Shorty.
My Shorty Short Shorts, please for the love of God STOP licking the baby! This is not our method of cleaning him and you know it, you watch me put him in the bath, remember??

Bringing your toys to the baby is pointless. He does not even know his hands are attatched to his wee body yet, how are you expecting him to throw a ball?

Yes I know I told you to clean up after yourself but when you are in heat do not lick up the blood on the floor and try and kiss me, its manky!

When I say "bedtime" it does not mean you have to join us in the bedroom, I trip over you every night trying to get to the Moses basket

What would you/do you say to your dog they cant understand?

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probably quite a bit

Maya for gods sake stop eating the flowers, it's not as funny as you think taking you out on walks with you covered in yellow patches.

Just because we use the bathroom for the toilet dosen't mean you can when you can't be bothered to hold it sometimes till I get up.

Please leave the damn cat alone, he's much older than you and has lived here longer so he has free rein of the house. Stop telling him where and when he can't go places!

Must you really walk THAT slow, you are 5 years old not 15! there are dogs down the park far older than you and they walk faster. This is why you end up on lead so stop sulking about it and either speed up or deal with it.

Having a bath won't kill you so please for love of all things good will you stop screaming at the top of your lungs about, my neighbors across the street can hear you!

I know you love people but please stop wooing at drunks in the park or random strangers, you scare them and I'm tired of having to explain to very person that you are only saying Hello.

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R.I.P Barney, I had 4 wonderful years with you, Thank you-29/04/06-25/11/09
The dog who saved my life
Proud owner of Maya, the Rescued Alaskan Malamute

http://www.dog-breeds-plus.com
Mine and My husband's Dog breed website

Easy-asking you to go outside for a wee does not also mean please jump over the newly installed 4 foot fence into the garden and then the next door neighbour's garden.

Saying 'Come' does not mean sod off for the next 40 minutes thereby giving me a heart attack!

Pleae note, big dog is not your mother and that is not a nipple! Nor will he regurgitate food for you no matter how much you lick inside his mouth!

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Transplanted Geordie
RIP Jake, my best dog. 10.8.10
RIP Boomerang, beautiful horse. 27.5.08

Otto, standing in the wheelbarrow digging out the soil I'm trying to fill a hole with is not as helpful as you think!

Alfie, the chicken defrosting on the side is not a meaty popsicle for you, stop trying to get to it.

Otto, burping directly into my face after eating sardines is not an acceptable way of saying thank you.

Alfie, I love that you want to be around me but constantly standing/lying directly behind me when I'm trying to do things is just going to make me fall over you again.

Both dogs, you do NOT need to be on a lap to sleep properly. You have several beds and a sofa that you have taken over, use them!

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Lol all so great!

Dave- every single flat coat retreiver is not Tess! Please learn that Tess generally has a labrador beside her!

You do not have to say hello to every single person that passes us, they are not coming to talk to you but only passing by! They don't want a large dog jumping over them!

When I stop to use a bank machine on our walk, or stop to talk to someone, you are NOT going to die so please stop crying like you are dieing a horrible death! This will not make the walk shorter stop being so impatient!!


Dixie- that JRT at agility is not, has never been and never will be Smudge, Lottie is a GIRL for gods sake. You do not need to test this theory out every single week when she arrives!

Crying in that horrid high pitched noise is not going to get us to agility any quicker. Especially not when you do it as we are pulling onto the drive where we have to drive slowly! Dylan is not suddenly going to dissapear!

Squeaking at Dylan's mum will not make her go and get him out of the car until we have finished setting up!

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Mabel...right now you're not going to succeed in pulling the table cloth off by tugging at the corners as there is stuff keeping it on there but one day you're going to be strong enough to give it a good pull and then you're going to get a vase full of flowers all over you!

Sitting crying and whining it 12.00 and 8.00 does not actually mean that you are going to get your treats any quicker nether does the puppy dog eyes when we look at you.

Every lab you met is not friendly and does not require you to test this out by jumping on them. Also no cats we met on our walks actually want to play with you and no attempt to get them to come and see you is going to work.

Everyone we met on a walk is not there to see you and you do not need to stop walking to get a pet and then jump up at them if you know them.

There are probably lots more but that is all I can think of just now and my lunch 1/2 hour is nearly up so better get back to work

Another few:

Otto, just because you like it when I clean your ears out, it doesn't mean I like it when you try to clean mine out!

Alfie, pushing between me and the counter when I'm getting your food ready will not speed the process up.

Boys, not every parcel that comes to the house contains something for you (just most of them!).

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These are brilliant!

Lola, slippers are not a chew toy, they are to keep my feet warm. It's not cool when you run off with them down the garden!

Crying when I'm making your dinner is not going to make it come any quicker!

Crying at me when I'm trying to strip the wallpaper doesn't mean I'm going to let you come in and eat it all!

You do not need to hog the bed... you have your side and I have mine!


Keep them coming guys!

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Lola you cant read so please stop trying to eat the books

Not everytime we go in the kitchen is for you so pls stop running like a loon when you hear the kitchen door open even when we think your asleep

Wallpaper is to cover the walls not for you to eat and stop with the eating of the cat litter its disgusting!

When we have cuddles its not an excuse to try and eat my hair and pull my hairband out

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