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Advice needed

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Nicky10, Jun 3, 2010.


  1. Nicky10

    Nicky10 PetForums VIP

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    I'm just back from the hospital because my friend was taken in and she asked them to call me. Basically her OH has really hurt her, she's out of hospital and here asleep just has to take it easy for a few days, yet she's refusing to see it's wrong and won't press charges :(. I get the whole abusers can make their victims feel it's all their fault I understand that really well but any ideas on how to make her see sense? I know it can be hard for people to acknowledge it but I don't want to see her hurt like this again especially given she's 4 months pregnant :mad:. Apparently the police can't do anything unless she presses charges against him
     
  2. classixuk

    classixuk PetForums VIP

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    That's a tough one to call Nicky. I can't say what you should do, or even your friend, but I can say what I'd probably do.

    For tonight, I'd let her rest and I wouldn't talk too much about it (if at all).

    In the morning, I'd make sure I opened all the curtains before she gets up, put a pot of coffee on along with some toast, and make sure that the TV isn't tuned into Jeremy Kyle of all things.

    I'd serve her breakfast, and place 2 paracetemol (if they're OK to take during pregnancy) next to a glass of water.

    I'd enquire how she is painwise and offer sympathy.

    When she's finished her toast, I would clear away the dishes and whilst standing at the sink washing up, I would ask her if she wants to talk about the events of last night or if she'd rather not.

    If she wants to talk, I'd listen.

    If she'd rather not, I'd accept it, but ask if I could offer some advice and promise that once I'd said it I wouldn't mention it again.

    I'd say that her relationship is none of my business, and that it's not my place to cast stones or blame. However, I do strongly believe that my friend would never hit me, nor me hit her...and that level of trust for each other, as well as security in each other's presence, is born out of a mutual love and respect for the other's well being.

    If your friend began hitting you unexpectedly and without warning on random visits or days out together, it would make you very afraid to be around her. Living in fear is not good for your physical or mental health. If the punches don't kill you, the constant fear of being punched eventually will.

    She has just 5 months to get this sorted before a new life that completely depends on her to provide love, nurture and stability is placed into her arms. If the events of last night happen again, that day may not come. Or worse, it may come but she may have seriously damaged her baby mentally or physically through allowing her own body to be physically assaulted and battered.

    She has a choice to make, and if not for her, she should make it for her child who is relying on her to provide the best welcome possible when s/he arrives in November. The baby can't go back inside for another 9 months if she makes a mistake. She'll only get one chance, so she has to make it right.

    I would tell her that I don't know the answers, and that she'll have to make those choices herself, but that I do think that BEFORE she goes home today, she should speak with one of the workers at the local women's aid for some advice on what her options would be if this gets worse or ever does happen again. The workers there will even be able to advise her on whether, in their vast experience, things like this usually sort themselves out or if there are certain signs she should look for that might highlight a future she doesn't want for her baby. It's only a phonecall, and it costs nothing except 5 minutes of her time. I would then ask her, "if I dial the number and get through to someone, would you speak to them for me and get a bit of advice?"

    I'd then leave it at that. Let Women's aid talk your friend through the terrible future she'll obviously have with this person, and let them assure her of her options. They won't let her down. Doing it this way allows you to remain as "good cop" instead of "friend who doesn't really understand the pressure her OH is going through" or some other guilt ridden irrational thought process.

    I know you're in Northern Ireland Nicky. Here's the number for your friend. Write it down for tomorrow. 028 90 666049. They open at 9AM. Ring them in advance and ask if one of the workers would spare 5 minutes to speak with your friend. They're usually really nice about it and will understand.

    Good luck. xx
     
    #2 classixuk, Jun 3, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2010
    westie~ma likes this.
  3. Nicky10

    Nicky10 PetForums VIP

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    I'll give her the number thanks. It's just hard to know what to do other than listen. I don't know if she'll be going home to him I really hope not so I'll ask her to speak to them before she goes home
     
  4. classixuk

    classixuk PetForums VIP

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    That bit I bolded...it's all your friend expects.

    You did really great tonight. You went to the hospital, brought her home, placed her into bed and then released a bit of anxiety yourself.

    Be sure to be up for her in the morning though. Don't stay awake too late worrying about it yourself.

    ;)
     
  5. Nicky10

    Nicky10 PetForums VIP

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    I'm going to bed now just couldn't sleep. I don't think it was that much we've been friends for a long time it's what anyone would do.
     
