The parents will be celebrating their golden wedding anniversary in two years. Mother dear has already started mentioning this. Tonight, she announced that, as is becoming usual, she will be going with her sister's grown up children and their children, to a Greek island for a fortnight. The daily routine is visit a different beach, go to a restaurant, drink lots. She has previously asked me to come, but knows full well that I hate beach holidays and get seriously itchy feet after two days.

She thinks I should go on this holiday because it's a special occasion. I think it's a totally unreasonable request. I doubt their timing will coincide with my OH's annual leave, nor would he want to go, he can't understand/stand the mad social extended family thing.

AIBU to say absolutely no way will I go?

Put something that special before yourself maybe?

 

The parents will be celebrating their golden wedding anniversary in two years. Mother dear has already started mentioning this. Tonight, she announced that, as is becoming usual, she will be going with her sister's grown up children and their children, to a Greek island for a fortnight. The daily routine is visit a different beach, go to a restaurant, drink lots. She has previously asked me to come, but knows full well that I hate beach holidays and get seriously itchy feet after two days.

She thinks I should go on this holiday because it's a special occasion. I think it's a totally unreasonable request. I doubt their timing will coincide with my OH's annual leave, nor would he want to go, he can't understand/stand the mad social extended family thing.

AIBU to say absolutely no way will I go?

I would go, but that's just me. I am quite close to both my parents (though they are not married any more so this situation is unlikely to come up!).

Can you and your OH not go and make your own little itinerary? Go sightseeing or something? Go and see some Greek ruins? And then just return to base to spend time with the family in the evenings?

 

Is there any reason that you couldn't go but do different things during the day and just meet for evening meals?

I must admit, that I missed a "family" holiday, but it wasn't a special occasion, just had an offer of a cheap villa.

Not sure what else there is to do on a Greek Island

 

Had it been this year then yes I'd say she is being unreasonable but she is giving two years notice. How about not saying no right now, but looking at the costs and leave now and then making a decision based on actual evidence.

Some Greek islands are lovely and even the more commercial ones like Crete and Rhodes have hidden depths.

 

There's no way the OH's annual leave will coincide properly, not even for a week, so I'd have to go alone. The OH wouldn't go anyway, don't blame him. My parents and I are not close. She drinks, lots. I can't be with her when she drinks, I won't tolerate it. We had a period of not talking when she complained about rarely seeing me and pushed me into a corner about why. Two nights is enough with her, frankly.

Their anniversary is some months after the holiday, not during it. If theres a party for it, I'd go, obviously. Asking someone to spend a fortnight doing something they'd hate is, IMO, unreasonable. I wouldn't dream of requesting similar.

 

There's no way the OH's annual leave will coincide properly, not even for a week, so I'd have to go alone. My parents and I are not close. She drinks, lots. I can't be with her when she drinks, I won't tolerate it. We had a period of not talking when she complained about rarely seeing me and pushed me into a corner about why. Two nights is enough with her, frankly.

Their anniversary is some months after the holiday, not during it. If theres a party for it, I'd go, obviously. Asking someone to spend a fortnight doing something they'd hate is, IMO, unreasonable. I wouldn't dream of requesting similar.

Ah that background helps. Can you speak to your dad about it? If you are not going then you are rather fulfilling her complaint that she doesn't see you. Can you arrange something more civilised for the actual anniversary instead? Afternoon tea or something?

 

Then maybe make your excuses and say you can't go, and then do something else special instead to make it clear that you do care?

 

Ignore her for however long you feel the need too, turn up for her funeral, clear conscience...

 

If you don`t want to go don`t go! If you wanted to go but certain things bothered you then fair enough give it some thought, but it sounds from your post you really do not want to go, so don`t.

 

Without knowing any family background, and with the information given, then, sorry to be blunt, but yes, I think you might be being a little unreasonable. You could always go sightseeing or do your own thing with your OH once you're there, but, if it were me, I'd be making the effort because it's not about me, and these days, not many people get to celebrate their Golden wedding anniversary.

