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Dealing with the grief and guilt after rehoming our dog

Discussion in 'Dog Chat' started by Carrie Parsons, Jun 6, 2018.


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  1. Carrie Parsons

    Carrie Parsons PetForums Newbie

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    We've had our boy Marley since he was 8 weeks old, and he was 4 march just gone. Over the years he so used to me being home all the time ( ill health prevented me working and was lead to believe I'd be stuck like this ) , he was used to the kids going to school and my husband going off to work however I had an operation which has helped my issues and helped me get back to work

    We had to take the tough decision to re home as he just couldn't stand being left alone he would bark, wine howl, and sometimes have accidents even if we were gone for 1 hour, he hates even when we go food shopping. The kids are 12,13,15 so are usually out with friends etc, and my husband is out the house 10 hours a day, but I can't bare the grief and guilt I feel - please no judgmental comments about ' should have thought it when you got him ' our situation when we brought him into our family was very very different, and if we'd known the way our life would pan out we never would have got him in the first place as animals are precious to me. But his left a massive hole in my heart, I just feel a sense of guilt that he feels we abandoned him. His gone to a lovely lady with 3 boys who dote on him, but I just keep crying all the time, just can't get my head around it.

    Will this feeling ever go away, some may find it extreme but the last time I felt pain this bad was when my mum passed suddenly 5 years ago.
     
  2. Tucson

    Tucson PetForums Junior

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    Don't beat yourself up, you know he's in a home where he's loved and wanted so what's to feel guilty about. You did what's right for him and that's all anyone can expect from you. I have taken on several rehomes over the years and they've all had a great life, dogs live in the moment they don't sit and wonder what happened to their previous owner, they take love where it's offered.
     
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  3. Carrie Parsons

    Carrie Parsons PetForums Newbie

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    Its just hard, I sit here and think is he sitting at his new house wondering why we left him, and are we coming back - even typing this im crying because I can't stop thinking about it
     
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  4. Kimmikins

    Kimmikins PetForums VIP

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    Dogs live very much in the moment; as long as the home that he’s in is a happy one, he will be happy.

    You did the right thing putting his needs first. Separation issues need perseverance and sometimes a big commitment, and if he was suffering in the meantime and you couldn’t help him, then you have to focus on the fact that you put his happiness first and foremost. That’s what good guardians do.

    I think it’s you who will be suffering far more than he is; you need to be kind to yourself.
     
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  5. Burrowzig

    Burrowzig PetForums VIP

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    He's a dog, not a human. Dogs are more inclined to live in the moment they're in at the time. He won't be grieving for you in the way you are for him. He won't have forgotten you, but as all his needs are met in his new home he's not likely to think about you or wonder where you are or why his life has changed.
     
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  6. Carrie Parsons

    Carrie Parsons PetForums Newbie

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    Im definitely suffering more, and for my own selfish reasons I want him home. But I know for his sake as long as his happy in his new home its where he should stay - we know its our fault he couldn't handle being away from us I was always home with him, but ill health was the reason I was at home. That was set to be a long term thing and Marley was my little companion - my 24/7 shadow and thats why I'm struggling x
     
  7. Bebe1

    Bebe1 PetForums Member

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    Oh I so feel for you :(. You obviously love him very much but you did what you thought was the best for Marley and hes happy in a new home with people who care about him, some dogs never get that. Hes young enough to adapt but even older dogs do.
    I totally understand why you rehomed him. Separation anxiety is the hardest thing to treat and Im going through this right now with my dog, his is severe and he cant be left even for 5 minutes. Its having a massive impact on my life and causing huge arguments and problems with my wider family and my Daughter who has a 3 year old ,and says Im a bad Grandmother and that Im putting my dog before my Grandson because we can never go out because of my dog.

    But my dog is a rescue and has had 5 homes already at aged 6 and I cant rehome him, ( I have thought about it) If he had been here since a puppy and not had such an unstable life, trust me, I would do, because its SO hard living like this. Dont beat yourself up, some dogs have never had good lives, yours has and still is now. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you made a decision based on what you thought was best for Marley, and it was the right one .
     
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  8. Carrie Parsons

    Carrie Parsons PetForums Newbie

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    Thats the problem we had, could never have family days out because he wouldn't stay home without the drama he caused, its also not fair on my neighbours to put up with it. So we usually had to get 1 of the older 2 kids to stay home with him, and then do a different day out with them, its just not fair on them or Marley to keep doing that. Thats what I have in mind that his only 4 so plenty young enough to adapt to a new life and family - the lady messaged me this morning that took him in and said he was fine last night, been playing with the boys before school this morning - and is now snuggled on the sofa with her ( he loved that with us ) and hasn't pined or wined for us. Which helps to know. Its definitely me worrying more than him, just under estimated how heart breaking it would be letting him go ... its nice to read messages of people agreeing i've done the right thing as I feel awful for doing it x
     
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  9. lullabydream

    lullabydream PetForums VIP

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    My friend had to re-home her dog quite a few years ago due to her landlord.

    She contacted the breed rescue and they offered him a place.

    She cried her eyes out dropping him off. The rescue who she took him to said this is they type of owner we like dogs coming from. Those who really care. I mean she really did and was heartbroken.

    This sounds like you. You really cared for Marley but your circumstances have changed and currently his needs cannot be met.

    As people say separation anxiety isn't always a quick fix and it sounds like you have found him a loving home that cares for him just like you would.
     
