I've just (3 weeks ago) got am 8 month old BSH neutered male cat. I visited him for several weeks before he came to me because I was moving and didn't want him to have the upset of a new home twice. At the visits he played happily with me and seemed very confident but he is a changed cat now. I should add that he had lived all his life before in the home where he was born, with his litter mates, his mother and several other cats.

Since he came he has become very scared and stressed. I have only managed to engage him in play a very few times and have stroked him twice! He spends most of each day under the TV stand where I can't see him, let alone get to him! Luckily he seems to be eating and using his litter tray, both probably at night when I'm in bed. I even had his brother over for 10 days to see if that would help - it didn't seem to at the time, but I can't deny he's regressed since his brother left. The breeder has offered the brother to me at a knock down price, but to be honest I don't want two cats.

How long could it be before he settles? Am I being too impatient? Should I leave him to his own devices or try to encourage him to come out and make friends? As you can imagine I have spent a fair bit already on him and things for him in anticipation and it is breaking my heart that I can't seem to make a relationship or show him how loved he is. In desperation I have just ordered a Feliway diffuser but if that doesn't work I think either I will have to take the brother too or just return him to the breeder.

Hi,

Dont give up on the little mite just yet... Time is a great healer with these things.

The feliway should really help. It works wonders to calm Spartacus down (she's an anxious cat so it helps with visitors etc).

We had a similar situation with Hercules. He settled in quickly (about 20 minutes!!!) but within a few days developed cat flu. With the vet visit, antibiotic drops, ear drops and eye ointment and the fact he was quarantined away from Spartacus he became quite scared of us! I found that putting our dirty washing in his room, putting the radio on (talk radio turned low) and bribery worked wonders. So, to get a treat, he'd have to come to you, to be fed; he has to be in the same room so, you close yourself in his room and be there when you feed him.. I'd put the dish down, and hang around talking to him. That way he gets the idea that your ace!

Just keep interacting with him. He'll come round. Also, two are brill. We started off with one and ended up getting another six months later!

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My babies are my furries. This does NOT make me a crazy cat lady. Honest

flippin heck return to the breeder?? calm down!!! NO one would have a kitten / cat /puppy / dog if they only gave it 3weeks and gave up!!!!

ive found that the british kittens take the longest to settle, cats dont like change at the best of time, his older, his left his home of 5 months and is now in strange ladies house!

it could take anything up to 6months for him just to 'settle' so 3weeks is a toe dip in a lake!!

just be calm, food call it 'din dins' associate treats (god british love treats!) with words 'treats!' and playtime, sit on the floor dont go up to him let him come to you etc, soon you wont even remember this and itll be fine!

edit: i wouldnt keep bringing his bro over i think that might take even longer, he comes out of shell and brother leaves...he goes back in shell etc

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Thanks to you both for your wise advice. OK, three weeks isn't long but to a novice cat owner who had been looking forward to this for 6 weeks it seems like a lifetime! So please don't tell me off because I've read posts on here where cats are immediately friendly and going on laps and accepting of petting. My daughter got a 3 month old Ragdoll kitten 7 weeks ago and she's already ruling the house!

Regarding his brother - I didn't really think it would be helpful but the breeder seemed to think it would so I went along with it. To be honest all that seemed to happen was that they both hid from me, but didn't appear to interact. They spent their first 3 days on top of the kitchen cupboards until I blocked their path to that.

I'll let you know how the Feliway works.

lol not telling you off!

if you think that you brough him into your home and then brough his brother in...whose been brought up in the same way both will hide!

it also depends on the breeders & breed of cat, some are more outgoing than others, when my bengals arrived they come out of the carrier and played then sat on my lap!!

raggies took longer & the british took ages, it was about 3 months before I could even stroke her without her running off!!

so just take your time, newbie owners often visit kittens with me and start to say 'they wont come up to me! they hate me!' but their kittens there not used to you they need to settle!

so just take it slowly, the feliway might help as his older but still work with him!

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Keep talking to him in a silly sing song way, he'll get the idea eventually. Mum has a BSH and she's not the most affectionate usually but every now an then she turns into a big pile of softy cat!

