[ClaireLouise]

As someone who wont see my parents achieve such miles stone's due to my mother's terminal illness I would urge you to comprise. Like someone else said, why not just go for two days, use work commitments as an excuse. They will be over the moon you make the effort and in the grand scheme if things 2 days is nothing, bite your tongue and smile it's just 48 hours.

 

[Guest]

Not all parents are created equal.
In a mostly normal parent/child relationship, there will be tough moments to overcome for the sake of the relationship over all.

Some parents though are just toxic, and some too toxic to even expose yourself to at all. There should be absolutely no shame in stepping away and keeping yourself safe and sane in these situations, milestones or not.

Obviously I have no idea what type of parent cinnamontoast is dealing with, but I just don’t want her to feel guilted in to going from the perspective of people who may not understand what it is to have a parent who doesn’t fall within the range of “normal”.

 

[ClaireLouise]

Not all parents are created equal.
In a mostly normal parent/child relationship, there will be tough moments to overcome for the sake of the relationship over all.

Some parents though are just toxic, and some too toxic to even expose yourself to at all. There should be absolutely no shame in stepping away and keeping yourself safe and sane in these situations, milestones or not.

Obviously I have no idea what type of parent cinnamontoast is dealing with, but I just don’t want her to feel guilted in to going from the perspective of people who may not understand what it is to have a parent who doesn’t fall within the range of “normal”.

I too well understand what it is like to have a parent that does not fit in the normal range but I Still stand by what I said. Cinnamontoast obviously cares enough about her mother for it to cause this dilemma therefore imo compromise is the best solution

 

[Blaise in London]

Not all parents are created equal.
In a mostly normal parent/child relationship, there will be tough moments to overcome for the sake of the relationship over all.

Some parents though are just toxic, and some too toxic to even expose yourself to at all. There should be absolutely no shame in stepping away and keeping yourself safe and sane in these situations, milestones or not.

Obviously I have no idea what type of parent cinnamontoast is dealing with, but I just don’t want her to feel guilted in to going from the perspective of people who may not understand what it is to have a parent who doesn’t fall within the range of “normal”.

This ^^ Exactly this ^^

 

[lilythepink]

If we are honest, all parents are/can be difficult to deal with whether they are toxic or not.

My parents are not toxic and I have no issues from growing up( now that I left home anyway.lol)

I could not go on holiday anywhere with my parents. I go to visit them and stay over and keep it to a maximum of 2 nights. If my mum comes here, she always says she will stay for a week but changes her train ticket and leaves after 4 or 5 days.

I went on holiday with a good friend a few years ago. Luxury holiday in Cyprus. I saw this friend at home every day anyway so didn't think it was a big deal.....how wrong can you get? she drove me nuts on the first day and I got a standby ticket home within the first week.

Sympathies for CT, like I said, 2 days would be my limit.

 

[JANICE199]

I personally wouldn't go. From what you have said, you wouldn't enjoy the holiday, so why go all that way to be miserable.
Stay at home with your hubby and spend the time enjoying yourselves.

 

[Guest]

I too well understand what it is like to have a parent that does not fit in the normal range but I Still stand by what I said. Cinnamontoast obviously cares enough about her mother for it to cause this dilemma therefore imo compromise is the best solution

And that is the right choice for you

It may not be the right choice for CT, or other folks reading the thread.
Not wanting to subject yourself to abuse and potential harm doesn’t mean you don’t care enough, it just means you are realistic about what to expect based on past history.

 

[Mulish]

I too well understand what it is like to have a parent that does not fit in the normal range but I Still stand by what I said. Cinnamontoast obviously cares enough about her mother for it to cause this dilemma therefore imo compromise is the best solution

Or our society's obsession with sacred familial bonds mean anyone who doesn't have them, for whatever reason, feels guilty about it and looks around to find anyone else who might understand. *

I am usually all about compromise but it has to be mutual, otherwise it's just one party taking advantage of another. Some people are emotional parasites, some are manipulative control freaks and some are just wired up all wrong and have issues coming out of their ears. All of them have families who have to choose how to cope and I don't think anyone should be made to feel bad for being selfish sometimes.

* Yes, I am projecting again

 

[lilythepink]

Or our society's obsession with sacred familial bonds mean anyone who doesn't have them, for whatever reason, feels guilty about it and looks around to find anyone else who might understand. *

I am usually all about compromise but it has to be mutual, otherwise it's just one party taking advantage of another. Some people are emotional parasites, some are manipulative control freaks and some are just wired up all wrong and have issues coming out of their ears. All of them have families who have to choose how to cope and I don't think anyone should be made to feel bad for being selfish sometimes.

