Dear Diary

Anele Jessica · #1 (**permalink**) 01-12-2007, 10:45 AM

Dear Diary,

For my 60th birthday this year, my daughter Cheryl (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole
time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!!
It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair 'monster'. Why
the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other nonsense too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out
with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She
sent another skinny gal to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the
rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little
cheerleader! If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the bloomin' barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed
on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the
TV remote and ended up catching 11 straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter
Cheryl (the little snot) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root
canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would
have sprinkled the floor with DIAMONDS!!! dewsperation