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A few jokes for today...

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Taz Devil, May 13, 2010.

  1. Taz Devil

    Taz Devil PetForums Member

    Apr 29, 2008
    Likes Received:
    As the title says. Add more if you can think of any.

    I was telling a mate that I'd booked a holiday.
    He said, "Oh yeah, going anywhere nice?".
    I said, "No ... I thought I'd pay five hundred quid to fly to a complete dump and be thoroughly miserable for a week.".
    He said, "Ah, so you're going to France?"


    My friend said he's going to set a new standard in pubs by opening one on the top of a mountain.
    Personally, I think he's raised the bar too high.


    I think my mum is going mad. I have just told her that my girlfriend is pregnant with my daughter.
    She asked me, "Do you have a name yet?"
    I said, "I've always had a name silly, it's Rob".


    I'm glad to see that the voting system works. I voted for no one, and no one won.


    The Boomerang. A frisbee for kids with no mates.
  2. Taz Devil

    Taz Devil PetForums Member

    Apr 29, 2008
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    I'm absolutely knackered from my French self-defence class last night.
    I've never run so far in all my life.
  3. jen24

    jen24 Banned

    Apr 19, 2009
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    Lol, i have some....

    A stamp with a picture of a clitoris on it has been withdrawn from circulation as it proved unpopular with men. Apparently only 5% knew how to lick it properly

    A friend asked me: What does 'I.d.k' mean? I answered: I don't know; she said: Wow, that's weird, no one seems to know it.

    What is bipolar? A sexually confused bear!!

    Grow your own dope , Plant a man!

    A blonde takes her car to a mechanic. he says 'nothing to worry about, just sh*t in the air filter'. She says 'Brilliant, so how many times a day do i do that?'

    wife buys crotchless undies to spice up love life. puts them on shows hubby says "want some of this?" "hell no" says hubby "look what its done 2 your undies
  4. madferrit*

    madferrit* PetForums Senior

    Sep 17, 2009
    Likes Received:
    love these jokes!!:thumbup:
    New fairy liquid ad came out recently. Set on council estate
    Little girl asks her mum why her hands are so soft?
    "Cos im only 14 now shut the f*$k up and eat your pot noodle!":D

    If you think life is hard how about being an egg?
    You only get laid once
    you only get smashed once
    It takes 4 mins to get hard!
    Only 2 mins to get soft!
    After 3 mins in the hot tub you get your head smashed in then a good poking by a load of soldiers!
    But worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mum!
    so cheer up - life aint that bad!

    You're driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

    Get your drunk arse off the merry go round you eijiit!
  5. xxwelshcrazyxx

    xxwelshcrazyxx PetForums VIP

    Jul 3, 2009
    Likes Received:
    This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"
    She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.
    He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"
    She says, "Well, your name never came up."

    One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
    Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
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