanted him to kiss me - I certainly did NOT) and put his arm round me and stroked my shoulder while we watched a film at his flat (I really struggle to say no or tell people I'm not comfortable - I felt REALLY uncomfortable :( ). He also sent me text messages (couldn't say no when he asked for my number) saying he missed me when we've only spent time together 3 times in total, a couple of hours each time.

    I don't know how to tell him we can't be friends because he can't respect my boundaries. I really struggle with saying all of this verbally. I talked to my link worker about it who said she would discuss it with his, and since I've been back it doesn't seem like anything has happened, and now she's away for 2 weeks. I really dread leaving my flat and coming home, and I am worried I am slipping back into old anxieties (I've previously struggled with leaving my room when living with other people).

    I would really appreciate any advice you might have. Please bear in mind I have huge difficulties with confrontation in face to face interactions. Is this something I could convey over text messaging, or would it be best to try and sort it out via support Workers?
     
  2. stuaz

    stuaz PetForums VIP

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    On the bases that you have issues with confrontation and saying no, I suggest you try and get your support worker involved. You say yours is away for two weeks, do you have a temporary one you can contact in there absence?

    They have a responsibility for all people under there care so it's there situation to sort out.
     
  3. Michebe

    Michebe PetForums Member

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    I would also use support workers, i have similar problems myself and am terrible at telling people if they are upsetting me until it becomes boiling point and i explode over something simple and stupid. Good luck
     
  4. BlueJay

    BlueJay Pack of Losers

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    I find it much easier dealing with things over the ether rather than face to face... though that is still tricksy too.
    Well, really I'd like to not deal with things at all. That would be best. Alas, the world apparently doesn't work like that. How rude.


    Perhaps text something along the lines of 'we shouldnt hang out' or 'i dont want to do this'
    (this is likely terrible advice; if I was doing this, I'd freak out at any reply and not be able to read it for days)
    If that fails, for sure get the social workers to take things more seriously
     
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  5. Team_Trouble

    Team_Trouble PetForums VIP

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    Lol. Your response reminded me of me... I generally ignore problems of any kind until they are looming unavoidably in front of my face o_O:Shifty:Facepalm

    Aren't problems obliged to disappear once you've ignored them for a significant period of time? I always thought that's how it should work.

    I'm exactly the same at not being able to read Messages if I've said something 'difficult'.




    Thanks all for the advice, I will see if I can make an appointment with another support worker and hope she takes it more seriously, although to be fair it has escalated somewhat since I last mentioned it. Although perhaps that is indicative of how seriously my SW was taking the problem....

    I'll keep you posted.
     
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  6. Dogloverlou

    Dogloverlou PetForums VIP

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    I'd definitely involve your own or a support worker of some kind. Potentially his behaviour could be quite threatening, or even dangerous and it's not something I'd want to deal with alone. If your own SW is away, I'd insist on asking for someone else to speak to about your concerns.
     
  7. PawsOnMe

    PawsOnMe PetForums VIP

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    This might seem rude but when I don't want to talk to people I put headphones on and avoid eye contact. If they talk to me I just pretend I can't hear them.

    If he messages you saying you should hang out or go somewhere with him. Just ignore the message or if you can message just say you're busy and can't and ignore any attempts at rearrangement.

    I had to do this with what was once a good friend who turned very stalkerish when I got a boyfriend.

    Definitely talk to your support worker and ask her to help you. It isn't fair on you to feel smothered and uncomfortable around this man, it's very detrimental to your mental health and should be taken seriously.
     
  8. Mirandashell

    Mirandashell Banned

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    Speaking as someone who has very little problem with telling guys like him to F**k off, I'm probably not the best to ask, but I would, if I were you, speak to the support worker about exactly how uncomfortable this guy is making you feel and how difficult it's becoming to avoid the situation. Maybe the best idea is to write it down, like you have for us, and show it to them.

    I think you need to tell them sooner rather than later so that there is evidence of your concerns as soon as possible.
     
  9. SusieRainbow

    SusieRainbow Administrator
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    This sounds really creepy and scary. I think it's very important you avoid being alone with him however direct you need to be - if he's not respecting your boundaries or reading your signals right you could get into quite a sticky situation.
    I went out with a couple of weirdos as a young woman , hindsight is a wonderful thing , but please tell a support worker as soon as possible and keep yourself safe.
     
  10. TallulahCat

    TallulahCat PetForums VIP

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    I think if you are unable to be blunt with him then you need someone to liaise with him for you, and it would be a very good idea to speak to a support worker about it.

    If you do feel able then it could help to say (or text) something along the lines of, "I find this scary and I don't want to hear from you ever again."

    I have been in similar situations myself and I understand how difficult it can be. I'm autistic so I can misread people, or give off misleading signals without realising. Generally my signals are of the "go away" variety, even though I don't mean them to be. But there have been times I've been on the receiving end of someone's obsession and it's really scary.