Obviously, if there's a history of arguments and drama, then it's a different matter and to keep the peace, it might be tactful to decline, but simply saying you don't want to go for your parents' golden wedding anniversary just because you don't like beach holidays does seem a little bit selfish.

As for your OH's annual leave, he has 2 years to sort something out with his boss.

ETA: I spent so much time trying to put that across in an inoffensive way that the thread has developed since then. I agree with Molly, not going because you don't want to, is adding credence to her theory that you don't want to spend time with her.

 

Ah that background helps. Can you speak to your dad about it? If you are not going then you are rather fulfilling her complaint that she doesn't see you. Can you arrange something more civilised for the actual anniversary instead? Afternoon tea or something?

She lives 5 hours away. If there's a party on the actual weekend, I'll go. The anniversary is October, holiday is months beforehand.

Then maybe make your excuses and say you can't go, and then do something else special instead to make it clear that you do care?

I'm going to sound nasty, but she has pushed us away with her poor behaviour since I was a kid. She likes to do the whole pulling of apron strings/emotional blackmail.

Jonbda, you can of course post on whatever you like, but I think you know you're on my ignore list.

 

Personally I don't think they are being unreasonable in inviting you on a holiday... If it was me I would go (i hate beach holidays too though!), after all it is somewhat of a special occasion and they are your parents after all.....

However if you really don't want to go, then just say no.

 

I think the only one who can say what is reasonable or not is you. Only you know the history between you and your parents, the relationship, and what you can and cannot handle.

I’d say off instinct, that if it FEELS unreasonable to you, it probably is.

Personally I don’t like to make anyone feel put-out or burdened with my requests, so it wouldn’t be much of a holiday for me if my guests were not having a good time too. Their needs should matter also

 

In my opinion, you're justified in your decision. I agree that it's a special occasion and it's understandable why she wants you there, but i don't see why you can't just do something else for their anniversary closer to the day.
I find it ridiculous that someone can't take the fact that that holiday isn't your cup of tea as a good enough reason for you not to go. It'd be another story if they were paying i suppose, or if money was no object, but if i were paying out of pocket for a holiday chosen by someone else i'd only go if it was somewhere i wanted to go.
Family are taxing even if you get along with them, i get on with mine superbly. Would i ever go on a holiday longer than 3 days with any of them!? heck no!

 

If it were me and my OH couldn't go too then I wouldn't go. My family all know holidays are pretty off limits for us as we have no one to look after the dogs and would not kennel them. Therefore for a special occasion we would offer to do something else to mark it, such as offer to pay for them to have a few days in a nice cottage close to us or take them out for a special meal.

 

Jonbda, you can of course post on whatever you like, but I think you know you're on my ignore list.

Still choose to read it though don't you .

Being serious and having lost both my parents in the last six months i will say though, just go, they don't last forever. The last anniversary party my mum and dad had i didn't go after having a stupid tiff with one of my sisters, everyone is there on that photo but me...

 

Do something else nearer the time with them. It sounds like 2 weeks will be too long and likely to end in a family fall out. From the sounds of it you don't want to go and have your reasons. I see my parents every week now as they are getting older. I also go on holidays with them. They are holidays though that we all enjoy.

I wouldn't though be invited to any wedding anniversary as for them it is a special day to do something together. Every family is different and so I'd talk about it with your OH and decide together as you know more than anyone what is right in your situation.

 

Without walking in your shoes, I can't properly comment or tell you what to do - but I'll have a go anyway! I'm lucky enough to have spent many wonderful family holidays with my parents and OH's parents and brothers and families. ........... not all at the same time, I hasten to add. we have all got on just fine, and I know how lucky we are. It's given me a lifetime of photos, videos and memories for when the sad times come.