* Yes, I am projecting again

Lol. I have 4daughters. I am hoping to sell the house and downsize this year and first on the list is a 3 week luxury cruise to the Carribbean. 2 daughters expect to be included, 2 daughters would run a mile.lol.all are aged 28+.

I would not go if it included my parents cos it would be so stressful.

I went on holiday with my parents when we only had 3 children...never again. such hard work and no point.I would never have seen a time when I didn't want my own daughters with me......but there comes a time from both directions really.

 

[Guest]

If we are honest, all parents are/can be difficult to deal with whether they are toxic or not.

There is difficult, there is questionable, and then there is toxic.

Difficult:
Parent won’t let the child have a pet for no real reason, just doesn’t want to put forth the effort.
Questionable:
Parent lets the child have a pet, puts unfair/unreasonable expectations on the child, when the child doesn’t meet them, gives the pet away.
Toxic:
Parent lets the child have a pet, then shoots the pet in front of the child to "teach the kid a lesson.”

Difficult:
Parent sends the kid off to a questionable daycare because they can’t be bothered to do a proper search or research the center’s credentials.
Questionable:
Parent sends the kid to drunk aunt’s for babysitting.
Toxic:
Parent sends the kid to known pedophile uncle for babysitting and when the child finally musters up the courage to tell the parent what is going on, the parent blames the child for bringing it on themselves.

I know this is a huge aside to the original topic of conversation, but some of the posts on here - though I’m sure not intentional - veer a little towards the guilt mongering side.
I’m all about those with toxic parents and/or family members not succumbing to the guilt. There are some situations and some people where the only sane choice is to simply walk away and not turn back.

Or our society's obsession with sacred familial bonds mean anyone who doesn't have them, for whatever reason, feels guilty about it and looks around to find anyone else who might understand. *

* Yes, I am projecting again

Projecting or not, glad you said it, and said it as well as you did

 

[lilythepink]

all 4 daughters would say I am difficult....maybe I should ask them why.lol

 

[ClaireLouise]

And that is the right choice for you

It may not be the right choice for CT, or other folks reading the thread.
Not wanting to subject yourself to abuse and potential harm doesn’t mean you don’t care enough, it just means you are realistic about what to expect based on past history.

You are right, It would be the right choice for me, I have not had the easiest relationship with my mother in previous years however I choose to put that behind me to focus on our current relationship. I may not have had the same attitude had she not become terminally ill as i may have stood my ground and held out for some kind of apology that I will never get. What I have to bear in mind now is time is precious and my children need good memories therefore I have to compromise. I can say it has gotten easier and dont really think I have forgotten but have forgiven for my own mental health. I wont be guilty in times to come because I have bit my tongue and at times been the bigger person.

I am not saying this is right for all people as not all situation are the same but the OP did ask for opinions and this is mine.

 

[cinnamontoast]

And that is the right choice for you

It may not be the right choice for CT, or other folks reading the thread.
Not wanting to subject yourself to abuse and potential harm doesn’t mean you don’t care enough, it just means you are realistic about what to expect based on past history.

There would be no abuse or potential harm! There would just be me spending the whole time out and about with the rest of the family and seeing the parents for evening meals, probably. So pretty pointless, very expensive and a resentful CT being p!ssed off that she's there at all.

 

[Spellweaver]

There would be no abuse or potential harm! There would just be me spending the whole time out and about with the rest of the family and seeing the parents for evening meals, probably. So pretty pointless, very expensive and a resentful CT being p!ssed off that she's there at all.

I think you've made it fairly obvious that you don't want to go - so don't go!

As to whether or not you are being unreasonable, surely that's not the point? You will get a different answer from everyone you ask, depending upon their own viewpoint and their own relationship with their parents. What does the opinion of other people matter? Surely all that should matter is your own opinion of whether or not you are being reasonable/unreasonable.

Do you think you would be being uneasonable if you did not go? Only you know the answer to that.

 

[Summersky]

There would be no abuse or potential harm! There would just be me spending the whole time out and about with the rest of the family and seeing the parents for evening meals, probably. So pretty pointless, very expensive and a resentful CT being p!ssed off that she's there at all.

Just go with your heart.

This thread is making me realise how lucky I am with my parents. I love spending time with them - they were down at Christmas, and stayed right through till past New Year.

We had a great time, and if things were different health wise, I would like nothing more than to go away on holiday with them.

 

[cheekyscrip]

It depends really...if I thought my kids would like it ...and OH and I can "sort of " do things we like too...
only you know your family well enough to decide how long you can stand them!!

I love my parents dearly but holidays at their place will not be repeated in a hurry...

