PET RULES

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - their nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not stake a claim for it, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this.. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the e bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'furniture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, they are adopted children who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
01. Eat less
02. Don't ask for money all the time
03. Are easier to train
04. Normally come when called
05. Never ask to drive the car
06. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
07. Don't smoke or drink
08. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
09. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Great

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Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or hump it. Piss on it and walk away

That's really good

Sue

sooo true

I love it LOL

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hehe that made me smile...

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Cavalier king charles are adorable.......

karen xxx
Pets name: horny!
Adopt your own!

has anyone got any to add ??????

so good

im going to see if jazz still got his day thingy on pc

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www.carolscaninecare.co.uk

That makes me laugh everytime I read it lol

Here's another!

So You Think You Want To Own An SBT!

If by some quirk of fate the men in white coats do not get you first and you decide to get a Stafford here are a few ideas as to what to expect:-

• To prepare for the Stafford, go to the local Veterinary Surgeon. Tip the contents of your purse/ wallet onto his counter and tell him to help himself. Then go to the pet shop. Arrange to have your wages paid directly to their accountant. Go home and read the paper in peace for the last time.

• Before you finally get a Stafford, find a couple who already have one and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their dog to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their dog’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it – it’ll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

• To discover how the night feels, go to bed at 10pm. Set the alarm for midnight, wake up and throw yourself violently onto the floor. Place a 56lb bag of potatoes on the duvet and attempt to get back under the covers. Reset the alarm for 5.30am and, just as you are waking up, slap yourself in the face with a large wet sponge. Get up, make breakfast, keep this up for 14 years, try to look cheerful.

• Can you stand the mess that dogs make? To find out first throw 2 gallons of mud onto a newly mopped kitchen floor, smear the excess up the sides of the cooker and kitchen units. Tread a little into the hall and living room carpets. Stick your fingers in the flower-beds and rub them on the clean walls. Now, how does that look?

• Walk down the road with one arm fully extended, break into a jog extending the arm even further. Say ‘heel’ nicely, several times. Shout ‘heel’ several more. Scream ‘stop pulling damn you’. Ignore looks from passers-by.

• Forget the BMW and buy a Ford Sierra. Buy a rawhide chew, a packet of dog biscuits and a large bone. Mash them down the back of the rear seats. Go to the hairdressers and obtain a week’s floor sweepings. Distribute liberally on the seats and carpets. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect!

• Get ready to go out, try to sneak out of the door without making a sound. Go halfway down the garden path, come back. Five minutes later try again. Come back. Put on the stereo and make soothing noises. Try again. Come back. Ring friends and tell them to come round to see you instead.

• Practice sitting on not more that 1/8th of the sofa and try different methods of balancing a hot cup on your knees. When, if ever, you perfect this, try eating a packet of crisps/ biscuits silently whilst keeping the packet totally out of sight. Give up and sprinkles crumbly residue down back of sofa.

• Tie 2 dinner forks together and put a dog lead on a door hook. Rehearse picking up the dog lead silently. When it rattles scratch yourself very hard down the shins with the forks. Repeat procedure several times. Go to the sports shop and obtain a pair of goalkeeper’s shin pads.

•Now for a final tip start practicing even trying to see your computer screen while balancing 40 odd lb's of Stafford on you lap. IMPOSSIBLE.....Nah you just need to start practising when they are tiny Now using the keyboard is an artform.

• Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Always repeat everything you say…Always repeat everything you say.....Always.....Get the picture

The joys of Stafford owning obviously outweigh the cons, that would have to otherwise more of us would end up in the corner rocking.

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Rooney Rumpus DNA Tested L2/HC Clear

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