(cont...)

“Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad
news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East
Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."



"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".



"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street
is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could
tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".



"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity, failing that, give it to me."


During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman...
unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then,
stuffyourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."


“Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags
into the doors."


"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"