General Humor Thread

[Anele Jessica]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I
want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would
honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry,
what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman
truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

[Anele Jessica]

Cat Mind Games

1. Stare with the exact same expression whether you're looking at nothing or an axe-murderer.

2. Wait till your human lays out their clothes and decide this would be the perfect place to take a nap.
3. Race through the house, hair on end and stop in an attack pose. Then walk of nonchalantly. Repeat as necessary.
4. Play with invisible objects.
5. Wait till your human is asleep and jump up and start kneading any available body parts.
6. Figure 8 your humans legs while they are walking around the kitchen cooking something you won't get a bite of.
7. Before your human gets out of their bed, make sure your napping in the bathroom doorway.
8. Leave gifts of small animal body parts in your human's shoes. Then wait to be praised. Stalk off if not rewarded for your gift.
9. If you absolutely have to go to the vet, cling to your human's head, howl at the top of your lungs, and spew hairballs on the vet.
10. Wait till your human is eating, then jump on the table and shed.
11. Using the litterbox at your human's mealtimes can be great fun.

[Anele Jessica]

DICTIONARY FOR WORDS IN WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
>
> 40-ish.............................................49
> Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone
> Athletic....................................No tits
> Average looking..................................Ugly
> Beautiful..........................Pathological liar
> Contagious Smile.................Does a lot of pills
> Emotionally Secure.....................On medication
> Feminist........................................Fa t
> Free spirit....................................Junkie
> Friendship first..........................Former slut
> Fun........................................Annoyin g
> New-Age..................Body hair in the wrong places
> Old-fashioned.................................No BJs
> Open-minded................................Desperate
> Outgoing.......... ..............Loud and Embarrassing
> Passionate.............................Sloppy drunk
> Professional...................................Bit ch
> Voluptuous..................................Very Fat
> Large frame...............................Hugely Fat
> Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
>
> WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
> 1. Yes = No
> 2. No = Yes
> 3. Maybe = No
> 4. We need = I want..
> 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
> 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
> 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
> 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
> 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
> 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever
> think about?
>
> MEN'S ENGLISH:
> 1. I am hungry = I am hungry
> 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
> 3. I am tired = I am tired
> 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
> 5. I love you = Let's have sex now
> 6. I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
> 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
> 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
> 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex
> with you
> 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have
> sex with you you
> 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit, I'm homosexual

[Anele Jessica]

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.""Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessantyelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't containhimself any longer and yelled,"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[Anele Jessica]

Love that one!



Driving to the office this morning on the M4, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 mph with herface up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she washalfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!!It scared me(I'm a man ) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand! In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE ROUND TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!F****NG WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!

[Anele Jessica]

For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage…

TWO YEAR DEGREE COURSE

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in:
Becoming a Real Man. That’s right, in just six mini-semesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an MA degree. (Male Arts)

Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS-Learn To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What’s Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120: How NOT to Act like an arse when you’re Wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How To Put the Toilet Seat Down

(Elective)
(See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can be a Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honest, You Don’t Look Like Brad Pitt
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important



Spring Schedule:
MEN 220: Omitting %&*!@ from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket after Farting Is NOT Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important II

Course Electives:
EAT 102: Cooking with Tofu
EAT 103: Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mothers-In-Law
MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say “Yes, Dear”
ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her

Just a thought for all the women out there.
MENtal Illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)
Ever notice how all of women’s problems start with men?

Send this to all women you know (and men with a sense of humour) and brighten up their day!!…. and when we have real trouble, it’s a HISterectomy

[colliemerles]

you are doing them faster than i can read them,

[Anele Jessica]

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things
people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: How old is your son -- the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 199.
Q: And where is milepost 199?
A: Probably between milepost 198 and 200.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo
or a cult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and
blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Anele Jessica]

FROM THE NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the
time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up
during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)



Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami
in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing
her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)



Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they
don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)


A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the
spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry,
but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just
blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)


Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with
her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do
her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always
seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle
of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth
Evening Echo)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made
to their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I
know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction".



"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know
Any further information as soon as I'm given any."
(cont..)

[Anele Jessica]

(cont...)

“Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad
news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East
Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."



"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".



"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street
is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could
tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".



"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity, failing that, give it to me."


During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman...
unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then,
stuffyourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."


“Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags
into the doors."


"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"