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  10. Carrie Parsons

    Carrie Parsons PetForums Newbie

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    Crying my eyes out I definitely am! I have lost 2 cats from hit and run's and without coming across heartless as they were my babies I'm more upset about Marley! But I think having their ashes home with me is closure, but Marley is a different situation.

    Thanks for the support you've all given this morning its really helped x
     
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  11. labradrk

    labradrk PetForums VIP

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    You have done what is best for the dog and that is all that matters. Life is not perfect, s**t happens, if we could all predict the future I am sure our lives would all be much smoother ;) as others have said dogs do not think about missing people etc, they actually don't really care provided their needs are met. I guarantee the dog is absolutely fine and you are the one that is struggling. Time is a good healer.
     
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  12. tabelmabel

    tabelmabel PetForums VIP

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    I hope you feel better soon. As has already been said, life throws things at us we can't always predict.
    I think we all know that wretched feeling that is so difficult to bear and it seems to be all consuming when mixed with guilt.

    I had it a couple of years ago when my guinea pig died. He seemed perfectly healthy til he got a chest infection. I nursed him through for hours. He turned the corner. And then, stupidly, i put him back outside on grass far too soon. He went downhill within hours and died in my arms. And the sense of guilt was over whelming. If only this, if only that. That will sound trivial and silly to anyone that doesn't love guinea pigs but anyone that does will know that no two are the same. They are so individual.

    Once you truly believe in your heart that you did the right thing, that feeling of utter despair should start to lift.



    Do you think the lady who has marley might be able to give an update now and again? Maybe that would help, once you truly feel re assured in your heart that Marley is well settled and happy.

    Take care xx
     
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  13. Carrie Parsons

    Carrie Parsons PetForums Newbie

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    Oh no, I'm sorry. It doesn't matter wether the pet is a snake, guinea pig or a dog or whatever pet we may have, we love them and its not trivial for you. The lady has been kind enough to send me a photo and video of him and he seems happy, tail is wagging whilst his playing with the kids there. It helped seeing that this morning as he did genuinely seem happy. Its just eating at me that he might deep down be missing us, others have said dogs live in the moment which is hope is the case as he'll be happy then x
     
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  14. tabelmabel

    tabelmabel PetForums VIP

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    That must help, to have that 'evidence' Yes, dogs definitely do live in the moment. Like small babies. As long as their needs are met, they are perfectly happy.
     
  15. Boxer123

    Boxer123 PetForums VIP

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    Sorry your having a hard time it sounds like you did the right thing. look after yourself like others say he will live in the moment. Seperation anxiety is so hard.
     
  16. Boxerluver30

    Boxerluver30 Hound Lover

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    I'm sorry you had to rehome marley. It sounds like you made the best decision for him and hopefully he will continue to be happy in his new home. I can't imagine how heart wrenching it would be though so I don't blame you for being upset. I hope the new home can continue giving updates for a little while so you can see how he is getting on?
     
  17. David Wilkinson

    David Wilkinson PetForums Newbie

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    I am a new member and a grief counsellor, when we are struggling with grief for a lost pet, this can put us back steps in the grief process we have experienced for a loved human, you can be sure you did the right thing for Marley, but has this put you back in a previous grieving process, you may have reached the acceptance process, and been in a place, where you were ok, but could have been put back to denial anger or despair, it's important to establish wherw you are in the grief process and take it from there, you will work through it and Iam happy to help if I can take care DW
     
  18. Sadinct

    Sadinct PetForums Newbie

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    I am going thru this now. I rescued Sophie 3 years ago. I am home all day now because I have lupus and fibromyalgia. My lease is up on my house and the owner wants to move back her. All the places I could afford won't accept dogs. My Sophie had bad separation anxiety and cannot be left alone. She is the most gentle and living dog.
    Somehow I found a wonderful family. She will never be alone. She will be loved and spoiled.
    The grief is overwhelming . All I do is cry. She left yesterday. My head tells me I did the right thing but my heart is broken.
    I can't stop thinking she'll think we didn't love her or she'll be scared.
    The new family said we could come see her anytime but I don't think I could.
    I have list my best friend, my dad, my brother and my second mom in the last two years. But this, is just awful. I don't think I'll ever be the same.
     
  19. Boxer123

    Boxer123 PetForums VIP

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    Hello I didn't want to read and run sorry you are going through this what breed is she. Sometimes re homing is the only thing you can do can you speak to anyone about how upset you are ? The housing situation in this country makes me cross have you spoken with the council ?
     
  20. Northpup

    Northpup PetForums Senior

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    We got Stanley at 6 months from a situation like yours. We sent videos and pics etc and they wished him happy birthday on his first and second, we’d still be happy to send things however we don’t want to make them sad etc as they stopped asking for them.
    The grief and guilt must go away and get less painful. If it makes you feel better, ask if they can continue to send pics etc I’m sure they will oblige.
    If it’s any condolence Stan was absolutely fine when he arrived. He settled right in, I think others are right when they say dogs live in the moment and don’t wonder why you left etc
    It’s much braver to do what’s right for the dog than what’s right for you. Try and be gentle on yourself. He’s not gone forever or dead, he’s still here enjoying life and being a happy carefree dog.
    I know people who even meet up with the previous owners, you have a lot of possibilities to see him and hear from him etc so whilst it’s really hard in these first few months or however long think about this, it will get easier and you may not need as much reassurance from his new owners etc :) don’t be hard on yourself
     
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