Give it time and let us know how you get on with him.

EDIT: I wish mine would hide every now and again! Hercules has been followin me ALL DAY and Spartacus is followin Hercules. I look like a crazy cat lady with a trail of cats!!!

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My babies are my furries. This does NOT make me a crazy cat lady. Honest

Oh I know what you're going through...if you look at some of my threads you'll get some excellent pointers from people I pestered on here!

My girl took 4 weeks to come anywhere near me, and probably was 6 weeks in total before she'd happily sit on my lap. I've had her 14 weeks now and I couldn't ask for a more affectionate cat. I can do almost anything to her (open mouth, splay her claws etc) with just a happy purr.

This website helped me a lot: THE MESSYBEAST

I also highly recommend (as suggested on here): Feliway diffuser (takes a few days to work), lots of yawning (really rate this), lots of talking to kitty, interactive play (try a Cat Dancer) to get him to play with you and also reaaaaaallllly slow blinking. It all sounds a bit bizarre but I found it really worked!

Good luck, you'll get there!

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I'm feeling a bit calmer about it all today, though there's been no noticeable change in Reuben's behaviour. The Feliway arrived and has been plugged in, so here's hoping it does help him. Any idea of how big an area it covers, not that it really matters as I've managed to put it quite near to his favourite hiding place.

I have always kept chatting to him - sometimes feeling a right idiot as I "chat to the room" because to anybody watching me that's how it looks! I also say "hello" and "goodbye" and "good morning" and "goodnight" to him. Sometimes I just sit the near the TV and talk to the bit of his bottom I can see poking out! When he does appear (rarely) I do the slow blinking and yawning stuff and he is usually ok until I make even the slightest and slowest of movements. Yes, he likes his treats, especially tiny pieces of cheese.

"If you think that you brought him into your home and then brought his brother in...whose been brought up in the same way both will hide!" How true, and possibly even genetic as since I got him I have found that his mother climbs to the highest place she can and stays there if visitors come round, though to be honest Reuben was not at all like that when I visited.

Hercules and Spartacus - wonderful names! Are they pedigree and if so which breed? My daughter's Raggie kitten follows her all the time and I think I might find that a bit too much, so after initially thinking I would have a Raggie I changed to a BSH because I heard they were more independant but still very calm and affectionate. The other thing is that her Raggie is very vocal whereas Reuben hardly ever meows (though I expect that might change). At least it's a relief he no longer howls in the night like he did the first couple of nights he was here - that was heartrending.

Thanks for the "Messybeast" website reminder. I had found it when I was doing my initial research about having a cat but had forgotten it and it is very good, so I am going to start reading it more thoroughly now I actually have my cat.

I'll keep you updated of any progress. When there is some I don't suppose I'll know if it's because he's just settling better with the passage of time or because of the Feliway, but I don't suppose it really matters, so long as things improve.

Glad you're feeling better about it, I remember thinking I'd never be able to get anywhere near my girl! She's still a bit skitty if I make a sudden movement near her, but that's improving every day.

Another few things I've remembered that might help: Felifriend spray - you spray it on your hands, it's a synthetic hormone like the Feliway diffuser and they seem to like it

Another thing that helped when we were getting to know each other, was holding out a clenched fist towards her (have it propped up so you don't have to move) - she would bump her cheek against it and it was our first real contact, rather than the traditional stroke. A few rubs of that always settles her...though now she prefers rubbing her cheek to my nose! I use that to introduce her to strange people too, if they hold a fist out, she knows what to do! Good luck (again) - it's so worth it, and it will click at somepoint!

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british are more, hmmm, its hard to think of a word, they like everything on their terms and all 4 paws on the floor, no fuss esp if they havent come to you for it!

raggies are a bir more laidback will let you pick them up (even if they give you the evil eye!) and will happily trot along so see where your going.

although my british girl follows me everywhere aswell!

it can be extremly stressful getting a new cat, and dis-heartened when they dont jumop into your lap and purr away, But you have to put yourself in their paws.... and see things from their point of view, just take it slow!

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