But we always planned and negotiated together, so it was right for everybody. To be presented with a holiday is something very different though, especially if it were the "wrong" sort of holiday. Wouldn't like that.

Perhaps hope that the holiday is in term time, in which case the decision is made for you?

Two weeks on a holiday that holds no appeal, with someone you don't get on with is big ask, but is there anything bearable that you could arrange to do with them, to celebrate, instead, as it's a big one? (To support your dad?)

 

If the anniversary is not during the actual holiday then why does she expect you to go, I would point blank say no,, but happy to celebrate with you on your anniversary.. Is she asks again you may have to politely say I have made my decision please don't ask again. End of,, do not let her rule you.

 

Perhaps hope that the holiday is in term time, in which case the decision is made for you?

Two out of the three cousins involved are teachers (groan!) and the third (my godson) is on the rigs two weeks on, two weeks off so will be based on when he is off, I guess.

If the anniversary is not during the actual holiday then why does she expect you to go, I would point blank say no,, but happy to celebrate with you on your anniversary.. Is she asks again you may have to politely say I have made my decision please don't ask again. End of,, do not let her rule you.

You've hit the nail on the head. She likes telling people what to do-surprise, surprise, she's a retired teacher! Then she gets ar$ey if things don't go her way and I'll probably have the silent treatment now for a while or the phone call that lasts literally 2 minutes now because I told her no tonight. I think there are rumours of a big party for the actual anniversary.

 

Me personally I would go, but not the whole 2 weeks maybe go for a few days. Just say am not available for the whole two weeks but am free these days. . . . Then just a few days might not be as taxing as a whole two weeks. Then you are still making the effort to go.

Or if you really don't want to go, I would arrange something for just you and your parents like afternoon tea, or spa day instead

 

I was going to suggest the same thing, maybe not go for the entire fortnight, but just a week of it. Once you have travelled there and back, there are only 5 days left. Research the place first, find places to go, things to see and do it on your own.

On the other hand, I spent several holidays where my kids, husband and I went with my parents and sister, to Tunisia, Greece and Turkey. What with my mother refusing to eat anything 'foreign' or cooked in olive oil and my father insisting we didn't eat until about 10.30 pm each night so he could trawl around all the bars first :incazzato: (by which time my kids had gone past it, didn't eat a proper meal and were falling asleep at the table) we decided that our once a year family holiday was too precious and too expensive to waste like that and now go on our own.

 

There's no way the OH's annual leave will coincide properly, not even for a week, so I'd have to go alone. The OH wouldn't go anyway, don't blame him. My parents and I are not close. She drinks, lots. I can't be with her when she drinks, I won't tolerate it. We had a period of not talking when she complained about rarely seeing me and pushed me into a corner about why. Two nights is enough with her, frankly.

Their anniversary is some months after the holiday, not during it. If theres a party for it, I'd go, obviously. Asking someone to spend a fortnight doing something they'd hate is, IMO, unreasonable. I wouldn't dream of requesting similar.

Given the above, then no - you are not being unreasonable IMO.

You are not that close, you don't enjoy their company, it's not even on the actual anniversary date, it's your money, etc. :dita:

Please yourself

And rrr: to them

P.S. There is NO WAY me and OH would be joining my MIL for a fortnight's holiday no matter HOW special the occasion A couple of hours is our limit!

 

If you don't want to go DON'T .. You can celebrate another way with them, and if it's explained reasonably , which I'm sure you will they have no reason to be miffed... Let it go

 

No you are not being unreasonable.
I wouldnt go either. Why pay lots of money to spend 2 weeks sitting on a beach drinking loads when you dont like doing that. Surely a holiday is doing something you enjoy, so guilt tripping you into it is unreasonable imo. You however are not.
My friends know i dont enjoy drinking and loud places so when they arrange a night out clubbing they dont invite me, and thats the way i like it, saves me saying no everytime. They dont think im unreasonable they just know what i like and what i dont.