thankyou for your comments. we have considered a grooming mit before but she will only tolerate stroking for about a minute before she tries to take off your hand! and stitch pickers are fantastic for longer haired cats as your pulling away and there is less chance of hurting them.
i've never heard of anxiety drops, i will have a look for these and also a zoom groom.
she does love to be stroked, but only on her terms. she's generally quite laid back as long as she's allowed a lot of independence and space, she's less of a pet and more of a lodger. it took a along time to build her trust, i don't want to ruin it with a bad grooming experience.
thankyou all for your tips!