General Humor Thread

[Anele Jessica]

I'll start:


A Honeymoon tale......

{Please excuse the rough language in the following story...
I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same.}

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When
they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic"......
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we
returned, Sam started using the most horrible language --
things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful
4-letter words! You've got to take me home! ! PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to
stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what
could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter.
"I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME,
PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell
your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like:
dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

[colliemerles]

hee hee hee,

[Anele Jessica]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing
among three likely candidates. He gave each woman a present
of $5,000 and watched to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon
gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and
dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done
this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a
new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and
some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells
him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves
him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the
remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save
for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman
had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

[Anele Jessica]

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got sufficient energy to pull his hospital gown down
far enough so he could look at what was making him uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive
tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was a single sentence: "Get well soon...
from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

[colliemerles]

hee hee hee, were do you find these from,

[Anele Jessica]

I am receiving from friends and cat chat lists and had to heart to deleite it, so I've been saving it all for a while and now would like to share.
I hope there many others who's got some jokes to post?

Originally Posted by colliemerles

hee hee hee, were do you find these from,

[Anele Jessica]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocketThe wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seatbelt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, ma'am?"(I love this part....)"Only when he's been drinking."

[Anele Jessica]

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,

has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity

read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

[Anele Jessica]

There of cource could be a lots of old jokes, which been going round and round...


A turtle family went on a picnic..

The turtles, being naturally slow
about things, took seven years to prepare for their outings.

Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place.

During the second year of their journey they found it. For about six months they cleaned up the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements.

Then they discovered the had forgotten the salt.

A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home.
Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell.
He agreed to go on one condition that no one would eat until he returned.
The family consented and the little turtle left.

Three years passed-- and the little turtle had not
returned. Five years...six years.. then in the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger.

He announced that he was going to eat and began to unwrap a sandwich. At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, "SEE! I knew you wouldn't wait! That's it! I'm not going
back for the salt!"

[Anele Jessica]

A Vampire Covered In Blood!

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, OK, do you see that tree out there?" he asked, pointing through the mouth of the cave.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"