General Humor Thread

[Anele Jessica]

God appears to a man and says to him - "If you're intending to make it into
> heaven you're going to have to give up drinking, smoking and sex. I'll be
> back in a couple of weeks to see how it's going."
> Sure enough two weeks later God shows up again and asks the man how it's
> going. "Well," says the man "The drink and smokes were easy. But after a
> week and a half without sex, my wife leant over the freezer to get some meat
> out and I just couldn't help myself - I took her there and then". God says
> to the man "Well, they don't like that sort of thing in Heaven you know" and
> the man replied "No, and they didn't like it in Asda either"..

[Anele Jessica]

Grandma Doesn't Know Everything

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been
playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the
house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are
sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's
called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play
with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is
not called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mom
wants to talk to you.

[Anele Jessica]

Grandparents

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He
Asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment,
And then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

*****

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew
thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
heard
the three-year-old say with a tremb ling voice, "Who was THAT?"

*****

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
Childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made
from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We
picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking
this
in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" < /B>

********

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know
how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked,
"No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

*****

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story . "What's it about?"
he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

*****

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was.
She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so
I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely,
"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

*****

Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were
ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her
what
It was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take

the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

*****

Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather
about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the
Sea."
The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused
the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied,
"Grandpa, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"

*****

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy
whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us
with flashlights."

*****

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm
not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says
I'm four to six."

*****

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The
grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple,"
replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'".

*****

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
" Sure," said the young boy confidently."It means carrying a child.”

[plumo72]

lol need a bit of cheering up today having a bad one

[colliemerles]

Originally Posted by plumo72

lol need a bit of cheering up today having a bad one

oh why, is everything going wrong, or are you tired,

[Anele Jessica]

there's no rush.....

Originally Posted by colliemerles

you are doing them faster than i can read them,

[Anele Jessica]

Whats hap?

Originally Posted by plumo72

lol need a bit of cheering up today having a bad one