Will your presence be appreciated -or just criticized for all you do or do not?

If you think the latter - or just general bickering - I would not bother at all..

 

[swarthy]

Sometimes in life we make sacrifices - a Golden Wedding is a HUGE milestone, not commonly reached these days - by the sounds of it - my parents were as different from yours as can be; but at their Golden Wedding dinner we had all the grand-children / step grand-children there my dad said it would probably be the last time we will be together as a family - he was right .

The Christmas before we lost him - it's complicated - but we didn't spent it together - 5 years on I still can't reconcile with that.

Last year, the rest of the family came together for my mum's 80th - I should have been in hospital for major surgery cancelled at the last minute - so my partner arranged to take me away - I'm still struggling to reconcile with that and my mum is still with us and I hope for many more birthdays to come.

People can and do die at all stages of life - many things over which we have no control (try never to part on an argument)

But there comes a certain point in everyone's life where the risks of something happening increase - your parents may make it to their 60th and beyond - or they may not, they may be physically incapable of their holidays - they might not even know who you are.

=====================

You might hate the idea - I'm not a socialite these days - but sometimes in life there are things that it is vital to do

For memories for an unknown future - for peace of mind in an interim window id god forbid something happens before their Golden Wedding.

Their lives will be richer for knowing you were willing to make that sacrifice - if you don't - unless you are completely able to sweep things under the carpet and not give them a second thought (the very fact you are asking the question suggests you aren't) - then I promise you it will play on your mind for a lot longer than the week or two of the holiday. If your OH doesn't go is that a major problem? (I ask because being disabled, for me, it would be a problem)

I should add I have the whackiest extended family you can ever imagine (ex-wifes, half siblings / step siblings / step grandparents - the net is HUGE) - none of us were socialites - but those rare events where we did get together like key nirthdays were good events and I'm glad I didn't miss them.

It's just my opinion - I'm sure others will disagree. We don't always approve of the way our family behave, and some are quite happy to absolve themselves of all connections.

When we love people - sometimes we make sacrifices as a way of demonstrating that - or live with the conscience and your own unanswered questions if things don't go to plan

 

[Jesthar]

Their lives will be richer for knowing you were willing to make that sacrifice - if you don't - unless you are completely able to sweep things under the carpet and not give them a second thought (the very fact you are asking the question suggests you aren't) - then I promise you it will play on your mind for a lot longer than the week or two of the holiday. If your OH doesn't go is that a major problem? (I ask because being disabled, for me, it would be a problem)

I should add I have the whackiest extended family you can ever imagine (ex-wifes, half siblings / step siblings / step grandparents - the net is HUGE) - none of us were socialites - but those rare events where we did get together like key nirthdays were good events and I'm glad I didn't miss them.

The thing is, it cuts both ways. If everyone is making an effort or sacrifice in the name of a good time, that's one thing. Or, on occasion, if everyone is making a more significant sacrifice for the sake on one person to make a day special, there's nothing wrong with that either.

But there are some people who expect the world to revolve around them all day every day. And if that's a family member, it can be very difficult.

A retired friend of mine had a mother who I wouldn't wish on anyone. She criticised everyone and everything, and big celebrations were just an opportunity to belittle to a wider audience. If she didn't get her own way, she would cause endless scenes and say really nasty things - or even get out of a car and yell them at people from the middle of the road. Basically she routinely manipulated everyone around her, and if you didn't play her game you became a target.

Now in this case CT knows she won't enjoy any aspect of the holiday - and, from the sound of it so does the rest of the family. The holiday is months away the actual anniversary, if I'm reading it correctly, and there will probably be a celebration later in the year. I'm going to speculate that Mum would be annoyed if CT went off and did her own thing, and I'm another who can't stand either sitting around on beaches or hanging around with drunk people. Now, if someone else was paying for it I would probably go and then do my own thing whenever politely possible, but I can't say I'd be tempted out there at my own expense. Or maybe if an itinery could be agreed which didn't consist of constant beach and booze, or people would agree that they wouldn't get drunk constantly - but from what CT says I don't think that's going to be an option either.

So if it were me I'd say thanks for the offer, but I don't want to be the damp squib at the beach party, and would prefer to spend some time doing something special with them in the UK where everyone can enjoy it.

 

[lilythepink]

Take a step further....what is worse than not going? going and trying to play the game and ending up arguing and falling out with everybody?

 

[Gignesthai]

there was a time years ago I would have said go and put up with it! But after the last two years of my life, I now say say politely 'no' and if she asks explain honestly why it wouldn't work. Offer maybe to take them out and have a celebration with just them much nearer to the actual time.