FROM THE NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the
time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up
during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)



Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami
in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing
her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)



Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they
don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)


A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the
spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry,
but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just
blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)


Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with
her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do
her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always
seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle
of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth
Evening Echo)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made
to their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I
know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction".



"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know
Any further information as soon as I'm given any."
(cont..)