In the 4 weeks we have owned our pup, it never ceases to amaze me just how many people love to 'share' their opinion (whether solicited or not) on how we should be rearing, training and commanding our pup!

Their tips and advice can vary so much, from one extreme to the other, that I have decided (perhaps wisely, perhaps foolishly), I should consider the results they have achieved with their human babies before following their doggy advice.

So, in honour of the well meaning folk who feel the desire to inspire (or inflict) their advice onto me every other day, I thought I'd be inspired to write up their methods and supplement my puppy with their toddler to highlight just how shocking some of their "puppy training tips" actually are!

Hope all the mums and dads enjoy...


Life with your toddler

Before we begin this short guide to parenting, we should begin by stating that cots are cruel.

Many modern mums use cots for their toddlers nowadays, but this is just plain wrong. Humans were not born to live in cots. Would you like to live in a cot? Exactly.

Your toddler should not ever be put in a cot as it will make him anxious. It's quite obviously cruel. If you do not believe us, just try putting your toddler in a cot and hear him cry. When toddlers are placed in cots, they will think they are being punished.

Our advice is that you buy a king size double bed and place toddler in that to get him used to it for when he is older, or consider letting your toddler sleep with you every night. Putting him in a cot will damage your relationship forever when your toddler finally becomes an adult.

So let's move on...

Potty Training
Up until now, your baby has been using a nappy that mum was responsible for changing. But now he is getting older, he must learn where the family want him to do his poos, otherwise he will use a nappy when he is 40.

The best thing to do is make sure your toddler always has to use his potty in the same place.

When he forgets, and accidentally soils his nappy, you must immediately take his soiled nappy and rub it all over his face...concentrate on smothering his nose and mouth where possible.

Keep shouting "bad kid, bad kid" and then shove him in the room with his potty and slam the door.

If he cries in that room; ignore him. He has to learn!

Feeding
There are many different foods available in your local supermarket, and the choice can be overwhelming!

However, we have generally found that most stores nowadays cater for the nutritional needs of toddlers of all ages, and those foods can be found at or near the freezer section in an aisle marked "£1 or less".

Popular foods for your toddler are frying chips, pizzas, ice lollies and sweets.

Of the mothers in your child's nursery class, a select few might discuss with you the virtues of fresh fruit, vegetables and fresh meat in your toddler's diet and claim it leads to better health, concentration and development in your toddler.

Whilst the above certainly will not hurt your child, we are not absolutely convinced that you should consider sacrificing your weekend bottle of vodka and your lambert and butler cigarettes to be able to afford it. After all, if frying chips and pizza were not equally as good for your toddler as these more expensive and supposedly better foods, then it is hardly likely that the food companies would be allowed to produce them; never mind advertise them on national television!

Our kids have done just fine on ice lollies and chips all their life, so we think we know what we're talking about.

Play and learning
The best (and in our opinion, the only) form of play you should engage in with your toddler is rough, rough, rough!

Games that our toddlers loved to play were things like "watch mummy look angry whilst she moderately slaps you about the mouth and tells you off if you bite her" and "watch mummy laugh in your face after she gives you the remote control for the TV and then grabs it off you as soon as you go to grab it".

Another fun past time would be to give your toddler an old pair of your high heel shoes and let her try them on, draw on them with her crayons and put them in her toy box. Let her see what fun wearing mummy's shoes can be. However, if you ever catch her having fun with your other high heel shoes, punch her in the nose and tell her "leave my shoes alone you disgusting naughty girl".

Maybe even throw her in the room with her potty to show you mean business. Kids have to learn!

Socialising
Your toddler's socialisation is very important. He needs to meet other toddlers so he can learn to interact and play.

However, there are 2 problems with this process:
1) Other, older and bigger toddlers, might bully your toddler or call him names. They might even make him catch a cold. To avoid this, simply pick up and carry your toddler every time you so much as see another toddler or child in the area.
2) Even worse than the above, is if your toddler is the one who bullies others. In this instance, you obviously have a bad toddler and there is not much you can do about it. He simply does not like other toddlers, and in all probability, might even drift off to sleep dreaming of how he can punch little Jamie from 2 doors away once he arrives at nursery in the morning.

There are other ways around both of the above, but we have generally found that the easiest solution is to keep your toddlers in the house at all times, because taking your toddler to nursery and dealing with these problems will just be too much hassle. It saves you the walk to the school gates anyway, so will suit you both in the long run.

When you do have visitors, simply lock your toddler in the room where his potty is and do not allow him to mingle with your guests. Seeing as he is so bad with other toddlers that you have to keep him indoors, you should keep him away from grown-ups too. We cannot see any harm or long-term ill effects of using this technique.

Health Problems
Your toddler is going to eventually get sick.

Rather than take him to your own doctor or hospital and waste your time simply holding his hand and letting him know you are there, or being available to answer all questions that the doctors or nurses might have about small changes in his behavior in order to reach the correct diagnosis, consider trying this...

Find a friend's cousin who is in receipt of unemployment benefits, or someone else who receives states benefits, and ask them to take your toddler to the "PDST" - a charity hospital for toddlers born to poor people and where all treatments are FREE!! And let's face it, who doesn't like getting free prescriptions for their toddlers?

Before your friend's cousin goes along and pretneds to be your toddler's dad, teach him your toddler's name and try to explain the illness as best you can. He can probably just blag the rest.

Small details (like changes in behaviour) probably aren't important. The doctors at the PDST are not real people like you an I; they are psychic and do not need such trivial information like "have you noticed any lethargy lately?" or "has your toddler ever suffered an allergic reaction?" before they inject him with any fluids.

In any instance, your toddler will feel just as comfortable and behave no differently for the doctor with your friend's cousin holding his hand as he would you, so in our opinion, saving the money on your toddler's prescriptions (= more money for vodka at the weekend) should be the only consideration when your toddler is unwell.

Finally...
We hope that this guide comes in useful to you and your child.
Remember though, spread the word about good parenting to every other mum you see. If they object, or offer alternative methods to any of the above, quickly correct them and warn them that their toddler will never learn if they alter the techniques you are using from this guide. The best time to do this in our opinion, is as you watch their toddler happlily playing with others at the nursery gates, whilst yours is at home alone trying on your brand new high heels and eating her pizza.