    I think you should speak to a support worker as soon as possible, and then keep reporting any subsequent incidents. If the staff don't protect you then I would involve police.
     
  11. SpringDance

    SpringDance PetForums VIP

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    Do not be alone with him. Do not go round to his flat, do not let him into yours. Not while your instincts are warning you.
     
  12. picaresque

    picaresque Mongrelist

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    I'd suggest reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker - I'm actually in the middle of reading it myself at the moment. If you have Kindle Unlimited it is free to read on there.
    You are right to listen to your instincts. You need to tell him straight (by text is probably best if you don't want a confrontation, and anyway avoids having to be near him) that you are not interested in having any sort of relationship with him. Don't be apologetic about it because a)you have no reason to be and b)he might see it as mixed messages. Once you have done that just don't engage with him at all. If he keeps texting you or calling you or bothering you in any way do not respond directly, but take it up with your support worker if you don't feel safe.
     
  13. rona

    rona Still missing my boys

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    Print off what you have written here and give it to anyone who is appropriate and needs to be aware. Maybe even your community police officer.

    Who runs your accommodation?
     
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  14. Blaise in Surrey

    Blaise in Surrey PetForums VIP

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    Exactly this ^^ No exceptions, no excuses.
     
  15. MilleD

    MilleD PetForums VIP

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    I also have little problem with this, I've been told in the past that w**kers don't need to be told they are w**kers :rolleyes:

    But I think I would use the support your support workers are supposed to give and not engage him otherwise he may think that any sort of contact with you is you saying it's ok.

    Do you know what his issues are? It may be that he doesn't understand boundaries. Constantly asking you if he is making you feel uncomfortable makes me think that he has been told in the past that he does this and it overcompensating?
     
  16. LinznMilly

    LinznMilly Moderator
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    Does your phone have something like "quiet hours", which you can set up so that only the people you want to, can reach you? People not on your break-through list just get the voicemail message, so assume your phone is switched off.
     
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  17. Biffo

    Biffo PetForums Senior

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    This sounds like such a difficult situation. Until your support worker has a chance to deal with it could you maybe try practicing some responses, or having excuses ready to use if he does speak to you. So you can avoid agreeing to spend time with him without having to be confrontational?

    What about being on your phone (pretending to or something) as you leave your front door so you can't speak to him?
     
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  18. leashedForLife

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    @picaresque said:

    I'd suggest reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker...
    _____________________
    .
    .
    Great book - read it years ago, & i encourage every woman i meet to read it for herself. ;) Instinct is a wonderful thing, but all too often our well-schooled social obligations tell us, "oh, now, U're just imagining things... Don't be silly!..." --- Don't second-guess. When Ur gut says it feels weird, get outta Dodge.
    .
    I moved from Ol' Virginny to Mass in July-2012 --- last month, i got yet-another drunken phone-call from my former downstairs neighbor, after 18-months of silence from her, & over 4 years of silence from me. :Locktopic She's gay [i'm not], i thot of her as a friend as well as a neighbor, & she accused me of "MAKING [her] fall in love!", one evening in late March of 2012 --- after we'd gone bargain-shopping & i found her drapes at the Goodwill to cover her west-facing windows, & help keep her apt from becoming a sauna. :oops: I didn't know measuring windows was a flirtatious overture.

    For the next 3 1/2 months, i avoided being alone with her, talked only outside or from her doorway, & didn't pick-up any phone calls - she left a message, i listened, & then decided how - or IF - i'd reply.
    It was super awkward & sometimes scary - she's a tough chick who's been arrested for assault previously.

    .
    Talk to a case-worker immediately, lay it all out, write it down if it helps - & no more movie-nights at his place, OR at Urs. The headphones tactic is a good one - so is holding Ur cell phone & having EMERgENCY 999 on speed-dial, just in case. [set up the number as if U are going to dial, if he accosts U conversationally, click to dial & don't talk - let the police listen in to the convo, live.
    That both alerts them in real time, & documents the conversation.]
    .
    .

    .
     
  19. Purplecatlover

    Purplecatlover PetForums VIP

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    I agree with everyone here, if you find it hard to verbalise things - write down how you feel, keep a diary of what happens - when it happens and speak to someone - a social worker/support worker. So they know what is happening and when and also the seriousness.

    I hope it goes well and it gets sorted - try not to let it keep you inside though - try not to let it isolate you even though that's probably what feels the easiest right now.

    I really wish the best to you! It will get sorted.
    Xx
     
  20. ForestWomble

    ForestWomble PetForums VIP

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    I agree with everyone else.
    Don't put yourself in danger, get a support worker or someone else involved.
    Keep safe.
     
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