I understand completly,I lost two young cats and two 6week old kittens.the vets called it failer to thrive,I don't care what they call it. It still breaks my heart every time I walk past our little cemitary,My heart goes out to you,You will never replace this one.please don't be affrade to adopt another. You obviously love your cat,don't let your love stop here,get yourself another one or two,there are so many that need your love.(I have 40 kitties)