  6. classixuk

    classixuk PetForums VIP

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    OK then Nicky. Have a nice sleep and best of luck for the morning.

    Let us know any positive news.

    xx
     
  7. KateandCasper

    KateandCasper PetForums Member

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    Some great advice Classix, Nicky I hope your friend makes the right decision but you cant make her - like Classix said just listen and be there for her, if you are too harsh on her you risk putting her off confiding in you.
     
  8. Nicky10

    Nicky10 PetForums VIP

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    She's going to be staying here at least for a few days and he's not going to come here too scared of Buster. So hopefully once she's thought it through she'll realise
     
  9. simplysardonic

    simplysardonic Moderator
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    Hope she sees sense, what a coward to be scared of a dog but happy to beat up a pregnant woman:mad:
     
  10. Nicky10

    Nicky10 PetForums VIP

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    Yeah basically he knows she won't fight back like most bullies really why actually pick on someone who will fight you back. Buster growled at him hackles up and everything when he met him and I didn't bother correcting the assumption that he was aggressive.
     
  11. xxwelshcrazyxx

    xxwelshcrazyxx PetForums VIP

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    My daughter was in the same position with her now EX. He would beat her up and she would make excuses for her. I even took my grandson who was a baby at the time away from the both of them, and told them if HE keeps beating up on her then I will knock him into next year, and HER if she keeps allowing it to happen and she dont do anything about it then I will report to the social services as their is a baby in this household and could end up injured at some point. Well he stopped hitting her around for about 6 months, but then after that he started to do it all over again. It DIDNT make a blind bit of difference what I said to him and to her. She left him and moved in with me about 6 times approx and each time, flowers were sent to the house and he called and woo'd her back, CHARMED her back and she beleived everything he said about not doing it again and he will change. I told her I will be there for her EVERYTIME but one day he is going to take it too far and SHE may not be able to call for help next time. Longer Strory..........BUT unless she is of a mind to leave him then SHE WONT. It took my daughter 4 years to come to realise he wasnt going to change and she coulnt go on. and with my help..........he left. NOW looking back she wonders why she didnt do that in the first place. so called LOVE is blind.
    I hope your freind one day realises it is wrong and it wont stop and leaves him. xxxx
     
  12. simplysardonic

    simplysardonic Moderator
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    Good post, I was in a pretty much the same position as your daughter for 3 1/2 years & yep, love is blind & these men never change, even though they say they will.
     
  13. Nicky10

    Nicky10 PetForums VIP

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    I know that and hopefully she can see it too. She's smart but people can get manipulated so easily
     
  14. MissShelley

    MissShelley PetForums VIP

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    What a fantastic friend you are Nicky, she is lucky to have you.... Reading that and Welshcrazys post brought tears to my eyes :( I hope after a couple of days your friend realises that it's not a normal situation for any woman to be in, and what about the baby? is she hoping he changes after the birth??? I hope not, she'll spend a lifetime hoping... When I worked for Suretart I came across all sorts of domestic situations :( once I had to run a creche in the womens refuge :( these were women who came from all over the country, turned up with nothing bar their kids.... Must be awful having to leave friends and family, and everything you've known just to get away. One lady was there from London, and she wasn't allowed to contact anyone she knew from her old life :(

    Welshcrazy I cannot imagine what it is like seeing your baby girl go through that :( i'm so glad she is safe now, and you can both celebrate how strong and independant you both are x

    Wish your friend all the luck in the world Nicky xx
     
  15. Nicky10

    Nicky10 PetForums VIP

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    It sounds like you've done a great job in the past. I hope she does realise it's wrong but I understand a lot of women don't and it ends horribly. Apparently he loves kids, it was planned, and would never hurt the baby. I tried to point to point out the flawed logic that she ended up in hospital last night even if baby's fine because he attacked her while pregnant. It's not really going through yet
     
  16. catz4m8z

    catz4m8z PetForums VIP

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    Wow, what a horrible situation.:(Hopefully having the baby will make her realiese how damaging her relationship is to her and a child.
    I think all you can do is offer an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on and a safe place should she need it.Just let her know she doesnt have to feel trapped coz you will be there for her.
    (Oh, and if you have a big, scary mate you could send round to put the frighteners on hubby......):cool:
     
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