General Humor Thread

[colliemerles]

Originally Posted by Elena

A Vampire Covered In Blood!

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, OK, do you see that tree out there?" he asked, pointing through the mouth of the cave.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"

haaa haaaa now that was funny,

[Anele Jessica]

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached The woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know this is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my Husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line”

[Anele Jessica]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs; and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Oklahoma.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through
his usual dumb blonde jokes.

A blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way?

What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ...
and all in the name of humour."

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk sitting on your knee!"

[Anele Jessica]

A quite sophisticated lady was on a plane arriving fromSwitzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating "hair remover" for which I paid an enormous sum of money and have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination.

When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.

Finding this his reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

[Anele Jessica]

Accident Reports

The following are copies of ACTUAL written statements submitted to the police on report forms. (Or at least they claim to be ACTUAL statements. You be the judge.) The drivers were instructed to give a brief statement on the particulars of the accident in their own words.

1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't know.
2. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
3. The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.
4. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
6. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
7. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
8. I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
9. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
10. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.
12. My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.
13. When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
14. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
15. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
16. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had fractured my skull.
18. I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed.

[Anele Jessica]

ARE WE COMMUNICATING???

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!

[Anele Jessica]

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year
old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after
their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for
bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her
bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the
newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed
it-Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a
25-year-old, ready for more "action". Once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:
"You mean I was here already?

[Anele Jessica]

Basic Rules For Cats
Who Have a House To Run


DOORS:

• Do not allow closed doors in any room.
• To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer it with forepaws.
• Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
• After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
• Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

GUESTS:

• Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap.
• For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool clothing. NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.
• For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!" be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.
• Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit there and stare.

PLAY:

• This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games.
• It is important though to maintain one's dignity at all times.
• If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

GAMES YOU CAN PLAY:

• Catch Mouse: The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Maybe YOU can be the first.
• King of the Hill: This game must be played with at least one other cat. Sleeping humans are the hill which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must consider the unstable playing field.

WARNING: Playing the above mentioned games excess will result in expulsion from the bed. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

• Tag: This game requires two or more cats and may include a dog. One cat is It. The other(s) chase him around the house until they catch up. Then follows the Scrimmage, after which the cat who caught the other becomes It and is chased around. Great fun but has the greatest potential for loss of dignity from maneuvers such as the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid and the Throw Rug Wipeout. Whenever such a situation occurs, all felines must immediately wash themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically becomes It and should be subjected to the Pileup.
• Tube Mouse: This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the Big White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning.

TOYS:

• Any small item: If a human tries to confiscate it, this means it is a Valuable Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look outraged when the human takes it away. Watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. Below are listed several types of cat toys.
• Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so the other cat(s) and humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
• Dangling and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at, all costs. Note that playing with shoelaces when the human is trying to tie them is a great source of Hampering.

Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see, but you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any cat you find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.
FOOD:
Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed "NOW" and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.

• When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
• The best times to inform humans of your dish's emptiness are when they are unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet.
• Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent - your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.

SCRATCHING POSTS:

• It is advised that cats use anything which is most useful to you.
• They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it.
• Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!

WATER:

• Dripping taps are the best sources of fresh water.
• Toilets are the next best.
• It is imperative that any sound of running water be investigated immediately for a possible drink.
• A plaintive meow and licking the faucet usually will get most humans to turn on the tap.

VACUUM CLEANER:

• This appalling Beast is known by many names, "Cat Eater" being the most prevalent.
• Humans will turn into raging monsters while under its influence, sucking up all the carefully shed cat hair and terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee.
• All you can do is run and hide.
• Occasionally, the humans are forced to open the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen bag from within. This is its stomach, and must be destroyed at all costs.
• Do not worry if the human yells at you, for the yell is really that of the Beast in pain.

(to be continued)

[Anele Jessica]

(continue)



VACUUM CLEANER:

• This appalling Beast is known by many names, "Cat Eater" being the most prevalent.
• Humans will turn into raging monsters while under its influence, sucking up all the carefully shed cat hair and terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee.
• All you can do is run and hide.
• Occasionally, the humans are forced to open the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen bag from within. This is its stomach, and must be destroyed at all costs.
• Do not worry if the human yells at you, for the yell is really that of the Beast in pain.

SLEEPING HUMANS:
It is known that sleeping humans are boring. The "direct approach" is nearly always successful in rejuvenating a dormant human. Do one of the following:

• Trample, purr, meow or head-butt.
• If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic tactics, such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds, or singing at the top of your voice.
• Eventually the human will get up and do what you want, usually in a disgruntle manner.

MORNINGS:

• In order to provide for you, the humans must leave the domain every morning (usually before you take your first cat nap).
• To help them on their way, howl loudly, massage their scalps with your claws, or gently bounce on top of them in bed. See GAMES.
• The best time to do this is about 24 minutes before their alarm clock goes off. We must protect them from that blaring noise for it could ruin their hearing.

MEDICINE:
The vet is where your human takes you when you are sick. The place smells funny; there are cats, dogs and awful things like needles and pills. Don't let humans cat-handle you. The following are some tips for dealing with vets and medicine.

• When you see the carrier come out, run and hide.
• Once the human grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so it is difficult to cram you into the carrier.
• If the human is trying to put you in with another pet, allow the other pet to bolt out the door.
• In the car, meow plaintively all the way to the vet's.
• Reach through the bars of the carrier and claw the human as s/he drives.
• At the vet's, once again splay your legs and brace yourself against the carrier's walls so they can't dump you out easily.
• At home, resist attempts to feed you pills or liquid medicine. As soon as you hear the pill bottle rattle, hide.
• Resist attempts to open your mouth.
• Squirming is good.
• Shake your head vigorously to remove any medicine placed in your mouth.
• Refuse any food that smells like it may have had medicine sprinkled in it.

ILLNESS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is longer then a human's bare foot.

CONCLUSION:
Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth running household.

[Anele Jessica]

Blonde paint jobA blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as ahandyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to thefront door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for herto do."Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her thatthe paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man'swife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband,"Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money."You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I hadpaint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in hispocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porche,it's a Ferrari."